To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

🙄🙄🙄

Maybe you should read the room... She needs a friend and has reached out. Sounds like she needs someone right now. Maybe she thought you didn't get the first one..

It's not that you don't have time. Doesn't take 30 seconds to say, bit busy will chat later. U ok? How hard is that?

You have put her to the bottom of the to do list and are annoyed at her that she doesn't know that.

Do better.

@thepastinsidethepresent · 24/02/2024 13:21

Speaking as someone who's sufficiently long in the tooth to remember the days when a daily phone call counted as a lot of contact, sometimes I feel like the world's gone mad. People who are saying it 'only takes a minute' to message someone back are missing the point imho. The expectation that people should drop everything and reply instantly if someone else happens to feel like messaging them feels really entitled.

I do have and use WhatsApp and other messaging apps, and I use them, as well as texting. But I abhor the pressure to be always reachable and the expectation that replies will be instantaneous. People probably think I'm being arsey with them sometimes because I'm not permanently glued to my phone, don't always have any messaging apps open, and therefore don't see their messages for a few hours, or even sometime - gasp! - till the next day.

But my friends and family know I care about them without me having to pepper them with texts to prove it. They also know that if there's a genuine need I will put other things to one side and spend time messaging/talking with/seeing them. But it's simply not reasonable to expect everyone to be constantly receptive to and engaged in every message exchange others happen to feel like initiating. People have lives to live.

I think the frequency of communication OP's describing from her friend is excessive, personally. Barring situations where an emergency might arise (e.g. with a vulnerable parent), we simply do not have to be at the constant beck and call of our friends or relatives in order for them to know they are being thought about and cared about.

I do agree with this - and I actually agree with it as somebody who is a person that gets a bit stressed when somebody doesn't text me within an hour or two. LOL 😆 (SOMEtimes, not always. I can wait a few hours sometimes without moaning that they don't love me. I'm kidding! I'm not 😆)

I've tried to be a lot better over the last year or two and I give my daughters probably 5 or 6 hours, and if they haven't responded me, I'll just message and say 'hi. Did you get my text/whatapp message?' Only once or a week maybe, not every day! I know I'm probably annoying sometimes and I try not to be.

Sometimes I'll wait till the next day. But if they haven't answered within a day and a half, I will message again yes. Sometimes it's coz they don't even notice my notification - because they've got about 20 friends between them and dozens of colleagues and acquaintances, and my social circle is much smaller and I am less busy.

Also, sometimes my message has dropped down and they admit they didn't see it - and apologise. It does happen. They don't need to apologise but they do.

What does annoy me a tiny bit, is sometimes one of my daughters will message me on Whatsapp 2 or 3 messages over a couple of minutes and then I answer them back a couple of minutes later ... And then they don't come back to me until two days later. What's that about? Maybe somebody in their mid 20s can tell me.

I do agree that texting/whatapping etc has made people much more reachable quickly and there is an expectation for people to respond quickly, but also the landline did that too! When someone used to ring me, and I wasn't there/didn't answer, they would expect me to ring back as soon as I got the answerphone message. I mean I know they couldn't know when I got it, but they know I would get it soon/a few hours later probably.

Also, people could put their whatapp status to unavailable, and switch off their messenger status in facebook, so the person can't see they have read the message.

I don’t see it as babying.
I see it as courtesy.
Some people with ND brains may not be able to wait as long as someone who was NT?

Surely if someone hasn't replied then it's obvious that they can't catch up right now?

Fair enough if you're not going to reply for a week, but are grown adults really that fragile that they can't cope for 24 hours without a reply to their text?

You really shouldn't need to baby people like this

It sounds to me as though you don’t really care for the friendship if a quick “sorry but I can’t catch up right now, I’ll message you later”, or something similar is a bother for you. No lengthy discussion, just a I can’t right now would suffice

Are you for real!? OP, I used to know someone like this. I ghosted her because I can't be doing with that level of needy. Is she someone you actual like spending time with? Because if not, I wouldn't bother responding too often at all.

