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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change therapist over this?

88 replies

Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:19

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 21:18

timeooooout · 22/02/2024 21:09

How does a message about booking a session come to be less favourable than another message about booking a session though?

I just wondered if she's trying to set a boundary around your frequent communication.

lol nooooo… nothing like that. I don’t contact her between sessions.

Just when there has been a more extended exchange a few times (still about session times). Don’t want to be too specific (hence why it’s confusing probably!)

OP posts:
timeooooout · 22/02/2024 21:09

How does a message about booking a session come to be less favourable than another message about booking a session though?

I just wondered if she's trying to set a boundary around your frequent communication.

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 21:05

@StasisMom all we have to go on is OP’s interpretation of this person’s facial expression. But OK. When you’re a qualified therapist let us know how you manage to settle on a professional facial expression that doesn’t come across as insipid to the narcissistic client, or arrogant to the client with an inferiority complex, or fake to the paranoid client, or overfamiliar to the avoidant client, etc. People are always going to be bringing their own stuff.

That said, if OP doesn’t feel comfortable raising it with the therapist and gets a sufficiently bad vibe that it will ruin the therapy, she should find another therapist. It doesn’t necessarily follow that this therapist is shit.

laclochette · 22/02/2024 20:41

@Craybourne Ah deffo not a strictly psychodynamic therapist then, as you said anyway. They work to strict routines ie you come at the same time every week, at least once a week. I have to pay even if I can't make it, which always annoys me 🤣 but the process etc etc etc...

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 20:36

timeooooout · 22/02/2024 20:30

Is there a reason you've been messaging her so much over a relatively short space of time?

Don't you book the next session as you leave the current one?

We just keep in touch to arrange subsequent sessions

OP posts:
StasisMom · 22/02/2024 20:36

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 19:43

@StasisMom what we don’t know here is whether the therapist is ‘making a face’, which would obviously not be OK, or just relaxing her features as she closes the door after an intense 50 minutes of interaction and concentration.

But shouldn't she be a bit more self aware? As in know that her face can do that and so hold off till the door is closed, so OP or any other clients, don't get the wrong idea? People with RBF generally seem to know they have it...

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 20:35

laclochette · 22/02/2024 20:17

Is she a psychodynamic therapist?
This is more the way they practice.
My therapist never smiles when we meet or part. It isn't a friendship or like any other form of relationship you are in. The rules of courtesy do not apply in the same ways. Indeed therapy is an opportunity to explore why we are attached to these things in our daily lives.
You may find a person-centred humanistic therapist more amenable to you. However, I would be interested in whether that would be as useful to you, since I think there is a lot that merits unpacking here around why you feel the need to be liked or thought of as pleasing.

Edited

I don’t feel the need to be liked or thought of as pleasing, in my view professional courtesy is actually a good way of maintaining appropriate distance and neutrality – keeping things less personal and treating others impartially.

In a therapy setting I don’t feel the need for the therapist to like me particularly, but I also don’t want to feel a sense of dislike. I’d have thought the reasons for this were self-explanatory, but I’d say as humans we avoid forming relationships with people who feel disinclined towards us – it’s a good survival instinct.

Interesting about the psychodynamic stuff – I think she works with a variety of approaches and is not ‘A Psychodynamic Therapist’. I did ask when we first spoke about the schools of thought she draws on, may review this. I mean we do always smile and say hello and chit chat when we meet (and part) so doesn’t seem like she’s following any ‘no pleasantries’ theory especially. Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
timeooooout · 22/02/2024 20:30

Is there a reason you've been messaging her so much over a relatively short space of time?

Don't you book the next session as you leave the current one?

newnamethanks · 22/02/2024 20:30

I just emailed my physio and signed off Regards. Do you think she hates me now? Should I ask MN? You are very likely over reacting as you're at a sensitive time in your life. She's your therapist. Ask her, she'll cope. And don't worry about the face drop. Everyone, no matter how much milk of human kindness flows in their veins, is entitled to feel relief when they finish work. Remember she is working, you aren't friends.

existentialpain · 22/02/2024 20:28

If you did decide to talk about all this with her, her reaction would be incredibly interesting. If she gets defensive then you'll have your answer.

Not all therapists are trained or adept in dealing with transference unfortunately.

Frances0911 · 22/02/2024 20:24

This would really put me off. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour before, and I think it really shows the person's true character, and the fact that they don't really like me.

laclochette · 22/02/2024 20:23

@Craybourne If you are experiencing her as passive aggressive it might be what therapists call "transference" ie you are bringing your experience of other relationships and dynamics into the therapeutic relationship. That is super useful info for your therapist! Deffo say all this to her.

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 20:21

Bunnyhair · 22/02/2024 19:39

Regards vs kind regards - you may think this is a ‘thing m everyone knows about because you’re on social media a lot. But this is the first I’ve heard of it. So you are imagining that her online world is the same as yours here - which is unlikely to be the case particularly if you’re not of the same generation.

I totally get that it does feel awkward to raise this sort of thing, but if you’re able to say to her that you sometimes feel disliked by her, it could be the very thing that makes therapy genuinely helpful and life-changing rather than just talking to someone about your stuff.

Particularly if you feel this ever comes up in other areas of your life (I.e. feeling like you’re ’too much’).

