Page 18 | Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

SantasComingToTown · 2024-02-19T14:00:15+00:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out…. As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception. The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding). Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality. AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not. For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

LoobyDop · 19/02/2024 16:18

I’d be fine with either evening do + hen do, or hen do only, if everything was local to me and didn’t require any more organising or expense than a normal night out. But I wouldn’t travel, stay overnight, take time off work or spend a lot for either.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 16:17

Simplelobsterhat · 19/02/2024 16:13

I had people at my hen who were only invited to the evening but
A) there were only 20 people at my day, so the evening was kind of a separate party in its own right.
B) pretty much as soon as we told people we were getting married, we warned them the wedding would be tiny, so no one had false expectations
C) the hen do was a local night out, so inexpensive. The only non local people invited were people who knew and could crash with local friends or me.
D) I didn't ask any evening guests for huge wedding related favours!

She sounds really cheeky and / or thoughtless.

I would have no problem with anything you said if you were my friend!

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PossumintheHouse · 19/02/2024 16:16

Is there any minuscule chance that she’s sent you the wrong invitation? I’m guessing not, but just in case?
I’d sacrifice the 100 quid, personally. Call it a ‘finding out my friend is a fake twat’ tax.
And I’d challenge her about it. Even if she is in full-fire bridezilla mode, I’d want to hear her reasoning.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 16:15

ohdamnitjanet · 19/02/2024 15:57

Exactly. And I wouldn’t be sending anything I’d made either, let her drive hundreds of miles to collect it and see how she likes it.

Show quote history

Are you sure you’re not my husband?! 😂This is exactly what he said to me this morning, almost word for word haha 😆

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Spacecowboys · 19/02/2024 16:14

Nah! Back out and leave them to it, I'd tell them why too but I'm an arsehole 😁

🤣🤣

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 16:13

CatamaranViper · 19/02/2024 15:54

As a former wedding manager, this is a major No No.

The ONLY time you invite people on the hen do and not to the wedding are:
a) when they are invited to the hen do only as a plus one for one of your other guests (lets say you have a friend who doesn't know anyone else so you offer them the option to bring someone along)
b) when you are only having a very small wedding or a family only wedding
c) when you make it very clear to people BEFORE the hen do is planned that they aren't invited/only invited to the evening do.
d) you know that they won't be able to come to the wedding at all but they otherwise would have had an invite (ie they will be in a different country/will be at work and have no chance of taking the time off/have surgery etc).

Otherwise it comes across as if you're just trying to pad out the numbers for the hen do so you can either do an activity you otherwise couldn't (ie something with a minimum number) or like you are trying to look/feel more popular.

OP you are well within your right here to decline the invite to both the hen do and the wedding. In fact, I personally would.

Even if we look at it in a transactional way, everyone you invite on the hen do (bar the list above) should be people you are paying for at the wedding as you're expecting them to pay out for you. If you expect someone to shell out a few hundred to attend a hen do and you aren't prepared to cover the cost for them to attend your wedding, it makes you look very self centred.

I hadn’t even thought about the transactional part but you are so right! She expects me to pay £200 to celebrate her, but she isn’t willing to spend £80 on having me attend, even the cost of both me and my husband is less than what I’m paying for the hen. I’ve come to the conclusion she is just very rude!

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Simplelobsterhat · 19/02/2024 16:13

I had people at my hen who were only invited to the evening but
A) there were only 20 people at my day, so the evening was kind of a separate party in its own right.
B) pretty much as soon as we told people we were getting married, we warned them the wedding would be tiny, so no one had false expectations
C) the hen do was a local night out, so inexpensive. The only non local people invited were people who knew and could crash with local friends or me.
D) I didn't ask any evening guests for huge wedding related favours!

