Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

Only once did I go to a hen do where I hadn’t been invited to the wedding.

It was a bit last minute though. She was more a friend of a friend so initially I was invited to a Saturday night meal out in town thing with lots of people who weren’t going to the wedding.

Then on the night she said would I like to come to the spa with them the next day, it was about an hours drive away in an old Manor House.

That was a much smaller group and it cost fair bit of money. I think someone dropped out at the last minute and the bride did it to be nice as we did get on ok.

Even so, it was a bit uncomfortable for me as I only really knew my friend. And the following weekend I looked after my friend’s shop for her whilst she was at the wedding.

Soon after a work friend asked me to go to her hen do, a clubbing weekend in Manchester. I knew at that point I wasn’t invited to the wedding. So I just said to her “from previous experience I make it a rule not to go to a hen night when I’m not invited to the wedding as it just gets a bit awkward”.

She was fine with it, and later when the she did invite me she o the wedding. She handled it well, and said it was because when the initial invites went out we were a new friendship and now we knew one another better, it was more appropriate to ask now she knew she had space.

So I suppose my advice is to be open with me our friend that this makes you uncomfortable. If she’s a real friend she will understand and adjust/make amends. If she isn’t, well her loss.

An evening invitation is fine if you’re a work colleague and you live round the corner, but you’re (supposedly) a close friend and have to do a 6 hour trip on a week day for what is basically a disco. I would RSVP a ‘Can’t make it but hope you have a lovely day’ now. I’d also message the chief bridesmaid and say, ‘Sorry, can’t make the hen do but hope you have a lovely time. Is it possible to get my deposit back?’ And I would say absolutely nothing about the signs - don’t mention them at all - and if she comes to you say ‘Hi Mary, no problem. Send me the materials and I’ll get started. The whole lot should come to around £500. Here’s my bank details’.

i would charge her £100 for what you have made (your hen do deposit returned), and let her know when she can collect them. Once that is done, I would advise her that I wasn’t going to any events.

I mean this overall but I don't get this people are invited to this bit, but we are asking others to come to this other bit

Why? Is it meant to be a privilege?

she was originally going to come up to me and make them with me as a pre wedding craft session type thing, but said she couldn’t get the time off work because she’s used her holiday for wedding and hen do, which I understood at the time.

Yes I have had friends like this, a plan to do stuff together that always magically turned into me looking after her kids.

Funny how something that was sold to you as a fun day together is no longer possible, but you're still expected to do the work. Nope.

Decline the wedding invite, far too much hassle for an evening event if you have a baby, work etc to juggle.

Just curious….Are there any other family members who have only been invited to the evening do?

I would not want to go to the hen or the evening & send her a link to Etsy for the items she was expecting you to make.

Nope - wouldn't go to anything. You're merely part of the Rent A Crowd.
She's a cheeky mare.

It's fairly simple with weddings. You invite those who you feel close to you. All the wedding not just the evening. People who are invited to to the evening only aren't those who you are close to.. Hen party you might invite more as you aren't paying for them.

Asking you to do things is just taking the piss. Sometimes people on Mumsnet make all sorts of extravagant excuses up for this behaviour but it comes down to she doesn't value you other than what you can do for her.

When I got married 40 years ago it was common to have evening and daytime invitations. Daytime was close family and friends. Evening was work colleagues, friends of parents, old school friends etc , who could bring a present or not. It was just a nice night out for them..A close friend would never have been evening only especially so far away.

I wouldn't go to the hen do..Even if I lost the money. I certainly wouldn't go to the wedding. She is no friend.

As many responses say, just decline. Do not worry about offending her because her behaviour is offensive: secrecy about details FFS, expensive hen do, baby-free. She’s acting like a spoiled brat.

She is very strange and incredibly rude, but personally I'd be DELIGHTED to not have to attend the whole day as well as a hen weekend. Even more so if the bride had given me a good reason to decline, ie the ridiculous distance for just an evening party, being a CF about the signs and helping her to plan stuff. But then I'm an unsociable old moo who just doesn't find other people's weddings (and particularly big reveals and drama) any fun!

