Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

@Gwenhwyfar there was no separate event at the weddings I've been. The dinner sort of continues into the dancing and drinking, the tables get moved away. I'd honestly be gutted if I ever got invited only to that part. The friends who couldn't afford a big wedding either did a barbecue in he back garden or a barn type wedding. DH and I only had a registry wedding with a nice dinner after with about 20 people because we couldn't afford a wedding. I'd say my friendship group is mixed but yes, the people having the big white traditional wedding were all well off.

Can you get your money back on the hens?
Are you looking forward to either the hens or evening celebration? If you will enjoy them, go.
Say NO to any jobs.

Were they mainly well off people? It could be that they could afford to pay for the reception for everyone.

I have only been to one British-style wedding (it was in Ireland, but half the family being English) where all 70 people were invited to everything, but that's not the norm imo.

Or actually is the no separate evening guests thing a new development? Because I'm quite a bit older than you and been going to weddings since the 80s, but you have been to more in the last few years.

I've been to many weddings (I'm old!) and those of work colleagues has generally been an evening do invitation only. All were local(ish) and I was very happy to accept them. Not insulted at all.

@Gwenhwyfar to be fair to @Nanaof1 i have been to many weddings in the UK (I'm mid 30s so a LOT especially in the last 5 years and I have 2 more this year) and not a single one had an "evening do" invite only. Not a single one. I have only ever seen this on mumsnet.

I have read people on here being invited to the ceremony and then the evening do - no meal! Which obviously is incredibly rude.
That happened to me once. I was young and they were one of the first friends to get married. It struck me as odd to invite people to travel many hours and then kill time between the ceremony and evening do. I wonder if a relative gave them a nudge because they updated the invites so that everyone travelling was a full day guest.

Simplelobsterhat
I think some people's objections to them is that it can get into friend ranking.
So whilst it makes sense that someone might invite the football team/friends from choir/colleagues as a social group to the evening do (Vs to the whole day thing with the almost expected plus one), when people start splitting people within a friendship group into day/evening it can make the relationship awkward.
It's also an issue I think when the couple choose a venue that requires a lot of travel, has limited accomodation options and so will cost people quite a lot to attend.

Most weddings I've been to have been smaller overall with everyone doing the whole day, but then most weddings I've been to haven't been the hotel/country house type venue.

Use baby as excuse: I wouldn't go to either. Save your money

In my experience:

1. Ceremony
2. Reception (this is the lunch/dinner, traditionally sometimes called a breakfast, but is never really in the morning)
3. Evening do - usually a disco and cash bar, sometimes has a buffet

People are talking about being invited to the evening do ie the disco, but not the ceremony or the reception/dinner.

You are right that anyone can go to a church and I have also been invited as a local guest to the church ceremony and then the evening doo, so bypassing the food. I had no problem with this as the person was an acquaintance and not a friend and I lived locally.

Are you not from the UK or have you just never been to a wedding?

Where I live now, it's different but similar in that they have an aperitif after the ceremony to which colleagues and acquaintances are invited, then only some of the people invited to the drink stay for the food/reception.

I think it's being seen as 'second class' guest that people don't like and it was very awkward once when we arrived on time for the evening do and the reception was still going on.

I never understand the outrage of Mumsnet to evening invites IN GENERAL. If it was any other occasion, eg big birthday, a party with buffet, disco and cash bar would be seen as a perfectly acceptable event to be invited to, but suddenly when it's a wedding people can't possibly go to all the effort of putting on clothes and leaving the house for that!

I've always been happy with an evening invitation. I've even done overnight hotel stays for a couple, although would think a little more carefully about whether I wanted to accept in those circumstances. But if it's a chance to see people I like and have a nice night out with them, and I can find a fairly cheap hotel, why not? I usually put a bit less effort in for outfit, and take smaller gift for evening only - again treating it more like a birthday party.

In the OPs case it's different because essentially the bride has been treating like she is closer to them than that by asking big favours etc, but I really don't see the issue in evening invitations generally (unless there is no food, in which case I do think you are in CF territory, particularly if people have travelled).

