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Original poster

Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

508 replies

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2024 15:42

I always thought close friends went on hen do and obv be at the wedding ?

Sounds too hard with travel distance evening hotel childcare

Not giving people the date or location is insane

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:42

Kelly51 · 19/02/2024 14:40

Just how much are these signs costing you?
She sounds very thoughtless.

I have no idea, probably about £50 by the time I’m done. To be honest I was considering giving her that as a wedding gift instead of cash towards the honeymoon, but we haven’t made our mind up on that yet.

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 19/02/2024 15:42

I have been invited to hen dos and the wedding evening but not the day.
It’s never bothered me but then I don’t like weddings. I think in your situation I’d be annoyed because you invited them to your wedding day and they haven’t reciprocated. For that reason I’d decline the wedding invite and make up an excuse as to why you can’t attend. I’d go to the hen do though because it would suit me to do so 🤣.

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:41

Sillysausagedog · 19/02/2024 14:38

So she wants you to come on her expensive hen do, make her signage and then just offer you a party.

No thanks.

I'd send her a quote for the signs and say this will be the cost, please let me know if you want to go ahead and decline the evening invite!

If you've already paid for the hen do is it refundable? I wouldn't bother now, she sounds like a massive user.

Yes basically and this is how I feel. God I am so glad other people feel the same as me. I honestly felt awful after having a right rant to my husband about it over the weekend, and also awful that 4 days later I’m still so annoyed i felt the need to post about it on here!

I doubt the hen is refundable. Her sister is organising so all the money has gone to here, don’t even have the exact location for that either as that has to be a big surprise too! . I know the town and we are staying in an air b&m buts that it. No idea what type of place we are staying, what any of the activities are. I’ve only paid half so far, which is still £100 but at the same time I could just cut and run now, which I really am considering, as I also have to pay to get there myself (literally other side of the country) because they haven’t arranged any transport from where they live.

OP posts:
AlleeBee · 19/02/2024 15:40

I don't think there's a problem with being invited to the hen do and the evening reception, but I do think there's a problem with being asked to help with things for the wedding and not have an invite to the whole thing - that's definitely unreasonable.

Mind you, that aside I would have declined an invite to a wedding 200 miles away that I can't take my baby to - it's just not practical.

MCOut · 19/02/2024 15:39

YANBU Decline. Logistics alone makes it difficult to attend and I’m sorry but evening invites are just unnecessary.

Sometimes I have a problem with these DIY weddings, because often keeping the price down involves downright taking advantage of family and friends. Chances are she thought you’d excuse her rudeness for the honour of being invited to the hen.

auntyElle · 19/02/2024 15:38

Horrible for you, OP. I was invited to a hen do but not the wedding at all once. It was clearly to make up numbers for the hen. No thanks. But to have been involved in the planning and producing signs, as you have, is so much worse. You're not overreacting.

Can you get your hen do money back?

Floralnomad · 19/02/2024 15:36

I definitely wouldn’t give her any signs and I wouldn’t go to the hen do or evening reception and just write off whatever money has already been spent . Shame on her

Pegasusforme · 19/02/2024 15:36

I wouldn’t go to the hen or the reception.

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:35

FirstTimeMum887 · 19/02/2024 14:37

I'd withdraw from the hen do and not go to the wedding. She's so unreasonable, there is no way to resolve this. Keeping the date a secret? Wtf?

I know, the date thing is very strange. All I can say to explain it is she likes a big reveal and to be the centre of attention. I will probably end up getting a day invite in a months time when loads of people decline because they can’t get it off work due to such short notice 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:32

Ihatethenewlook · 19/02/2024 14:12

This is cheeky af and things like this baffle me. Surely your hens are your best friends so you’d want them at your wedding? So is she your friend or not? Going to the hen party would irritate me, but absolutely no way would I be giving her all the signs and bits she’s asked you to do as a favour for the wedding! Can you talk to her about it?

This is how I feel too. Not only that but as a said before I speak to her really regularly and I’ve actually helped her plan a lot of her wedding albeit without even knowing the venue and date lol. I kind of feel, that kind of conversation is reserved for the people you are closest too, in which case I would have thought that out of the 80 people coming to the day, that I would have been one of them, even if my husband wasn’t lol.

Knowing her like I do. I don’t think there would be much point in talking to her, as she won’t change her mind, but I will definitely have a word and let her know that I’m a bit upset about it. I don’t want to cause a huge fuss as I know from experience that planning a wedding is really stressful, so I don’t want to add to it but I do think it’s important she knows how I feel.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/02/2024 15:31

I may be in the minority, but I don't think hen do invite does equal whole day invite.

It's not convenient for you to go just for the evening, so I would decline.

The CF-ery comes in with regard to the signs. Tell her how much the materials have already cost and send her your bank details. Explain that it might be better to get the rest from someone else, as you're a bit snowed under with the kids. You didn't realise the deadline before, what with not knowing the date until now.

