To think DH should do more around the house?

Why is he comparing his contribution with what random men allegedly do? He should compare it with what you do.

Why do you allow this??

STOP doing shit for him. TELL him he is a lazy arsehole and he needs to pull his weight or else he can do 100% of housework, cooking and life admin, as a divorved man living alone.

Absolutely no chance in hell I'd do what you're doing while he lays on the sofa.

Set higher standards for yourself, you do not deserve to spend your one, precious life being a skivvy for a man child!

If he doesn't get it in terms of tasks, ask him why he deserves more down time than you when you both work full time (i.e. the leisure gap). Why is it ok for him to sit on the sofa while you work yourself into the ground. Is this the behaviour of someone who loves and respects their life partner? If he insists on playing cricket in the summer I'd go out myself on the Sunday for exactly the same length of time as him.

"honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly"

Erm why not? Yes everything should be divided fairly

I would stop doing anything for him. I wouldn't cook his food. I wouldn't do his laundry.

This is absolutely not ok and would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to do half the cleaning and he needs to cook half the dinners. You both work full time. Why are you expected to both work full time and be a housewife?

Honestly I wouldn't be ok with modeling this situation to my children.

Why do you think ‘women should do more’? Because he’s made you think that way. We split things and sometimes DH will do more and other times it will be me. I was unwell a few weeks ago, DH did the shopping, laundry, cooking and took care of me. I thanked him and he looked at me like I had grown an extra head and said ‘i’m a grown adult I can handle a home’. I’m always glad I married him.

1. Is he truly so dimwitted that he doesn't know where his child's pyjamas are kept? How much "sorting" can a drink and a book be that he's incapable?
2. If he thinks it would be ok for his daughter to be treated like this one day, he's a shitty dad and she deserves better (he already thinks it's ok to treat your dads daughter this way so he's a shitty husband)
3. He's building his life of leisure on the back of your exhaustion and he genuinely doesn't give a fuck. So he's a shitty human.
4. Just stop it, woman! What do you care if he eats or has clean pants? You should care only as much as he cares about your belly and pants. So zero fucks, then.
5. And he can deal with his own mother, too.
6. This isn't a marriage, it's a life sentence. For your daughters if not your own sake, get bail.

I've had issues with OH.

I didnt work for about a year - lost my job and there were lots of projects to do with building etc so I just managed them.

As a result, i did everything, because otherwise I would have been bored.

I then got a job, OH then has semi retired and he still wafts about not doing much - so I throw a strop every so often, tell him to pitch in and tell him that resentment kills sex lives and if that is what he wants to do, crack on.

We're getting there.

But I don't and never have done any of that bollocks with gifting, his mother is awful and even he has nothing to do with her. he does what I ask, but nothing occurs to him unless I do. that is mental load that I am struggling with atm.but bit by bit I am getting there.

WE've been together 7 years tho, older etc, so different dynamic, but still similar feelings. Be strong little sister, you got this and you will sort it out one way or another

Tell him you can't have sex with a man child. Major ick.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

Right, stop asking, start TELLING!

Just because his mates are MORE CRAP than he is doesn't get him off the hook. Give him his family gifts stuff back, give him his mother back, and tell him he is doing school run 4 days a week.

If he is sat on his arse - give him the hoover and ask him to get on with it.

Remind him you said you would leave. Remind him HE PROMISED to help out and hasn't.

Stop washing his clothes

You could get a cleaner, but that is still letting him off the hook somehow. make sure he clears up crap before the cleaner comes

From your list:
Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food

All tidying and cleaning in the house - give him the hoover on saturdays

All washing and ironing, putting clothes away 0 he needs to help and do his bit of this

All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family) just DROP THE ROPW - he looks after his family presents as of now.

All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week) - set up a rota and stick to it

All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass. sod that for a game of soldiers - get someone in

Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)

Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc - Again, he needs to do this. It's all set up, he takes over as of now.

Honestly I don’t think the housework should have anything to do with gender, it should just be whoever has the time/opportunity. I wfh 3 days a week and mid week I do the bulk of the housework but thats because I can pop a wash on during my lunch break, I can run the hoover round before I log on, can do the dishes while the kettle boils etc, I have more opportunity to do those things because I’m in the house. However on DH’s 1 wfh day he does exactly the same. On a weekend we both contribute equally as both have equal time, I genuinely cannot imagine DH sitting on the sofa watching me while I ran round cleaning the house that’s awful!

