To think DH should do more around the house?

You have a choice OP live like this , teach your child that a woman’s work is never done or divorce.
He doesn’t care enough to try .
You deserve much better

@Codlingmoths you might think it was worth the effort but it's utterly embarrassing.

All the other things you say he' "does" like pick up the DCs etc is normal life and in no way making him "worth it". That's normal family life, no matter how hard he works or what time he gets up.

If he can't be arsed to do the pots the night before so chooses. to get up at 5 to do them (I'm glad you're now able to allow him to do this unsupervised, with only now and again having to tell him, he must do better)), that's on him.

Utterly unattractive and pathetic and no way could I have children with that man, my legs would clamp shut at the thought that I had to teach him to wash pots.

You chose badly, but I'm glad you feel your "work in progress" is worth it. Nothing you've said is about what he should be doing, not sure why you think that it makes him worth it? Low standards I suppose?

Did you use a sticker chart for an incentive or remove his screen time until he learnt?

No ones perfect of course but that's totally ridiculous!

🤮

I understand that, but I feel he was worth the effort and I now have a mostly equal relationship where he does more meal planning, shopping, cooking than I do, picks up dc every night and does dinner bath, does tidying and washing and Christmas presents for his side of the family and makes food for social occasions and diy tasks. When I say it doesn’t often happen now, im ok with that because we both work full time in busy jobs and he gets up at 5 most mornings to do the pots from the night before and empty the dishwasher before heading to work. I am crap at getting anything done in the morning. Nobody is perfect and I’ve had some tough times but he’s worth keeping. He wouldn’t be if he hadn’t stepped up, no question about that.

I just put them all back on the other side of the sink where dirty ones go, and explain to him that washing dishes is not a achieved because they’ve gone through the sink, but when they are clean. I have sometimes put pots back several times before he finally cleans them properly, but that is rare these days. The jobs done when it’s done, and I’m not doing it for him.

I'm not sure I could ever have a meaningful relationship with a person that I had to treat like a child.

I just put them all back on the other side of the sink where dirty ones go, and explain to him that washing dishes is not a achieved because they’ve gone through the sink, but when they are clean. I have sometimes put pots back several times before he finally cleans them properly, but that is rare these days. The jobs done when it’s done, and I’m not doing it for him.

Also I appreciate this isn't the point of the thread but:

DH's jobs: I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read

DD (just turned 4) has been selecting from the drawer and putting on her pjs and picking her own book without my help for months, if your DD is 5 she may be able to do this stuff herself.

DH's jobs: I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read
why do you do this? Stop doing this. He can do that.

My jobs: All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. Including … his family
stop doing that. They Re his responsibility.

All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
then stop doing the two ge can do.

Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc
stop doing that. He can do that.

just reallocating those jobs alone will free your mind and time. And do not remind him of them either.

... he doesn't know any men that cook ...

It cannot be solved by getting a cleaner because the problem is his attitude towards you and your time. And women in general. Even when he takes the children, it is to another woman who will take care of them. No doubt while he sits.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows,
but dh, you don't do enough for our family. So improve or leave.

'If I've asked him to do the dishes I have to re-do them as they are filthy and doesn't look like they've been near a drop of water, every time I've asked to do anything it's always half arsed and I have to do it again anyway. I believe not only is he a lazy twat, he does it on purpose so I don't ask him'

This is weaponised incompetence!

How about you quit doing for him? The bedroom belongs to both of you, he should do his share, if not more.

Exactly this. Men like this get on my wick!
OP my DH was brought up in a very traditional household where his DM waited on his DF hand and foot, however, my DH does not expect this from me (good job) and in actual fact probably does more housework than I do.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows

My standard response to this is that I have higher standards than most women I know so tough basically.

You've asked him repeatedly, pointed out the imbalance and...he just doesn't care does he.

As PPs have said, you need to stop doing everything for him. Cooking, laundry, his family admin and sex. None of it. Put half a load in the machine without his stuff if necessary. Cook your own food and sit down and eat it alone.

