Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

That's how it always used to be here. (although no doubt some people will contradict!)
Until recently, the only wedding invitation you got was for the wedding, not some secondary part. I'd never come across it before. Then again I'd not known many people who could extend the whole thing into the evening anyway!

Yes - I didn’t see the full conversation.

I think the evening do has evolved because it’s normal now to hire a venue for the wedding and the reception, which increases cost per head and limits numbers. In theory they mean that local friends like work colleagues can be included and toast the bride and groom and see the dress, but they are also a money spinner for the venue.

I have been to evening do’s and not been at all offended that I didn’t ‘make the cut’ of attending the ceremony, and just been happy to take part - but those were situations where I genuinely was just a work colleague or really a friend of a friend.

This would make the OP sound dramatic and insane rather than showing up the bride to be.

Absolutely do not send @cooldarkroom response. It's ridiculous.

Do NOT do this. It’ll give her the ammunition to justify her decision in her own little mind.

@Merrymouse Yes, I agree. Sorry I wasn't clear my post was in reply to @JustKillingTime who mentioned about hierarchy.

I agree about the changing nature of weddings, but the situation here isn’t even really about wedding etiquette.

It’s really odd to ask somebody to provide supplies for an event ‘as a friend’ and then not invite them to the event.

I have been to a hen party without being invited to the actual wedding, but the wedding was immediate family only, the reception was the main event, and everyone at the hen party knew the plan. It’s really odd to ask somebody to pay £££ for a hen party without sharing details of the wedding.

There's no way I could go to either the hen or evening do under these circumstances. An apology and belated invite to the whole day would make no difference, since it would clearly be the result of Grandma's intervention. She sounds selfish and unreasonable and I'd probably go NC after this.

Definitely make her collect the signs if she wants them, or offer to send them by courier at her expense.

Whatever you decide to do re wedding and hen, give the signs as the gift (if you intend to do a gift) and don't spend anymore 👌

"Dear CF,
I am stunned & very hurt, I thought we were family & more than friends. you have been calling & discussing your wedding for months, you have bounced ideas off me, & asked me to do the sign making & we've been relegated to an evening invite only
I was really looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle in your beautiful dress & marry the man you love.
I now feel used & second best, so you obviously won't mind me refusing your evening bash. it's a lot of money & I need to organise the baby sitting etc.
Frankly it's not worth my time. or money.
I won't be completing the signs. if you want the ones I've already done, you'll need to collect.
I am asking X for a refund on the hens thing also, as I can see I'm just filling out numbers for you to get a cheaper deal.
I'm sure you'll understand. You set it up after all.
I genuinely hope you have a wonderful day."
....

The thing is, I don't think it was originally a hierarchy. It's just an ugly by product of wedding evolution.

Back in the 50s and 60s, there probably wouldn't have been a hen do and a stag do. The wedding really was seen as the joining of two families and the wedding breakfast likely took place in the local community centre or village hall, with numbers limited to family and only closest friends due to costs, but family included every aunt, cousin, dog and so on. Friends would more likely have been friends of the parents than B&G. Therefore it was standard to invite colleagues, friends and neighbours to the evening do, but they would all have been local, so traveling "just for the evening" wasn't a thing.

Now weddings last longer and cost more. Plus brides and grooms are paying their own way and choosing to want friends at the whole thing.

Which is why it's a pickle. There's no long standing etiquette!

(N.B. No need to shout me down 'that mine wasn't like that', I'm generalising, I know)

I am from an Asian culture where this weird wedding invite hierarchy doesn’t happen. Thank goodness
.

I’ve been to a few hen dos and not weddings, because the couple were having very small, intimate weddings or destination weddings.

They are also up front and open about it though and would never ask me to help out.

The fact that she’s been secretive about you not being invited is really bad and I would not go to her hen do, help out or even want to be friends with her.

The more you post about her OP, the more of an arse she sounds. Since she's family I'd keep it polite, but I wouldn't be going to the wedding or the hen do. Way too much drama.

I would pull out of the hen do, the signs and the evening do,

This is not a nice way to treat people.

I'm usually "you can invite who you like" but she wants you to make stuff for her wedding and then not even invite you?! Cheeky mare.
I'd decline making them, say you don't have the time.
I'd maybe go to the evening do, depending on how much I wanted a night out at the time lol

The only times I’ve ever been invited to the hen and evening do was work colleagues who explained clearly in advance that the daytime was small and family/very close friends but the hen and evening were so more friends could come and celebrate

Though this as back on the day when hen nights were dinner and cocktails followed by hitting the dance floor rather than a mini break in Dubai costing £100’s

I agree 🚩

I think I'd simply not go, she's rude. You couldn't take your child(ren) anyway I suppose?

I wouldn’t go to the hen abs I definitely wouldn’t go to the wedding .

Just rsvp that you can’t make it

On reflection - yes, just walk away from the whole wedding thing for now. I hate the whole two-tier wedding thing, either invite everyone to the whole day or not at all - if you're having a very small wedding by all means have a party another time but the whole showing up for the evening bit after everyone's been together all day always feels weird.

💯

I'd be making a few signs for her, but they might not say what she was expecting them to say!

She's using you, plain and simple. You know that crafting day? She has no intention of doing that - she's planning to pull out at the last minute and expect you to do it all.

Don't go to the hen do and put up with everyone talking about the wedding day. Don't go all that way to the evening do only to hear everyone talking about what the wedding was like.

Show yourself the respect you deserve and tell her to take a hike.

Hmmm...if this were me in real life...

To keep the peace since she's a close relative I think I'd finish the signs, take lots of pictures which I could have ready to use if I did decide to have a go at selling them later, and call it a wedding gift. That's if the cost outlay really is £50 and not more like a £100.

Do you enjoy the company of people on the hen do anyway? If you can't get a refund I'd probably just go and make the best of it.

Nearer the time something would 'come up' and I'd not be "very sorry" but not able to make the evening do.

This is just me though....

Id back out of the wedding and the hen do

you don't need to be spending money on stuff you don't need to

Its apparently the new thing now to not spend money on stuff you don't want to - meals out etc

Or alternatively if you wanted to travel a 400 mile round trip for an evening do and buffet of a wedding that everyone else has been at all day - go for it

What makes me cringe is they want to save money by having a weekday wedding - but expect everyone else to drop two days pay to come to an afterparty