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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Whatdoido1987 · 24/02/2024 11:50

Is BM perhaps picking at small things because she's lost control over her own child? I think this is a lot of upset over a 4 year old wearing an extra layer. It's obviously an upsetting situation and it was be hard having somebody else calling the shots but hopefully when she's well DC will be back home ASAP x

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:49

rainbowstardrops · 24/02/2024 09:33

I'd be wondering if it's something to do with his nappy but if that is the case, I'm not sure why FC can't just explain that. To be honest, if his mum has asked her not to then she should respect that.
Also, you said that nursery take the tights off and then put them back on him for pick up time but that doesn't make sense either! Why wouldn't nursery tell FC that they'd taken them off because he gets too hot and uncomfortable and he doesn't need them?And do this every time!

I don't know exactly what nursery do or that they've not told her that. After all she has ignored mum and the SW so not sure she'd listen to nursery.

OP posts:
Goalandgate · 24/02/2024 11:48

Hello, Sorry to hear your friend is unwell & her son has had to go into Foster Care, this must be such an awful time for her. I think the key here is to find out why she is putting tights on him. If it is to hold his nappy secure she could instead put some cycle shorts under his jogging bottoms, if its because she thinks he is cold she could put the tights in his nursery bag incase he needs them & the staff could put them on. It sounds like everyone has his best interests at heart & just need to work together. I'm not a Foster carer however I have looked after unwell children in hospital where the parents were unable to visit for any reason, and I always checked with the parents what they would like the babies to wear that day etc. I think it's nice to give a bit of control and decision making to the parents & let them be involved.

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:47

wizzywig · 24/02/2024 11:28

Is there a reason why you can't look after him op?

Read the OPs posts and you will find out. She shouldn't have to keep explaining herself. Mumsnet gives you the function to read the OP posts so use it if you are that interested.

Spinet · 24/02/2024 11:45

Are you/she worried that this is indicative of a lack of care and respect generally? I would understand if you thought that. If it is literally just the tights you need to let it go - there are a lot of other things at play and while the FC should be prioritising the relationship between you all for the sake of the child you all should be too. I'm not suggesting anything about this is easy but a disagreement about tights is not worth dissolving the relationship over.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:45

minipie · 24/02/2024 09:27

I do wonder if it’s something to do with containing or hiding the nappy. 4 year olds are way more likely to say something about another 4 year old wearing a nappy than wearing tights.

I think all you can do is reiterate that he is too hot in the tights, you can tell this by xyz (blotchy face etc). Mum could maybe provide cycling shorts to go over the nappy if that is the issue? Weather is getting warmer so hopefully this will be a temporary issue anyway as nobody is going to put kids in a double bottom layer once it’s March.

I would drop the “girl’s clothes” point personally as that is a matter of opinion.

It's never been a problem up til now. He wears a vest. I'm sure there are other DC there still in pull ups. I don't think he needs to wear cycling shorts. Let's hope this doesn't continue into March, although the weather won't massively warm up in a week.

I agree about just focussing on the temperature as I think I didn't realise the other point would be so misunderstood but it was useful to learn that!

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:44

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 24/02/2024 11:14

It's a complete non issue for me. Why is it upsetting?

Maybe read the OPs posts and you will find out.

MikeRafone · 24/02/2024 11:42

Ruffpuff · 23/02/2024 23:03

Probably the idea is to keep him warm in winter. How do they know he’s getting hot?

This ^

and it keeps him from losing socks in the buggy and feet getting cold. Culturally why are tights a female item of clothing? Many men wore tights through history, baby boys wore pink until 1940s as it was there colour, many boys wore dresses as babies

tights in winter are very sensible and a practical item of clothing for a toddler boy or girl

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:40

Blueey · 24/02/2024 09:26

The foster carer will have their own supervising social worker. If asking the FC directly hasn't changed anything, the child's social worker needs to go to the FC's supervising social and explain the problem and ask them to raise it.

When is his next LAC review?

I believe the LAC review only happens after 6 months? Hopefully he will be home by then.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:38

Octavia64 · 24/02/2024 09:25

10 degrees is quite cold if you are out in it for a while.

I'm disabled and I use a wheelchair.
I get pretty cold when out and about as I'm essentially being pushed and not moving much.

I have a lot of thermal layers.

Can you clarify when you have seen the child hot and bothered by the layers?

You've said that he comes to nursery in tights and trousers and then nursery take them off while he is there and put them back in at home time.

So presumably the FC is putting them on him for the buggy ride to nursery?

And you say that you or the mum pick up and take them off at the end of the day?

Of course in a wheelchair you would get very cold. But if walking it really isn't cold. I wear a body warmer only now as would get too hot in a jacket with sleeves.

