Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

What the update op? Have you told her you’re not going? (You shouldn’t by the way!)

Oh my days - I’ve had this. Was invited to the engagement party, asked to do their engagement shoot (as a wedding gift which was fine as I was doing a degree at the time), invited to the hen as their photographer but not included in the “fun stuff” and then uninvited to the wedding after that.

I was completely blanked after it all despite sending their kids bday presents etc - no contact at all.

I simply wasn’t cool enough for her crowd anymore - I had known her since I was 2

I think I'd cut my losses and not go to the hen do or wedding. I'd say financial reasons if you don't want to tell her how thoughtless she's been, then text the bride asking for the cost of materials for the signs and £ towards postage, or she comes to collect. .

I had a good friend only invite me to the evening celebrations despite having people at the main event she didn't even like. She then had the cheek to ask me to nip over and clean the house for people coming back after the wedding. Needless to say we are no longer friends!

I’d decline all of it - on the basis you are rightly not providing free signage services now, going to the hen do could be awkward for you both. It does feel as though she has strung you along for the services you can provide and then invited you to the bits that will cost you, not her (is there a free bar at the evening do, for example, or will you have to BYO?)

A friend of mine’s husband did my signage, as he was an art graduate and amazingly gifted - she was one of my two bridesmaids and BFF. I provided all the materials and thanked him personally in the speeches with a bottle of champagne.

But then, we also gave gifts to the three people who had travelled the furthest (kind of like prizes for distance travelled) as we had guests from NZ, S Africa and one who’d flown back from a posting in Florida! Just wine/champagne, but we wanted to acknowledge that they had gone above and beyond to share our day.

Please update us, OP! As this post has been discussed with my kids who think your friend is CF and they’d like to know what happens 🤣

YANBU. Don't feel obliged to go to either.

*invited to

I sympathise about affordability. Don't have an evening do, that'll cut costs.

@SantasComingToTown
Don't go to the hen do (can you get a refund if you've paid out already?).

Don't go to the evening do.

Don't give her the wedding signs you've made.

She is using you.

I can't say I think it's greedy. In most cases it's due to affordability for the couple and I don't think the bride & groom are necessarily expecting big gifts from evening guests. Evening guests at our wedding mostly gifted a nice bottle of Prosecco which was lovely. We had some neighbours and colleagues in the evening.

Hen parties again haven't been expensive in these cases. I've 4 young children so I wouldn't go abroad for example. It's been around the £100 mark and I'm happy to pay that if I'm good friends with the bride regardless of which parts of the wedding I'm invited too. In the OPs case it's mean though given the distance and efforts.

I'd message her saying, "I'm sorry but we can't make the evening reception because it's too far to travel, just for a few hours. But i hope you have a beautiful wedding." You still have time to decide on what to do, regarding the hen. If she complains about you not going, then i would not pay the rest of the hen. She can come and get her small printed pieces, but I wouldn't do the large one. Because it's expensive to make, and you won't know if you'll see her again before the wedding.

It's a bit greedy though, isn't it? Pay for the hen night, buy a wedding gift, but oh, you can only come in the evening? Sounds a bit mean to me, but then again weddings seem to have changed a lot in the last few years.

Weddings are difficult as sometimes, who you want there and who you can afford are two different things and families get involved and your guest list looks nothing like you had imagined because the groom has more guests than the bride and MIL insists so and so gets invited. Not all happy couples can withstand the pressure!

Personally, I would go on the hen do as you have paid for it. But I would explain to the bride that you had believed you were attending the day and evening event when you commited to help with signs and now its just the evening event, you just can't validate the expense/time off (if you can get the leave?) due to the distance involved, it being mud week and presumably having to get there with the signage for the day event. That coupled with the fact that kids aren't invited (which you totally accept is her choice) just makes your attendance too logistically and financially problematic . Tell her you will post the A4 signs but won't be able to help with the rest. Tell her you hope they have a wonderful day and don't burn your bridges as you never know what heated discussions have gone on behind closed doors about who gets invited to what!

She may or may not take offence but just be calm and explain the dilemma.

I've been to a few hen parties and only received an evening invite. They have all been local weddings and mostly only close family during the day and friends in the evening.

