Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

• came back to add -

OP, I was in a similar situation. Except worse, it was multiple infidelities and we had two under two.

I thought about how to name and shame, his work was in a small community and it outdone have been hard, but ultimately I thought, this is dinner party fodder, we will become the topic of chit chat and fuck that for my kids. I decided his disgusting behaviour was not going to follow us around like a bad smell.

The truth eeked out anyway and people were horrified. And I was the topic of one dinner party, as it turned out, so you can't even stop that all happening! The lady didn't know me but my ex trained her horses. She led the conversation by telling the tale of the naughty horseman and his pregnant wife, but how wife was apparently "high maintenance" and it was said back to me as the common acquaintance corrected her to the "facts" - I had never met this woman, but it just shows you can't hold onto or control the narrative, but sometimes it is better to not pour more petrol on it!

This happened in my group.

To the people in the WhatsApp group, OP isn't stating a 'fact'. She's stating her 'fact'.

For the people in the group it's a group about organising nights out or whatever banal stuff and suddenly a member talks about affairs and dramatic shit that they likely have no idea about and should not know about.

But are put in a position of suddenly observers of the breakdown of a marriage?

That's what is undignified. Someone being part of your social media group which includes WhatsApp does not translate to then being your friends and they have a right to be pissed off with other members of the group involving them in what should be, private dramas.

Good suggestion

I'm usually a 'take the high ground' kind of person but actually I don't think I could do that in this situation.

As a PP suggested 'Twatface and I arse splitting up as he cheated on me with Fakefriend'. Then I would leave the WhatsApp group. Any of these people in the group who did know what was happening are not your friends. Fuck em all.

My advice… play the long game.

Right now you should be concentrating on your interests in the divorce proceedings. I wouldn’t rock that particular boat until it’s done. Especially if custody is part of it. You don’t want anything that could bite you in the ass in court.

Do it if you want, there isn't a right an wrong here and there is no such thing as "dignified silence".

But please be aware, you are really angry right now (rightfully so) and heading towards a crash of emotions. This angry phase passes and you will feel loss and grief, just be prepared in some way for that. Thst you might feel like emotionally collapsing and low in energy. Because you might not have the energy for the fallout from this. That's the only reason I'd process with caution.

In terms of "head held high", "moral high ground" and that sort of stuff, it doesn't really mean anything here. You have not done a thing wrong.

I'm so sorry this happened and that he's not even showing remorse for it. Wishing you all the best xx

It is your job to care about your kids.

Hmm…. so I like to think a bit deeper on things like this. I’d want to make sure I came off better and she came off worse.

I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying think about the type of person she is and how this will pan out.

firstly - will she care? Will it upset or bother her to be outed in this way when you already think most of these people know?

Will it cause her harm? It sounds like her marriage already failed, so she probably doesn’t care if you announce it. She has nothing to lose.

Will it make her feel she’s got one over on you? If you announce in the group, might she then laugh about the hurt she’s caused you? Are you showing your cards and showing her she has got to you? Is she going to feel smug about stealing your man?

That would be the biggest thing for me. I wouldn’t want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she had one over on me, had my man and hurt me in the process. I’d probably rather break up in private, then put on the brave face and laugh, saying he wasn’t good enough for me anyway etc.

Just make sure you come out winning.

If you pin the message, does that mean it can't be deleted?

What a nasty, ignorant, misogynistic comment.

I would do it, what a slut.

This

It's very clear to you!

Others disagree. I'm sure they'd also say their arguments are clear too.

Normally @TruthorDie I'd say 'no', 'rise above it', but in this instance - as long as you keep it factual, and as an announcement to the group as to why you're splitting up, then yes I'd say 'do it'.

I don't think it's dragging people into it.
If someone said this in a group I'm in, that doesn't make me obliged to be involved.

Op I think do it.

I can absolutely empathise with the temptation to do this.

Hi Ladies, just a polite warning to keep Lucinda McBitchface away from your husbands. Unfortunately, I recently discovered that my DH was unfaithful to me with her and not only that but she had the audacity to attend our wedding under those distressing circumstances. Needless to say, DH and I are separating.

My worry, though, is that some people will just be there reading the whatsapp group with their popcorn and treating your personal tragedy like their own personal soap opera.

Yes, say it was due to an affair with someone in the group

If you've got your ducks in a row and you are splitting up I would do it.

I've spent decades being the bigger person whilst the person that does the harm gets away with it. My ex treated me so badly and was only ever upset when people knew. Not upset enough to stop the behaviour though.

If he gets upset tell him - you shouldn't have cheated then mate.

It IS dragging people into it.

OP said she suspects some of the people in the group knew but she's in a highly emotional state so will likely be paranoid. But she also said there would be people in the group that didn't know.

OPS marriage and demise has f-all to do with the WhatsApp group so she shouldn't involve them in it.

It's very clear.

It's hardly dragging them into it. She's just stating a fact. If I was one of the people in the group chat and I wasn't aware of the affair I would absolutely want to know as I would then be evaluating my friendships with the 2 affair partners.

Nope. Very aware of empathy which is why I'm advocating for OP to actually understand human emotions and not indulge in the narcissism of social media where she gives no shits about the people who have played no part in her pain but she wants to make them part of it.

No matter how they may have played no part in it, or even if they knew; it was not their responsibility to do anything about it.

There's a very big difference in understanding and feeling empathy and wanting to insert your views or opinions in someone else's relationship.

Most people would rather not do that and the OP is forcing people to do that. Which is not okay.

It's not only very probably that many people (inside and outside this group) already knew but also a real possibility that both of them have a higher body count than what you are already aware of.

I have no words for people who cheat.

I’d totally do it. Why should I keep a dignified silence - there is nothing dignified about sleeping with an engaged man whose fiancé is pregnant, then having the gall to go to their wedding! And why would I cover up the shitty behaviour of my husband.

“Hi everyone, sorry to let you all know that I have decided to divorce John due to finding out he slept with Sally before our wedding. I would not have married him had I known this, so thanks to anyone who knew about their tawdry affair and chose not to inform me. “

I'd post it.

I have learned that Jack and Sue were having an affair up to and over our wedding. As I cannot forgive their deceit I will be divorcing Jack.