Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

How awful.

I know how you feel, though. I've just attended a family wedding in Asia. Based on how we were included in things going on, we were invited to make up numbers. It cost £8,500 for 3 of us and as a self employed person, I lost around £10k in earnings. Would I do it again? No.

My DCs have even said, their relatives are not being invited to their weddings when they get married because of how we were treated.

Thankfully we did a packed 2 week tour before spending (for us a pretty boring) 10-days on a beach resort, so the holiday was OK.

She sees you as fun, around for the reception and hen do. The fun stuff!

If you do go it would be a shame if you “forgot” to bring the bits and pieces with you. Just say you had left them at home with your shoes/ dress/ makeup whatever. But you had spares in another bag, obviously.

Not sure I'd be talking to her regularly again after her behaviour. Or ever again really. Put her into a new group of friends I like to call "friends-but-not-real-friends" Are you still talking to her regularly now? Isn't it a bit like there is an Elephant in the room?

I had a similar experience last year.
Good friend. Only invited to the evening.
I paid for a hotel room in London, paid for the events (3 of inc. the Alcatraz immersive experience, travel etc. so probably paid similar to yourself. I wrote out her place cards too. Had a great time although I was dehydrated for 5 days following (🤮) I didn't mind not going to the day though as I was just happy for them.

I had a similar sitch a few yrs ago.
I was invited to a weekend hen do, hundreds of miles from where I lived (they lived Cornwall, I lived Hampshire, hen do north Devon), went to hen do that cost me hundreds.
wedding invite came, only invited to evening. I lived 250 miles away.
I really wanted to go but in the end I couldn’t, for financial reasons. I needed somewhere to stay for 2 nights, plus driving around and food etc, to be invited to the evening.
I pulled out, told my friend, and never heard from her again. This was 6 years ago. I lost a friend in the end :-(

I'd be livid. Except I hate going to weddings. And I wouldn't go to any wedding, unless the people were important enough to take emotional delight in seeing them make their vows.

You need to break this down.

Will you enjoy the hen do event? You probably have other friends there. Or do you want to pull out? And if so, how much financial loss will you experience?

How much are the wedding signs costing you? Is that your wedding gift? Because if not already, it should be.

Will your husband and you actually enjoy going to the evening event as a couples night? You've bypassed all the waiting around, photos, speeches. Can it be a background for a great couples night?

I'd be pissed off. Because if the bride asks you to go beyond and extra - it's either because you have a special friendship or because she's exploiting you.

I'd work out whether you and your husband would have fun or not.

If not, pull out.

But life lesson learned - don't volunteer your commercial skills without understanding what is being asked of you. Invite bride to a consultation meeting, so she understands the work and effort involved, and how it fits in with your other work commitments. Like, make sure people know what is being asked of you - and damn well make sure it's valued.

I have a similar but opposite situation - I’m invited to a wedding abroad (next year) but none of the hen dos (3), one of which is abroad. I’m undecided whether to attend.

I think my cat might have peed on the ones that have already been made 😁

I've stupidly been there and would never do it again.

I remember turning up to the evening reception (a few hours and a hotel away) and the Bride's relative, who i had met at the hen party, greeted me with a puzzled, 'Have you only just arrived?' Um, yes, i was only invited for the evening!

Another friend fell out with the Bride over the whole thing.

Funnily enough i was talking to the Bride a few weeks ago and the day happened to pop up in conversation and she did mention that she should have probably handled the invitations better.

I think your case is especially cheeky with all the help you've given the Bride.

I once went to a wedding evening invite I had to travel for, I wouldn’t do it again. By the time we got there the day guests were half drunk or about ready to go home as they had been there all day. And the best bits of the celebration all over. The bride looked slightly disheveled and was walking around with no shoes. We didn’t really speak to the couple anyway. Lesson learned and I would only go to a wedding evening if it is a convenient easy evening out from home now.

Don't go to either. Make excuse

this is appalling

You now know she is taking the piss and using you for making the signs. You will not see her for dust after the wedding and she has shown she doesn’t think much of you despite you inviting her to your wedding day. So I would just cut my losses in advance now. Go to the hen do ONLY if it’s going to be fun for YOU. Don’t buy her any drinks or get rail-roaded into spending another penny though. Decline the sign making and the evening wedding invite AFTER the hen do if you decide to go. Else cut your (£100) loss and all ties with this waste of time loser! You should tell her why you decline though so it’s crystal clear she is a COMPLETE TWAT as I often find these types continue to think they did nothing wrong otherwise and will happily slag you off afterwards.

You get to go to both parties and you don't have to do the shite in-between.

Perfect

Withdraw from the hen do.
Don't make her wedding bits and pieces.
Decline the evening invitation.

Then she might get the message that she's plainly rude. Just possibly.

Literally can't get over the cheek of her!
Just wow
I would be politely declining both hen and eve invite. Use your baby as the reason, not settling at night etc.
She is very rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Save your annual leave for someone/something worthwhile! Eve dos are boring anyway imo.

That is just plain wierd, but not worth you & DH both taking a days annual leave or arranging childcare. Just say you can’t justify it for the evening reception & let me of the all day guests sort out the wedding decor too.

Decline, why spend £200 on dicking about at her hen do if you feel this way? Bin it if it doesn’t sit right

Thank you for saying what I was thinking. People who think it's cool to invite lots of people to their hen do, only do so because they want people to look and think, "Oh, she must be really popular to have so many come out for her hen do!".

I feel as many others feel; if you aren't close enough to be invited to the wedding, then you really aren't close enough to spend your $$$ showing up for the bride's popularity party masquerading as a hen do.

People try to use other people all the time. Decide if you enjoy being used and behave accordingly.

Edited to add: If it's just a night out and no more expensive (as it would be if chipping in for limo, buying all the bride's drinks, buying banners., etc.), then going is a matter of personal taste and more to have fun than anything else. Unless I really liked the bride or had a lot of friends going, I still would not go, but YMMV.

I think that’s different, if the cost (both in terms of time and money) is no different to a regular night out then I don’t think it’s a big deal to only be invited to the evening

But when there is an expectation to pay lots of money and have at least one night overnight stay it is a bit of a slap on the face to say “please spend lots to come to my hen, but I am not going to pay lots to buy you a dinner at my wedding”. That’s what makes you a CF bride and makes it perfectly ok to say no to the invite

I go to events I am invited to and ignore what I am not, so not bothered in 'well i am invited to this bit but not this' thing, so I either go or not based on whether I want to or not

This sounds too complicated to me so I would politely decline in this case

Yes I would feel the same way too PUT OUT is putting it mildly she is a cheeky bitch don’t get her a present …that will speak volumes don’t go don’t reply job done

Agree with this - if it's a local big night out and everyone knows the wedding will be more of a family do then it's fine.

If the hen is a weekend away for a small select group, then it's not fine not to invite everyone.

I have attended hens dos and not weddings. But that's been mostly for work friends and just a local night out. Not very different to our regular work nights out.

It was also clear we weren't all attending the wedding.