Thanks for the response

Sorry if my post was confusing, I don’t ‘know’ about the KR / R thing from social media but from decades of working in offices! It really is a thing, and I’m not particularly young!

Re mentioning it, it’s a bit of a tricky one I guess because you’d only really want to be bringing up something like that with someone you really trust – ironically!

As I mentioned in another response, I’ve been to a few different therapists over the years and never had the sense or wondered before that they might dislike me. But do dislike passive aggression (in others lol) so fully accept I may be picking up on something that she’s oblivious to

OP posts:
existentialpain · 22/02/2024 20:19

As a therapy client I do get what you're saying and it's very easy to read into things that aren't there. However there are therapists who do use passive aggressive ways to deal with clients and I don't think that should be denied. The difficulty with things like text messages is that it's hard to really approach them with the therapist which is kind of the point if they are being passive aggressive. I once has a therapist who used to sign every text message with an 'x' apart from when she was inconvenienced by something I said or asked and then there would be no x.

I guess I'm saying trust your Instincts but also be aware that you might be reading too much into it. Give it some more time and see how you feel.

laclochette · 22/02/2024 20:17

Is she a psychodynamic therapist?
This is more the way they practice.
My therapist never smiles when we meet or part. It isn't a friendship or like any other form of relationship you are in. The rules of courtesy do not apply in the same ways. Indeed therapy is an opportunity to explore why we are attached to these things in our daily lives.
You may find a person-centred humanistic therapist more amenable to you. However, I would be interested in whether that would be as useful to you, since I think there is a lot that merits unpacking here around why you feel the need to be liked or thought of as pleasing.

whatthefrippery · 22/02/2024 20:12

I'm struggling with the idea of going back to therapy after a bad experience and keep on imagining having to start from scratch (I want to just talk about here and now rather than go over the last 40 years all over again!). My bad experience however was pretty humiliating and the first and last time I would ever use a male therapist. I had stuck with him despite not feeling it from the start because he manipulated me by saying "Would you have a problem with a male therapist? Are you open to actually listening to a man's view?" in the first session. I actually didn't hear it in a negative way, rather tried to actually question myself and realised perhaps I did have a bias...huge mistake. He said so many things that were over the line about my recent break up (suggesting I didn't initiate sex enough - even then I had to say actually it was always me cringe and then going on to say I needed to "bring out my anger in the bedroom with toys, perhaps" Shock which was when I left). I feel very vulnerable thinking about therapy again after this. What's worse is he aggressively chased me for weeks for the final payment which I had already sent him but he had missed.

HoHoHoliday · 22/02/2024 20:11

I would start off with kind regards and then drop down to regards for a subsequent message because it feels awkward to use the full greeting a second time. No other malice behind it.

anythinginapinch · 22/02/2024 20:11

I would raise it with her. Particularly if any of the stuff you're working on in counselling relates to
Feeling insecure
Not trusting people
Having been let down or betrayed by people who were supposed to love you
Feeling you're not good enough
Feeling you have to be perfect for people to like you
Lack of assertiveness
Inability to be direct when taking care of your needs

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 20:03

Balloonhearts · 22/02/2024 19:34

If you don't feel able to discuss it with her them yes, change. Sometimes as clients we can be a bit sensitive but I do think that they should be approachable.

There's not really much I feel unable to bring to my therapist. We might disagree quite strongly at times, it's a running joke that our sessions have never been short of conflict but it's always talked about and processed. If he's hurt my feelings I tell him directly. Usually this prompts an explanation, a conversation and if needed, an apology.

That sounds like a great rapport and therapeutic relationship you have established!

OP posts:
Jeannne92 · 22/02/2024 20:01

If they annoy you, they are worthwhile reasons either to speak to her or to look for another therapist.

MrsElsa · 22/02/2024 20:00

If this is all that's wrong you've been lucky to find her!

She's allowed to relax her face and to write "regards". Come on now.

Notanotheruser111 · 22/02/2024 19:56

I wouldn’t read anything into the face. i often have people ask me what’s wrong at work when I am just thinking. And it’s not necessarily negative thinking it’s just how my face is.

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:56

Datafan55 · 22/02/2024 19:51

I think the regards/kind regards thing - the first is just quicker and more likely to be used if it's not your first message.

Fair point, hadn’t considered that

OP posts:
Datafan55 · 22/02/2024 19:51

I think the regards/kind regards thing - the first is just quicker and more likely to be used if it's not your first message.

Original poster
Craybourne · 22/02/2024 19:51

StasisMom · 22/02/2024 19:34

I'm in no way as qualified as the counsellor PPs, but I am studying it. The facial expression is not ok, she should totally put to one side any negative thoughts about your or prejudices, because you need to feel totally comfortable with her. She doesn't have to like you etc etc, but it certainly shouldn't show.

That’s kind of how I feel – if I’m waving someone off at the door, I can manage a smile (even if it’s just a polite one) long enough to get the door closed and safely out of sight. I don’t really want to be wondering what she thinks of me personally. I don’t need to feel she reeeaally likes me, I just see it as basic professional courtesy and neutrality.

And if a client of mine (or anyone else I know) saw me pulling a face the moment their back was turned I’d be mortified!

OP posts:
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