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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change therapist over this?

88 replies

Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:19

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
KingofCats · 22/02/2024 19:46

Personally I think go with your gut. If you don’t feel fully comfortable with her I’d change.

AstralSpace · 22/02/2024 19:44

Maybe her resting face is like that? She's had to a fully focused session with you, she's engaged, listening and working so when she's finished, her face just relaxes and she takes a breather.

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 19:43

@StasisMom what we don’t know here is whether the therapist is ‘making a face’, which would obviously not be OK, or just relaxing her features as she closes the door after an intense 50 minutes of interaction and concentration.

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 19:39

Regards vs kind regards - you may think this is a ‘thing m everyone knows about because you’re on social media a lot. But this is the first I’ve heard of it. So you are imagining that her online world is the same as yours here - which is unlikely to be the case particularly if you’re not of the same generation.

I totally get that it does feel awkward to raise this sort of thing, but if you’re able to say to her that you sometimes feel disliked by her, it could be the very thing that makes therapy genuinely helpful and life-changing rather than just talking to someone about your stuff.

Particularly if you feel this ever comes up in other areas of your life (I.e. feeling like you’re ’too much’).

StasisMom · 22/02/2024 19:34

I'm in no way as qualified as the counsellor PPs, but I am studying it. The facial expression is not ok, she should totally put to one side any negative thoughts about your or prejudices, because you need to feel totally comfortable with her. She doesn't have to like you etc etc, but it certainly shouldn't show.

Balloonhearts · 22/02/2024 19:34

If you don't feel able to discuss it with her them yes, change. Sometimes as clients we can be a bit sensitive but I do think that they should be approachable.

There's not really much I feel unable to bring to my therapist. We might disagree quite strongly at times, it's a running joke that our sessions have never been short of conflict but it's always talked about and processed. If he's hurt my feelings I tell him directly. Usually this prompts an explanation, a conversation and if needed, an apology.

CheekyAquaBeaker · 22/02/2024 19:33

Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:25

Thanks! I did consider this but just seems super awkward (even if on the face of it you ‘should’ be able to bring it up). She’s only human. I wouldn’t want to look round and she’s beaming and waving at me or each message that says ‘kind regards’ be like – yes, that’s better 😂😂

Show quote history

It’s really hard to bring stuff up so I totally understand. I still find it difficult to do it with my own therapist but if you are able to be brave and do it I think it would be really useful and could potentially improve your relationship.

CabbageStew · 22/02/2024 19:32

Regards Vs Kind regards, you're being ludicrous. I use Regards even though I've probably heard the passive aggressive nonsense.
The face drop, probably your imagination or she may be going through some issue in her personal life, like a sick relative and she's putting on a brave face for the appointment.
Perhaps you have a self destruct part of your psyche that sees you're making progress, so it wants to sabotage you.
Discuss it with her

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:30

Neriah · 22/02/2024 19:25

If it doesn't work for you, then that is all you need to know to change.

But honestly, I think you are projecting. And actually, it IS her job. She isn't your friend or your relative. She's doing a (very important) job of work.

No totally, I don’t expect us to be friends. But also it does affect sessions if I feel she doesn’t much like me on a personal level. It’s inhibiting. I’ve been to other therapists in the past and never had the same sense.

It made me think a bit of that Paul Kaye character out of Afterlife telling him he wasn’t into all that namby pamby shit 😆

OP posts:
Noodge · 22/02/2024 19:28

I'm a counsellor
The 'regards' is probably her attempting to maintain professionalism.

The 'eye rolly' thing. I would as a PP said, talk to her about it

I am sure I sometimes don't have the nicest look on my face (RBF) but it isn't a slight on my clients at all. Counselling can be quite exhausting, but also it could be that she's feeling something she felt you may be feeling, maybe her 'eye rolly' look is more of a look of expressing and processing the emotions she has just felt. Definitely worth sharing wiht her if all else is okay IMO.

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:25

CheekyAquaBeaker · 22/02/2024 19:22

As a therapist I’d say it’s probably worth discussing with her in person if you feel able to. Then her response will give you a better feel for whether you can continue the work. Seems a shame to change if you’ve otherwise found them helpful so sounds like it’s worth trying to talk about it.

Thanks! I did consider this but just seems super awkward (even if on the face of it you ‘should’ be able to bring it up). She’s only human. I wouldn’t want to look round and she’s beaming and waving at me or each message that says ‘kind regards’ be like – yes, that’s better 😂😂

OP posts:
Neriah · 22/02/2024 19:25

If it doesn't work for you, then that is all you need to know to change.

But honestly, I think you are projecting. And actually, it IS her job. She isn't your friend or your relative. She's doing a (very important) job of work.

CheekyAquaBeaker · 22/02/2024 19:22

As a therapist I’d say it’s probably worth discussing with her in person if you feel able to. Then her response will give you a better feel for whether you can continue the work. Seems a shame to change if you’ve otherwise found them helpful so sounds like it’s worth trying to talk about it.

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