She sounds really cheeky and / or thoughtless.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 19/02/2024 16:11

Definitely cut your losses and lose the £100.
Don't go to the hen or the evening part of the wedding.
I have a bit of a rule about weddings, if I'm not invited to the whole day I don't need to be there at all as we're obviously not that close.
An evening invite is just to make up the numbers for the party imo.
Weddings are expensive for the guest, travel, outfits, gift, overnight stay etc.
She's taking the piss out of you, getting you to make stuff for a wedding that you're not invited to and I assume the hen party is also covering the cost of the bride too.
Nah! Back out and leave them to it, I'd tell them why too but I'm an arsehole 😁

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 16:09

HappyDaze23 · 19/02/2024 15:49

The problem with weddings is, no matter how reasonable you’re being (and imo very reasonable response to say thanks but no thanks to an evening invite) the bride is likely to have already lost her head in the wedding planning process and will likely react unreasonably!

Personally, I’d go to hen-do and enjoy it at face value, your opportunity to celebrate an upcoming wedding of a friend. Then I’d decline the wedding itself as the evening is really neither here nor there, and politely decline to make the signs as it would be difficult for you to get them to her if you’re not part of the day.

Yes exactly, I’ve been there and I know she will be stressing about it so I don’t want to add to her stress by causing a fuss.

Thanks for your advice, I have to be honest, I am undecided on the hen do at the minute, but the evening invite just isn’t going to work for us unfortunately. I’ll see how she reacts to us declining that first and if she is unreasonable then I’ll decline the hen as well!

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Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 16:06

NotARealWookiie · 19/02/2024 15:43

She didn’t tell anyone the date or venue because she knew she is breaking etiquette by asking you to do all of these things but not inviting you and she didn’t want people making plans/booking accommodation.

It doe seem you are completely correct with your assumption here!

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CultOfTheAirFryer · 19/02/2024 15:59

I would cut my losses and lose the £100, rather than throw more time and money at someone who doesn’t value your friendship as much as you thought they did.

ohdamnitjanet · 19/02/2024 15:57

Ariona · 19/02/2024 14:04

Yanbu, I would decline and pull out of the hen do too. She's happy to use you for doing wedding work and not even invite you to the whole day! Cheek of her.

Exactly. And I wouldn’t be sending anything I’d made either, let her drive hundreds of miles to collect it and see how she likes it.

CatamaranViper · 19/02/2024 15:54

As a former wedding manager, this is a major No No.

The ONLY time you invite people on the hen do and not to the wedding are:
a) when they are invited to the hen do only as a plus one for one of your other guests (lets say you have a friend who doesn't know anyone else so you offer them the option to bring someone along)
b) when you are only having a very small wedding or a family only wedding
c) when you make it very clear to people BEFORE the hen do is planned that they aren't invited/only invited to the evening do.
d) you know that they won't be able to come to the wedding at all but they otherwise would have had an invite (ie they will be in a different country/will be at work and have no chance of taking the time off/have surgery etc).

Otherwise it comes across as if you're just trying to pad out the numbers for the hen do so you can either do an activity you otherwise couldn't (ie something with a minimum number) or like you are trying to look/feel more popular.

OP you are well within your right here to decline the invite to both the hen do and the wedding. In fact, I personally would.

Even if we look at it in a transactional way, everyone you invite on the hen do (bar the list above) should be people you are paying for at the wedding as you're expecting them to pay out for you. If you expect someone to shell out a few hundred to attend a hen do and you aren't prepared to cover the cost for them to attend your wedding, it makes you look very self centred.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:54

redalex261 · 19/02/2024 14:53

Off topic a bit, but what was the big mystery over the wedding date? (don’t go to wedding, BTW, just politely decline, explaining its too far and too much hassle arranging childcare and accommodation for what is effectively a night out).

In all honesty I have no idea 😂, she’s the first person I have ever known to not tell people the wedding date. Even her nanny wasn’t told (was literally parents, sister and bridesmaid). She does love a big reveal and loves being centre of attention. She has a Instagram with a couple of thousand followers so I think she wanted to make a big announcement on there. I’m honestly just clutching at straws here, she’s never explained it to me lol.