Tell him which days he needs to do the school run although I'm sure he won't and you'll end up doing it.

See a solicitor and make plans to leave. Show your children that this is not the way to live and be treated.

Also, I don’t know any men who do as little as your dh.

I second this. This includes my father who is now in his 80s, my other elderly relatives and my grandfathers when they were alive.

Also, I don’t know any men who do as little as your dh. None. Our school and friend community is full of involved dads who cook shop clean tidy ferry kids here there and everywhere. My Dh is making my friends husbands hamburgers now after a bbq we had together, I regularly see another male friend on the train heading in to arrive at the office by 9:30 after we’ve both dropped our kids in various places. They are scout leaders, basketball coaches, school form signers who do a load of laundry every few days. Thats a modern dad. Yours is a dinosaur and you do not have to put up with that, for your health you must not, women can’t do the whole busy job and then everything at home. My 2yo is home sick this week- Dh did tues and Thurs and I am doing Wed and Fri.

There is nothing ‘nice life’ about being exhausted, frazzled, burning out and slaving all day Saturday while someone who SUPPOSEDLY loves you lies on the sofa like a beached whale watching you stress and work. ‘No dear, you’ve got a great life, I’m stressed out of mind living with an entitled man and doing everything for our family.’
drop his mums admin now. Group message her with her and your dh on it: hi Doreen , just to let you know Dh is doing the food shop for you and other things from now on, we’ve had to shift around what we are each doing as I’m not really coping at the moment to be honest! He might need some training, you just have to tell him though!
and never ever think about it again. but point out very clearly that he is still only doing his own thing, it’s his mum, he hasn’t taken on a single thing FOR YOU, and he needs to.

i think you should take a week off on your own. Cheaper than a divorce after all. Leave a list of everything you do in a week and a photo of what the kitchen should look like.

My DH is in his 70s now and we married in our 30s. He has always done the cooking and the food shopping. Even when I was a SAHM for 7 years. He was brought up by his Mum to cook, clean, change beds etc. So, I didn’t have to teach him

Both of our grown up DSs are the same when it comes to housework and other family chores. They are in their 30s, so your “D”H has no excuse at all!

Good luck, OP.

You need to switch focus to "we need equal leisure time, how do we make that happen?"

I've been married for 26+ years to a man who cherishes, values, and respects me. Everyone deserves this. You will never have that and it's very, very sad. I'm 50 now and I can't imagine having to look back with sadness and regret over how I chose to live.

Get a cleaner. Stop ironing, ready meals three times a week and book yourself half a day out of the house - Saturday morning swim and sauna , yoga and coffee . He knows fine well he is not pulling his weight: asking him nicely is pointless. Seize power. Next time he’s looking for a bit if “special time” tell him sorry I’m so knackered from carrying you, you lazy shit, I’m too exhausted. He will only treat you like a doormat if you let him. He needs to pull his weight; he is not going you a favour. Alternatively go into the office every day.

I think you should consider therapy to untangle your chaotic childhood and why you have put up with this shit for so long. Perhaps couples therapy too. I agree with you it sounds like he thinks housework is nothing and therefore can just be squeezed in. Although tbh if it’s nothing surely he could just do it.

His attitude would be fine if you didn’t also work full time.

Yes, in a previous era you would have done everything at home, but you wouldn’t have worked either. Anyone who isn’t stupid can very clearly see that in a household with both parents working, the old-fashioned division of domestic duties just means the woman ends up with two jobs. How can he sit there letting you do everything? It’s mind-boggling.

Just stop doing stuff. Go on strike until he learns how to be a grown up don't facilitate this another day.

Getting a cleaner wont change him and it wont fix the problem of him being a disrespectful manbaby.

It will just delay the divorce!

At the end of the day, a woman will still be doing all the housework, reinforcing his ideas that cooking and cleaning are women's work!