I might also be the only person in the country to have had a Girly Night In (pizza and games) for my hen do. It cost me umder £50 and the attendees just a bit of petrol money.

Cut and run
Advise her you can't make it anymore and if she wants the bits you've already made she'll need to travel up to visit you to get them (she won't)

Any chance you’re not invited as you have a baby and its a child-free wedding?

I would decline especially due to the sacrifices needed..no baby. 200miles..work day. Even if i had been invited to the wedding / all day no thanks.
Who plans a wedsing for a week day.

My DC got married when DS was 11 months old and wedding was a 3.5 hour drive away no babies. I declined even though it was family. Sorry.

This

I hope you cab recoup some of your money

I wouldn't spend anymore by going- there'll be drinks, taxis, food etc once there

.

👌🏽

This is one of those occaisions where I would be totally SELFISH.
They have not considered you, or your feelings.
Forget ' Niceties'. and ask yourself if you fancy this jaunt?????? Will I have fun..????? Do I want to see this lovely couple ( tie knot)
If I was you ( and if you feel upset) I would say out loud " I really wanted to see the ceremony".
( Perhaps you would prefer seeing your friends at ceremony rather than leave out your baby at the party?)

How will it go down with the family if you say no to the signs now?

Decline ,and don't make signs or attend hen.

I would only go to an evening-only invite around the corner. If they don't see you as that close a friend, I wouldn't be too concerned if it was the beginning of the end of the friendship.

When I got married I decided everyone was coming to everything. In the end we didn't have an evening do but for me, I want to see the marriage. I don't want to go to the evening do.

How I dealt with this would depend on what I want to happen in the future. If this is a deal breaker and end of friendship I would stop worrying about her stress as she isn't worrying about you at all and I'd call or message and say you are withdrawing from the hen, you aren't making the signs for her and it is clearly an upsetting situation and for you unacceptable treatment. You wish her well but this is not the way to treat anyone, never mind family.

If you don't want to go to the hen then don't. Better to lose £100 than spend double and feel awkward as everyone else discusses the oh so important wedding. If you do go don't be shy about saying oh, I'm not invited if anyone asks you what you're wearing, are you looking forward to it etc.

She's not invited to the reception.
She doesn't see her as fun, more like someone to do some of the tasks for free.

“Hi hun,

Just to let you know I’ve done some sums with regards attending the wedding and have figured it’s going to cost us both 2 days annual leave, the cost of a night in a hotel, in addition to fuel, meals, drinks and childcare in order to be able to attend, and unfortunately I just can’t make the figures stack up with only attending for a few hours in the evening, I really hope you’ll understand that we’re unfortunately going to have to decline your very kind invite.

If you want me to get cracking on those signs then let me know if it’s easier for me to source materials this end, and I can let you know the costs of those and a courier to get them to you, so that you can transfer it over.

[Add in section about hen do if still planning to attend, or if cancelling that too].

I’m sure it’s going to be a fabulous day and night and I hope everything runs smoothly for you both.

Lots of love,

Santa + Dave x

Hi OP I was just going to say it's not the first time I've heard about this kind of thing at a wedding and sadly I don't think it will be the last. Weddings can do very strange things to people's minds. From my own experience, I had three bridesmaids from my past from school and I got them everything for the wedding, paid for their dresses and everything else. Hen night was the night before the wedding. I paid for our drinks etc. Bearing in mind I had known them for so long etc, two of the three came without anything for my husband and I not even a card. Third one brought a sweet book for us but had at least thought about us! Didn't see two out of the three of them again. Was very upset about the whole thing to be honest and wish I'd never had bridesmaids. Then last year a friend, well someone who I thought was a close friend, invited me to the evening reception only of their wedding when they had a guest list of 160 or so. So I think I've in all of these cases presumed that friendships generally meant more than they had to the other person. So it's upsetting and I keep to myself a lot more these days which isn't the answer but just trying to explain you are not alone!!

Your being used. Your invited to the bits that don't cost them anything shows you what your true worth is to them.make polite excuses- can't leave the baby etc and opt out for your own self respect