Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should do more around the house?

89 replies

wonderings2 · 22/02/2024 14:08

Moaney post...sorry...

DH and I both work full time, I WFH & he works a 10 drive away. He earns about 20-30% more than me and I contribute a slightly lower percentage of my salary to shared pot. We have DD (5) who is in school a 1 1/2 miles away.

DH's jobs:

Puts DD to bed (I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read - he does the rest)
Takes DD to his Nans at the weekend for 2 hours so I get a "break"
Put the bins out
Go and see my Dad once a week (this takes 2 hours)
Cuts the grass in the summer
Sorts out car MoT's, services etc

My jobs:

Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food
All tidying and cleaning in the house
All washing and ironing, putting clothes away
All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family)
All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass.
Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)
Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.
From May to September he'll be out most Saturdays from lunch time until 8pm playing cricket.

Im so effing tired and worn down, I had a run of poor mental health last year and let the house get in a bit of a muddle (obviously everyone was fed and clothed and DD's room is always clean and tidy) but our bedroom especially got really bad & I dropped the haircuts, nails etc. I'm feeling much better now and gradually chipping away at everything but whenever I point out that he should help he just points out the bedroom and asks why he should bother?

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?

OP posts:
Wednesdayonline · 22/02/2024 14:26

That's an awful excuse that "most men don't do it". My husband does all the cooking and a lot of cleaning and we both work full time. I agree with all other comments, stop doing the stuff for him until he learns to be a grown up and do it himself.

toastandtwo · 22/02/2024 14:26

Also slightly off topic but I hate it when people mention salaries in these posts. It doesn’t matter if you earn less than him. You work the same hours.

Undisclosedlocation · 22/02/2024 14:25

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm?

Do you really,seriously believe this? Most women do NOT have to do more! Not ones in a loving partnership, at least.
He is a lazy, self centred arse who has gaslit you into believing you have to accept the drudgery while he swans about doing sweet FA

toastandtwo · 22/02/2024 14:25

Agree you need to show him this list. It doesn’t matter what he thinks other men do or don’t do. You, his wife, are tired and fed up. My DH and most of the DHs I know do a lot more than him. My DH also almost certainly works more hours than him. (Around 60 per week.) And I work a lot fewer than you as I’m only part time.

dreamingofsun · 22/02/2024 14:25

Can you get a cleaner? Or do a mini time in motion study - ie work out how many hours a week each of you put in - obviously it should be 50/50

My husband now cooks one day a week - its a start.

several of my friends husbands cook and the wives dont cook at all

ChangeAgain2 · 22/02/2024 14:24

He's very selfish. You work and your tired as well. He needs to pull his weight or I'd reconsider the relationship. I can't imagine sitting and doing nothing while my partner struggles.

If he doesn't want to clean he can pay for a cleaner.
If he doesn't want to do laundry he can send the clothes for a service wash.
If he doesn't want to cook then he doest eat.
If he doesn't want to do gardening he can pay a gardener.

He needs to pull his weight or pay to outsource the work.

CommentNow · 22/02/2024 14:22

Have you pointed out that he does significantly less than if he were doing it alone?

Can you put in the same percentage as him? If so, I'd start there and tell him you've written down a chore lost and as of 1st of next month, he can do the top half and you do the bottom half, then swap the following week. No ifs or buts. See his counter offer. Watch the fucker squirm then about why he should do less than you.

Picklestop · 22/02/2024 14:22

I would instantly stop washing and ironing his clothes and stop doing his mother’s admin.

Of course this split is not normal, you are being taken for a mug.

Escapetunnelalmostcomplete · 22/02/2024 14:22

That list would be fair enough if you were a SAHP. It is bloody ridiculous if you are working full time! You should be doing equal shares of everything.

Lovingitallnow · 22/02/2024 14:20

Get him to do a list of who does what and sit and compare and go from there. Also from today I'd stop ironing. Madness. I'm a sahp and I don't iron dh's clothes.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/02/2024 14:17

Could you show him the list you have typed out and ask if you can review it together as it is clearly extremely unbalanced?

For starters I would move his mother's shopping, admin etc to his list!

Sususudio · 22/02/2024 14:16

He doesn't know any men that cook! I assure you plenty do. Stop doing anything for his mum

gamerchick · 22/02/2024 14:15

It doesn't matter "what other men do" it's what happens in your house and between you is what matters.

Ask him why he thinks you should do the lions share. Then tell him when he predictably answers that he's to take care of himself from now on.

His laundry
His cooking
His mother.
His admin (birthday cards, gifts etc)

Tell him that his selfishness is a nail in a coffin of a marriage, one at a time and he has to take on more before your head explodes and end up divorcing him anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2024 14:14

Your husband is a lazy shit who has no consideration or respect for you, and this is a horrendous example to be setting for your daughter. She will grow up to repeat the same mistakes you have made.