I have seen him hot and bothered every time he has been wearing them. But it was the worst this week. He goes in a car to nursery. We take the tights off and replace with socks when with us so he is comfortable.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:35

lovelysoap · 24/02/2024 10:08

I think mum is focusing on the tights issue to avoid the real issue. Children are only taken into foster care as a very last resort. There is a huge lack of foster care spaces and they only go to the children most at risk of immediate serious harm and when there are no other suitable family members who are even able to care for the child on a temporary basis. Things generally need to be rock bottom for a child to be in foster care and not even dad or any of dads extended family or friends can care for the child. Parental responsibility now lies with the local authority as Mum and dad and no friends or relatives can keep this child safe.

i think that it is understandable that the family will focus on a small issue about the foster carer which is easier than facing up tot he very difficult reality that they cant keep a child safe despite social workers trying to work with them to keep the child safe for a long time.

The focus needs to be the needs of the child and getting home into a proper place where he can be safe and his needs can be attended to not some red herring like tights.

My advice would be to face up to and try and engage and work with the FC and SW on the real issues that prevent this child living and thriving with his birth family.

My advice to you would be to read the OPs posts. If you had bothered to do that then maybe you wouldn't have wasted so much time typing that utter shite on her thread. Nasty, biggoted response to someone trying to do their best for her family.

Spanglemum75 · 24/02/2024 11:35

OP you are very patient. There some people on this thread who have NO CLUE about SEN/ALN and NO CLUE about foster care.

Can you say to her 'he gets too hot with tights under his trousers,,"?

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:33

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 09:24

When my life was turned upside down around the same age I loved having a soft cosy layer next to my skin, it felt safe and comforting. Even as an adult, I'm wired that way - the feel of things is important. Glad most of you weren't looking after me! Far too many adult preoccupations and judgements on this thread, plus a shit load of projections. So few prioritising a child-centred view.

I agree most aren't being child centric as just thinking the FC can do as they like without considering the effect on the DC.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2024 11:31

Parents dressing their own kids in tights, up to you.

A foster carer going against the wishes of a parent is not right.

I'm also guessing a lot of poster may live in very cold climates. Where we live it is rarely 'that' cold and kids are rarely required to dress dir freezing temperatures. I won't ask where the OP is but I am guessing it is not freezing cold there.

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:31

BimBimBaloo · 24/02/2024 10:03

Then 100% push for the Supervising social worker to take this up with the foster carer.

I'd there a reason why the child is with a foster carer and not with a kinship/ family and friends carer?

Show quote history

Yes there is. If you had bothered to read some of the Op posts you would know what the reason was. She explained it early on.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:30

I did lead with the point about his dignity as I was interested to see what people would think as it may shed light on why she is doing this.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:29

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:06

Perhaps the family needs to step up and look after the child if there are other issues as well. I've just seen the comments re the tights

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FFS stop! read the bloody OP posts or don't comment with your nasty responses. It has been explained several times why that can't happen.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:29

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:21

I don’t believe that tbh. If it was a case of the boy being too hot and uncomfortable, OP would have focused on that instead of the comments about it being girls clothes and the SW allegedly saying it’s undignified. The focus on it being too hot only developed after several posters said it’s a normal thing to do.

Show quote history

I said in my OP about it being too hot.

I also talked about the mum's concern about dignity (initiated by the SW.) I've not continued to discuss this element as it is clear most do not understand the SW's point. I'm a nurse and we have a similar focus on dignity so it was a understandable point for me.

But the point is whether anyone agrees about his dignity (and most don't) it still leaves the fact he is hot. It also still leaves the point the mother has parental responsibility not the FC. Most boys are not wearing tights either full stop or in this weather definitely. It is a reasonable request for his mum to say no tights and the FC should follow her instruction.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:28

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:02

Not to mention he's in foster care, so maybe the mother should be concerned about that rather than the poor foster parent who's obviously doing her best trying to look after her child!

It is really simple tpo filter to read the OP posts. If you did that you may have half an idea what you are talking about.

wizzywig · 24/02/2024 11:28

Is there a reason why you can't look after him op?

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:26

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:03

Absolutely!

Show quote history

Read the OP posts before judging.

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:25

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

Maybe your enegy would have been better spent reading the OPs posts to find out why the child is in Foster care before commenting.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:23

converseandjeans · 24/02/2024 09:20

It’s normal in most of Europe to put tights on boys

But we're in the UK and it's definitely not the norm here.

OP is the foster carer from a different culture where this is considered normal?

Not as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:22

GinnyWizz · 24/02/2024 09:19

OP, I think you should all be concerned about the bigger picture, given this is a small child, in care. The tights don't matter. There are big things to be thinking about and to be concerned about. Not tights.

His mother shouldn't be concerned about him being comfortable and happy? Would you not see your child being comfortable and happy as important if God forbid they went into FC?

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 24/02/2024 11:22

The undignified bit is a red herring, if he’s too hot he doesn’t need them. However I see nursery take them off then put them back on before sometime which makes a bit more sense. Does he sometimes walk to school? Are the children not outdoors at all? That doesn’t seem good if so, all children need fresh air.