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:24

HaIlie · 19/02/2024 14:14

I personally think YABU. You are invited to the wedding as an evening guest. If you don't want to go to the hen don't go. I dont think you can expect a day invite just because you live far or have a baby, I dont think that's how invites work.

I wasn’t expecting an invite because I live far away or have a baby. I was expecting a day invite because I was invited to the hen do and have played a huge party in helping her plan the wedding. I thought hen do’s were supposed to be for your closest friends/family, so why wouldn’t you invite them to the wedding also? That’s what I don’t understand.

As I’ve already said, if the wedding was just immediate family and bridesmaids etc. I would understand, but it’s not, 80 people are going, neither side have huge families (which is why I am so close to her despite her being my husbands family and living so far away).

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 19/02/2024 15:10

I would only invite to the hen those if invite to the wedding and the nerve of her having you making signs, for something you’re only 2nd rung in.

I really hope you don’t go to any of it. She’s not tbf friend you think she is.

Cosyblankets · 19/02/2024 15:04

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:52

I said to my husband that she must know that us living this far away and only inviting us to the evening it’s unlikely we would come (especially with young children who can’t come too) so why invite me to the hen do. I’m wondering now if it was because she wanted the signs and to keep the costs down. That’s how I feel anyway. Shame really as despite the distance I would class her as a very good friend of mine as well as being family. I’ve known her since she was 16 years old, she’s late 20s now.

Show quote history

Is she your husband's family?
In general i don't have a problem with hen do and only evening invitation.
We got married abroad with limited numbers. I had a much bigger hen do but it was a cheapie. Not abroad or anything like that

GinaLoubie · 19/02/2024 14:55

See I'm the opposite of this, but very similar circumstances. I have a cricut and done all the signs etc for the wedding of a friend (not best friend or anything, just friend). I know how limited her numbers were and wasn't expecting an invite at all to be honest, I'm not close enough although a friend for sure. When she gave me an invite I was like ok fair enough, and was shocked when I opened it it and it was for the whole day and night with my DH. I would never have expected an invite just because I have done the stationery, they paid for the supplies but I done the rest for free. I'd have been delighted with an evening only invite. I dont see the issue. I was also invited to the 4 day abroad hen, my choice if I wanted to go or not. I went.

redalex261 · 19/02/2024 14:53

Off topic a bit, but what was the big mystery over the wedding date? (don’t go to wedding, BTW, just politely decline, explaining its too far and too much hassle arranging childcare and accommodation for what is effectively a night out).

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:52

2024theplot · 19/02/2024 14:13

I wouldn't go to the wedding with only being invited for the evening do and having to travel that far for it. I would then let the bride know that as you're not attending, she'd be better off looking for someone local to do the signs.
It's so rude to expect someone to pay for an expensive hen do and then not invite them to the wedding!

I said to my husband that she must know that us living this far away and only inviting us to the evening it’s unlikely we would come (especially with young children who can’t come too) so why invite me to the hen do. I’m wondering now if it was because she wanted the signs and to keep the costs down. That’s how I feel anyway. Shame really as despite the distance I would class her as a very good friend of mine as well as being family. I’ve known her since she was 16 years old, she’s late 20s now.

OP posts:
RatatouillePie · 19/02/2024 14:51

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:42

Well thanks everyone for the replies so far. I’m a bit emotional at the moment as my hormones are all over the place, so I wasn’t sure if i was being a bit over sensitive or not! Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is rude!

You're absolutely not being over the top!

I find it rather odd to invite someone to the hen party but not the wedding! Hen parties are supposed to be for close friends who would therefore also come to the wedding!

As it's such a long way, you have work, a baby who can't attend, and only for the evening bit, I'd just thank her for the invite, but on further consideration, it's too far to travel just for the evening, therefore you will have to decline the invite, but you hope she has a special day.

As for the signs, I certainly wouldn't be making any more! Just tell her you've got a lot on at the moment if she asks about them.

PurpleHiker · 19/02/2024 14:50

The fact that you invited her to your whole wedding day and she hasn’t reciprocated just means she doesn’t see you as a good friend. Knowing where you stand now you should decline the hen do and evening do and pull back from the friendship. I would maybe say that you’re happy to send her the signs you’ve done so far if she can reimburse for the materials and pay for postage.

Iloveacurry · 19/02/2024 14:50

Declined the invite and definitely don’t do any more signs for her!

nomchonge1 · 19/02/2024 14:49

Porfirio · 19/02/2024 14:46

'The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200.'

More fool you then.

Why on earth would you agree to that if you're not thought highly enough about to be invited to the wedding?!

You obviously didnt read her post properly.

Original poster
SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 14:49

Lemsipper · 19/02/2024 14:12

Urm are you sure this isn’t a mistake?

Yes unfortunately it’s not a mistake.

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 19/02/2024 14:46

Ahhh I’m sorry that you’re upset. But at least you know what she’s really like now.

Definitely decline. Wish her well, send a card the week before, leave it at that.

Porfirio · 19/02/2024 14:46

'The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200.'

More fool you then.

Why on earth would you agree to that if you're not thought highly enough about to be invited to the wedding?!