To think DH should do more around the house?

On a practical level this can be fixed to some extent with a cleaner and by you simply dropping tasks that are clearly his (like setting out the pjs and doing admin for his mum, presents for his family and his laundry). That would probably just about lighten the load enough for you to continue struggling on.

But even that wouldn’t fix the underlying problem, which is that your partner in life doesn’t respect you or care about your wellbeing. He doesn’t view you as equal to him and would rather watch you struggle and burnout than pick up his share of the load. Only he can change that and without a drastic change and an acknowledgment of the damage his selfishness has already caused I think this marriage will eventually drown in your hurt and resentment.

Basically he wants to live in the 1950s but also wants you to work full time. He can't have it both ways. He is either the provider and your the home maker or your a team.

Obviously, the first thing to do is stop doing stuff for his Mum and present buying for his family, let him get your DD’s pj’s books sorted, don’t do any laundry or ironing for him.

He’s actually not kind or generous or a good Dad when saying things like he does more than most men, he’s tired, etc. He is being lazy and disrespectful.

Also he is not a 'good dad'. Yes your daughter loves him. But kids love shit parents as much as decent parents. I'm sure he had fun with her sometimes. But a good parent -

• takes their kid to school and picks them up
• stays at home with them when they are ill
• is a good role model
• facilitates a smooth family life
• happily spends time alone with their kids and can meet their basic needs - cook for them, do their washing, homework, etc as well as the 'fun' bits
• doesn't spend entire weekends sitting on their arse

I still don't understand why so many women put up with this sort of behaviour?!

Would you want your daughter to end up in a relationship with someone like him?

He is awful. Being able to sit on the sofa and watch you clean up after him is so selfish. Leaving his family every Saturday for 6 hours to play cricket; unless he's getting paid for it, that would be a No. Do you get to have hobbies?

Honestly I think the love would be gone for me at this point but if you're willing to give him another chance, I would give him a list which splits everything 50/50 and give him one chance to engage with it.

If he doesn't, I'd leave him.

*I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?*

Don't delude yourself. A good dad would not treat his child's mother the way he is treating you.

I'm asking genuinely, how is it that you tolerate this kind of treatment? Did your childhood set you up to believe this is normal and ok? If so, you are condemning your daughter to the same future. This gross inequity will be her normal, too.

Your husband is fucking awful.

Either that or tell him that if he is into traditional gender roles and. since you do everything at home, he can be in charge of earning money (which you will have free access to and equal say over, since he benefits equally from everything house and child related being done by you).

What a pathetic specimen (too stressful a job to do any tidying!)

He is a lazy twat. Stop doing everything for him from now on.

This. Don't do his mother's stuff, he should be doing that.
You should be arranging nice stuff for yourself, and getting a break just like he does. You are his wife, not the housekeeper! Be more selfish, he is.

'I don't know any men that cook'. That's the equivalent of teens saying 'no one else's parents make them do chores!'

He does fuck all and I think you need to change your mindset a bit - you are even choosing a book and setting out pyjamas for him!

You say "In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more"...raise your expectations. You do not deserve to do someone else's share on top of your own, its absolutely reasonable to expect to only do your share, and women who expect this as a minimum have more chance of getting it

You also say he is kind and generous...he absolutely isn't! It's not 'kind' to give someone else 95% of your jobs so that you can relax more. It's not generous to nab 95% of the available leisure time, by forcing your partner to do all the work. It's unkind to basically call your partner a nag, when they tell you how tired you are, and its actually disrespectful to try and gaslight them that it's normal, and his weekend sat on his ass is somehow more stressful than your week working and doing EVERYTHING.

I think you need to seriously think about splitting up. Look into finance etc. Ultimately your life will be easier without having to look after another adult who doesn't contribute, snd you will have sime child free time to regroup and wont have to be around someone who disrespecta you and dismisses your feelings.

I'd start by telling him this is your last chance, you are pissed off enough about this to leave, its your relationship no one else's so what everyone else does is irrelevant and you're not happy, if you split he will have to do his own fucking cooking and laundry and chores if he wants to provide a good environment for his daughter to stay, and you will actually be better off in a practical sense by yourself. There will be no more chances, no reminders, you have the right to boundaries and if he doesn't like these he is welcome to leave but if he wants your relationship to continue he needs to do his share, without prompting or reminding or delaying or complaining and if he tries to gaslight you into believing that a fair split of Labour isn't 'normal' then you're not interested in being with him.

There are too many lazy and selfish men around. My husband and I love each other so don't want the other one to be unhappy which means that we both try and ease the load from the other one. I haven't been well this week so have done a lot less than usual, when he's unwell next I'll do the same.

If the person who is supposed to love you the most is going to sit and watch you work your arse off and not offer to do any of it then maybe they don't love you as much as they should.

Also his deeply sexist attitude is appalling.

Men should do x, women should do y.

You are both working parents in a partnership. Who is a man or a woman is irrelevant.

He is a lazy selfish shitbag. He is not a good dad, he's teaching his DD that her role is to be a pandering skivvy. You work full time, therefore housework should be fully 50/50. Time for a come to Jesus talk, and consequences if he doesn't step up. Yes, this is divorceworthy.

You're allowing yourself to be his skivvy, and it is absolutely not normal. It's like you're his mother, not his partner.

Do you really have to ask if you're being AIBU?

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.

What did you say to him on each of these Saturdays? Did you not tell him he was being a lazy arse & make a suggestion as to what he could do?

The level of martyrdom is crazy.

This 100%

Why is relaxing and down time more important than yours? , I’d be telling him that he either steps up or the marriage will end.

You see your dad and you ditch all the stuff you do for his mum and all his presents as a start.

Sit him down with that list and ask him if he thinks it's fair.

If he argues or refuses to pull his weight I'd down tools for him and his mother.

If that had no impact I'd make plans to leave

Can you afford a cleaner? He can pay for it if he's not willing to do his part!