He thinks you have a nice life! Really? He obviously has a nice life. I'd love to have a wife and kids and do nothing but work. He's basing his 'you have a nice life' on HIS life and how nice HIS life is because you facilitate everything.

Tbh it sounds like you're at a stage now where you either out up with it as it is now, as he's never going to change, or you leave. Tbh I know which I'd rather do

I'm sorry, but he is a sexist twat. You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to. I wouldn't, personally.

Think about your dd. What kind of future do you want for her? Bearing that in mind, what example do you want to set for her?

We have a cleaner. I do a whizz around on Saturdays, sort the online shop and do the morning jobs like emptying the dishwasher and sorting the dog. I also do the ironing of dd's uniform and my stuff and my family admin

Dh does most of the driving including ferrying dd around to hobbies, the gardening, his family admin, he walks the dog more than me

We share:
Cooking and clear up
Family admin
Washing, drying, putting away.

I think it works out pretty even. We work similar hours and he earns more than me and wfh more than me but we don't take that into account as that's work time so we'll do a quick job at lunchtime but that's it.

We also share all money so making sure the bills are paid falls on us both equally. He wouldn't see me struggling while he's out having fun. We're a team!

My DH is a generation older than yours, brought up in a traditional home, but he decided when he retired in his 50s to learn how to cook proper everyday meals rather than just bbq or show off meals.
Now he does at least 3 meals a week

He's a lazy git.

Have you thought of going on strike for a week? Only doing the bare minimum for you and DD. Otherwise chill on the sofa watching TV with him. See his reaction to that!

My DH earns a lot more, he's FT and I'm PT, and still does a lot more housework than me. He does it so I won't have to. He keeps the place tidy as he doesn't want me spending my free time cleaning and is always encouraging me to focus on my hobbies instead. He'll literally march me out of the kitchen then clean it himself. We also have a cleaner once a week, which he financially covers. Surely a good man wants his wife as stress free and happy as possible?

It's very sad that your DH doesn't care about your relaxation and mental health.

Op no wonder your mental health was in a bad place , with friends like your H and Mum who needs enemies!
You are starting to realise your H is not the good guy you thought- he’s a selfish mysognist.
Start playing by his rules.
Employ a cleaner
Dont do the extras like PJs etc - if he puts his child to bed he does everything
Dont do his mums shopping etc that’s his responsibility
Buy your shopping on line get it delivered , do what makes your life easier.
Start going out on a Saturday and let him parent. After all he’s not doing you a favour he’s just doing what dads do.
Stop doing his pack lunch
Let him do his own ironing or pay for an ironing service

If he has a tantrum good , let him see what grown ups have to do - care for themselves and their children.

Enough is enough OP . The mouse needs to roar no more!

Step 1 - make it clear that everything to do with his family is now his job. How on earth did you get lumbered with all that? He needs to sort out his mum’s shopping and all presents.

Step 2-he deals with his laundry. Make it clear when the new regime is starting, and stick to it.

Start there and see how you go. I’d do that before I paid for a cleaner.

In fact that’s exactly what I have done, minus the online shop as PIL are perfectly capable of doing their own.

Don't listen to your mum. Unfortunately, it's attitudes like hers that are the reason so many women land up in situations like yours.

Your H is a total waste of space. If he's really not willing to discuss it with you, then it seems to clear you have a basic disagreement about how things should operate in a relationship and I don't think that's sustainable most likely.

My DH and I met at 20. His mom was sahp, and also would have in essence laid out slippers and pjs (not literally but in all sense of it). He highly values all the work she did for his dad and would regularly say she's the driving force behind their family unit. When we both worked he was 50:50 with me. Now I'm at home I do the majority of domestic stuff. But he's 50:50 as soon as he's finished working. Equal leisure time equal disposable cash. I'm not bragging (I am)* *but more to emphasise that you don't have to mirror your parents relationship. He can choose to respect all the effort his mother made and not just assume you're going to be the same.

Defo get a cleaner ,it still seems really pants that he doesnt want to help you though.I think he seems to want a cosy wifey at home and benefits of a 21st c working wife as well!

Get a white board in your kitchen and every day write down a list of the jobs you’ve done and a list of the jobs he’s done so he can see with his eyes the imbalance.

Then after this you can start delegating the jobs under each of your names equally instead.

“ In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly”
Why why why? Who made him your boss?