It really must depend on where you are from as since I was a kid (I'm in my 40s) evening reception only invitations are very common for extended family, neighbours, colleagues. Starts around 6.30/7pm after the meal so you arrive before the first dance and band etc starts. You see the first dance, cutting of the cake then have a buffet. I've been to so many of these for friends and colleagues and often been to the Hen party too but not the wedding ceremony or meal. Each to their own. For some close family and friends I've been to everything all day. It really just depends on the budget and circumstances 🙂

If you've paid for the hen do then go & enjoy it. But decline the wedding evening invite as it sounds like a lot of expense for a short period of time

Evening do is after dinner. So basically the disco and night buffet.
I know there are people who seem to have never been invited to one but it used to be common for local acquaintances and work colleagues. People you probably not invite to a whole wedding anyway. You would often go with a group of people so more fun than walking in on your own.
Increasingly though as the price of weddings and type of weddings people want, they move people who would be day guests to just night guests. Even when there are distances involved (in my opinion, these are cheeky fuckers generally).

I have read people on here being invited to the ceremony and then the evening do - no meal! Which obviously is incredibly rude.

Nanaof1
It depends on the type of wedding.

A lot of country house or fancy hotel venues will have a day guestlist and an evening guestlist. The day list is usually smaller due to the ceremony room being smaller and the wedding breakfast only fitting so many (or the cost of the wedding breakfast). The evening is more of a party and people might invite wider friends or colleagues.

Some have minimum numbers of guests stipulated at each point in the day as well so the couple have to pay for a set number of guests whether or not they invite them. This is particularly a problem for spring/summer Saturdays.

Some people seem to really have trouble either RTFT or with reading comprehension skills. SMDH
You have a lot more patience than I do!

Since MN is the first place I've ever heard of this, could someone please explain something to me?
Are there usually three parts to the wedding?
Ceremony
Dinner
Reception
or am I missing something?
If one is only invited to the "evening part" of the wedding, is that after the ceremony AND dinner, or just the ceremony?

Personally, I would never go to just an "evening do", if all it's just drinking and dancing. I can do that anytime and not have to worry about dressing up or spending money on a gift for someone who doesn't consider me worthy of the ceremony or dinner. (Though in reality, anyone can go to a ceremony if it's in a church).

Sorry, I forgot to add only those on the list were invited to the Hen party.

Ie don't blame yourself.

If the bride has made you feel used and not valued and rejected.
You're in your own right to act to protect yourself and not bend over backwards.

People need to stand up to people that are inconsiderate.
And people need to have consequences for being inconsiderate.

If she wanted you there, and it wasn't a mistake you'd be going.
Its fine for you not to show.
All she has to do is invite you.

Ask if it was a mistake that you weren't invited to the day time wedding.
Because if you're invited to the hen party and you're involved in wedding prep, it sounds like you're close and involved.

If it's the case that it wasn't a mistake, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. The thing is do you actually want to go to a wedding, a hen do and help with signs?
Are you upset because you're not being chosen or because you really wanted to go?
Are you giving your attendance because you feel obliged and obliged to help?

Check in with yourself what you actually want to do. And then communicate that to her.

If it's the case you're trying to be a nice person. Don't feel bad. It doesn't sound like the bride is being thoughtful and she chooses what she gives out. It's on you to choose what you do and how to act based off how you're treated.

I wouldn't go to any of it. She has made you feel an after thought.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! Such a shame as it's sad that this will end a close friendship too, weddings make people crazy!
Please please do come back and update us after the hen weekend and more importantly update us now hat Grandma does!

I agree it's pretty common these days but in the OPs case I can see why she's hurt.

@SantasComingToTown yea, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't make the signs, I might not remember until about the same time you received the invite after the reply deadline. Just remember when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time x

It’s not just a cousin, they’re a very small family, her DH grew up with this cousin closely, they speak constantly through the week and have a close friendship, it sounds like OP has been leaned on a lot with regards to wedding planning.

The OP is family and has also been asked to make things for the big day at no expense in her spare time. I think it's cheeky!