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coxesorangepippin · 19/02/2024 15:53

Don't go

You're just making up the numbers

auntyElle · 19/02/2024 15:52

Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2024 15:49

Send the rsvp soon declining.
And then another one when the inevitable "people who received full day invitations have dropped out, so as a second thought, you're invited all day" one arrives.

That's a good point about the possibility of an upgrade. I was eventually offered a wedding invitation when numbers allowed. I didn't want to go, and it all felt a bit grubby by then.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:51

Porfirio · 19/02/2024 14:46

'The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200.'

More fool you then.

Why on earth would you agree to that if you're not thought highly enough about to be invited to the wedding?!

Because I didn’t realise at the time the hen do was booked, I wasn’t invited to the wedding….

She came to my hen do and wedding, we are very close (or so I thought), I’ve been helping her plan the wedding from the start and she asked me to make her some wedding stationary. I had no reason to think I wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. If I had of known, I may have felt different about it, but it’s been booked for over a year now and she only send the invites out last week.

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Thedance · 19/02/2024 15:49

I would decline. Presumably you would need to get childcare and an overnight stay which would add to the cost.

HappyDaze23 · 19/02/2024 15:49

The problem with weddings is, no matter how reasonable you’re being (and imo very reasonable response to say thanks but no thanks to an evening invite) the bride is likely to have already lost her head in the wedding planning process and will likely react unreasonably!

Personally, I’d go to hen-do and enjoy it at face value, your opportunity to celebrate an upcoming wedding of a friend. Then I’d decline the wedding itself as the evening is really neither here nor there, and politely decline to make the signs as it would be difficult for you to get them to her if you’re not part of the day.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2024 15:49

Send the rsvp soon declining.
And then another one when the inevitable "people who received full day invitations have dropped out, so as a second thought, you're invited all day" one arrives.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:47

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 19/02/2024 14:41

I wouldn't go to the evening do. What a load of faff. The hen do, depends if I fancied it or not. I've been invited to hen do + evening do but bride was upfront, put me up in her in-laws house so I didn't have to pay for hotel for the reception etc. I didn't really mind as she was a work colleague at the end of the day so I understood why I wasn't prioritised. And I fancied the hen do as it was in York and had some fun activities planned!

I think for me, it’s the not being up front that has annoyed me. We went down to see her last year (well after wedding and hen had been booked) and all we talked about was wedding plans, her saying she couldn’t wait for me to see her dress on the day and that I would love the venue as it was my kind of place. If she had of said at that point, at least I would have been aware, but I feel like I’ve been strung along and then let down at the last minute.

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MaggieFS · 19/02/2024 15:45

That's so rude.

I would pull out of the hen. If you have to pay another £100 to cover committed costs then there won't be able to be any nasty backchat on you dropping others in it. But definitely bill her for the signs before you buy the materials, if you still do them. And you'll save on meals, transport etc.

auntyElle · 19/02/2024 15:45

I would willingly pay £100 not to go to that hen. I bet it will be awkward and packed with drama. All the secrecy on top of her using you for your skills and experience. No way.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 19/02/2024 15:44

Allthewallsarewhite · 19/02/2024 14:41

Not unreasonable at all. I was invited to a hen do which required me to travel and pay money for activities I had no interest in, but I wasn't even invited to the wedding at all, neither day nor evening.
This was on the back of a baby shower a 2 hour drive away where I turned up with lots of presents and everyone else apparently just put a fiver in to get a joint present, but forgot to tell me about that. She thanked me and said how she really valued my friendship but then somehow she then sat me on a table by myself rather than with the main group and didn't speak to me for the rest of the event.

So with this still in the back of my mind I felt the missing wedding invite was no mistake and it would be no surprise to anyone I passed on the hen do and funnily enough I've not heard from this "friend" since. She hasn't taken kindly to me not coming it seems.

You poor thing! I’m genuinely really sorry to hear that happened to you. Some people are such assholes!

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NotARealWookiie · 19/02/2024 15:43

She didn’t tell anyone the date or venue because she knew she is breaking etiquette by asking you to do all of these things but not inviting you and she didn’t want people making plans/booking accommodation.