I'd wait and have a conversation with her when you're next together, along the lines of 'please don't take my not immediately replying to your texts the wrong way, I don't have it at work, and it's on charge as soon as I get home. I'll always reply when I've got half hour to respond properly '

@Missyc11 Let us guess, you're a double texter 😂
A few seconds to reply to a text.. yes. But then another comes, and another.. etc..
Learn to read.

Speaking as someone who's sufficiently long in the tooth to remember the days when a daily phone call counted as a lot of contact, sometimes I feel like the world's gone mad. People who are saying it 'only takes a minute' to message someone back are missing the point imho. The expectation that people should drop everything and reply instantly if someone else happens to feel like messaging them feels really entitled.

I do have and use WhatsApp and other messaging apps, and I use them, as well as texting. But I abhor the pressure to be always reachable and the expectation that replies will be instantaneous. People probably think I'm being arsey with them sometimes because I'm not permanently glued to my phone, don't always have any messaging apps open, and therefore don't see their messages for a few hours, or even sometime - gasp! - till the next day. But my friends and family know I care about them without me having to pepper them with texts to prove it. They also know that if there's a genuine need I will put other things to one side and spend time messaging/talking with/seeing them. But it's simply not reasonable to expect everyone to be constantly receptive to and engaged in every message exchange others happen to feel like initiating. People have lives to live.

I think the frequency of communication OP's describing from her friend is excessive, personally. Barring situations where an emergency might arise (e.g. with a vulnerable parent), we simply do not have to be at the constant beck and call of our friends or relatives in order for them to know they are being thought about and cared about.

@Missyc11 No not "well said", read the thread.

Well said!!

Ok so just tell her u only want to use ur phone to arrange the meet ups and ignore the rest.

Don’t get what the drama is.

Your update on the podcasts makes me feel even worse for you! In these situations I often reply with emojis so I know I've answered but it doesn't engage conversation. Keep doing emojis and she'll get the hint eventually you're not up for text chat.

for me if its really urgent ring if it needs an instant reply you'll get and instant reply. you don't dictate my time ill reply when i am ready depending on how busy or not i am

Just send a thumbs up emoji after the second one. It’s a response but you don’t have to get involved.

I’d just tell her constant bombarding annoys you and you don’t have time to respond to them or to listen to ‘podcasts’
I’d just be honest with her that you don’t like it

I think you need to tell your friend her messaging is too much. If you've never told her, how will she know.
If that's doesn't work for her, she can speak with her other friends.
Some of my friends will message a couple of times a month to arrange a meet up, some will message most days, you need to manage her expectations.
However, I don't think you're being very kind to your friend on this thread, I hope you're nicer to her when you spend time together and are just using this as a forum to vent.

You know you can listen to people on double speed?

It's a non-issue. It doesn't matter how quickly she responds, you can just reply when you want and that will naturally slow the conversation down. She will be talking to herself if she keeps writing, and you can just respond with something nice and friendly once a day.

I don’t think it’s about fixing the friend, rather setting clear boundaries and explaining why. Too often people try to do something sneaky to save someone else’s feelings and it almost always backfires and causes more hurt. Just being honest is really what’s needed here.

As for the long voice messages, I just wouldn't listen to them! I'd probably admit that to a friend too.

Of course you don't have to reply straight away. I'd probably ignore the fact that she's 'double-texted' and reply when convenient.

You don't have to give an excuse either ("I was really busy" etc - particularly if you're implying that she isn't). Many of us don't reply instantly to catch-up messages. It's fine.

I don't disagree with what you wrote but if the text person is having that many issues the OP cannot replace them getting counselling or other professional help

Person 1 has an issue with person 2 but Person 1 has to fix person 2 or do things to stop them feeling bad, that is not on them or fair on them