I'm a bridesmaid in April and both my sisters are coming on the hen night as they are also friendly with my best friend (bride) but they are only attending the wedding in the evening. No issues. However I think because of the distance and the help she's asked for - it's a bit mean in this case.

Question tho. Do they both come from big families? Is the main event and meal for families and bridesmaids and ushers /best man/maid of honour only?

Do you know others who are invited to the main event thst aren't part of the above group? If so then decline the invite and pull out of the hen.

Personally anyone who gives me an invite for a wedding where it says "no children" I would turn anyway

I'd decline if I were you and think seriously about declining the hen do as well. Anyone I know who has had a midweek wedding has sent out save the date notices well in advance because they know people have to organise time off work, childcare and accommodation if they aren't local. All of these things take planning, can run into an expensive event for your guests and a three day hen do on top of that is a lot to ask - I actually think it's weird they didn't release the date and venue until the invite came out, what was the reason for this? Sorry to say but I feel you are being used somewhat if you are being expected to do things for the wedding but somehow your efforts are only good enough for joining the £200 hen weekend but aren't enough to warrant a full invite - I made a work colleagues wedding cake at a non-local venue and she insisted my husband and I came to the full day, and she had paid me for the cake as well.
Don't put yourself out anymore for this person.

I would go to the hen do as it sounds like you have already paid. When she finally gives you the date of the wedding, I would say " sorry I didn't know you were getting married that day and am already going out" If they are going to be so secretive with the date and don't give people enough notice, then they must expect people to have other plans already booked. Go get a baby sitter for a few hours and go on a date night, just the two of you.

@NikNak321 - well, you have to make choices. Don't have an evening do, just have a wedding and a reception, like people used to. Don't have massive hen/stags, invite close friends for a meal. There's no need for all the show and expense.
You're a dear, close friend, but I'm not inviting you to my wedding?

I think if it's too far and there's child care difficulties turn down the invite graciously. But I don't think a hen do invite entitles one to a full day invite. I only had around 60 at my day do. You have to appreciate people have different sized families and that can eat up a lot of seats. I literally had my two best friends and their families at my day do. My Scottish aunt and cousins families took up 10 seats on their own 🙈. My two best friends didn't even attend then hen do. None of my hens and a few stags were at the day do. Day do's are pricey and families are large. To have all my hens and stags attend our day do it would probably have to be 120 strong. It doesn't sound so unreasonable now I think that you have had an evening invite only 👍. I do think a weekday wedding is difficult though. We paid more for a weekend wedding appreciating that it's unfair to suck up other people's annual leave 😥

Don't go. Hubby and I have decided unless Weddings are local we won't be accepting invites. It costs a fortune these days. One wedding cost us over £1000.00 to attend and she wanted us to dress up our classic car to take her Mother and Bridesmaids to the church and back to the venue. So no more we just send a gift voucher and spend the money on ourselves, instead of an hotel in a place we would not have chosen to visit.

Why don't you tell her that the reveal date for delivering all your unpaid work for her will be revealed soon as you know she likes surprises, and then 2 days before the wedding you can announce that they'll be available for a date 2 days after the wedding "tada!!"

But in your shoes, I just wouldn't make the signage, wouldn't go to the hen do and wouldn't go to the evening do. No explanation is really required at this point I feel. She knows why. Plan something lovely to do with your family that day.

Good Lord how rude can people be .. I can't imagine how this felt ok in their heads .. it would be a hard no ... sounds like you're thinking that already

I wouldn’t go to neither.

just decline. Simple

I had the same thing. In my case I initially couldn’t get into the hen do because she had forgotten to put my name on the door. Then she told me that although I hadn’t been invited to the day reception actually I could come. Then in passing it came out that I couldn’t come after all because in fact some cousins needed the spot. Then on the day I attended the ceremony as instructed and disappeared for the wedding breakfast (to visit a nearby relative). Show up at the evening event as instructed and she says ‘where were you? You could have come to the lunch after all because so and so didn’t show up. Why didn’t you come to see if there was a space. ????

Decline everything. Pack up what you’ve made asn then be unable to find it again- ‘I’ve searched the whole loft-I’m really sorry. You could drive over next weekend and help me search it again? Oh that’s too much effort for you?? Oh ok then. Again, I’m sorry. No I don’t have time to redo it, you’ll understand when you have a baby. Oh she’s awake now, I have to go’