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Original poster

Tell the wife?

68 replies

kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 11:30

About a year and a half ago I caught a male friend of mine cheating. I called him out on it and got the usual excuses of 'my wife and I don't have sex' 'my wife doesn't love me' etc etc. Had a long chat with him and he said he would end the affair. I didn't tell his wife at the time as I didn't really want to get involved and he assured me it would stop. I don't really know his wife, it's him I'm friends with.
Anyway I have just discovered he is still at it but with other women!! At least 2. And now I feel awful for his wife and wish I had told her when I found out about the first time.
Now I think she should know but how to go about it? I thought about writing a letter so it remains anonymous?
What do you think? Or should I just leave it while knowing he is being a piece of sh** and she has no idea while raising their 2DC.
I feel angry and disgusted by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 12:08

@rosesareorange this is what I think I will do too. While yes it is none of my business in a way I'd be very upset if I found out my DH was doing this and people knew

OP posts:
Original poster
kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 12:07

@C1N1C while I kind of get what you're saying I just want to make the point that he did not confide in me, it wasn't a secret he told me. I literally caught him the first time with the woman and he then confessed it had been going on for months.
This time the only reason I found out was because he was showing me and someone else pictures on his phone and messages popped up. Other friend didn't seem to notice but I did and when I asked him after he admitted it

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 18/02/2024 12:04

C1N1C · 18/02/2024 11:57

Loyalty vs morality.

You're a sh!t friend for even considering it, but a good person.

I'm erring on no... because honestly, how can anyone take the moral high ground when you'd expect your friends to keep quiet. You tell your friend something private about your husband, should your frisnd tell him? You forget to pay for something in the supermarket, tell your friend, should they run to Tesco to dob you in?

If I knew my friend wouldn't keep my secrets, I wouldn't have them as a friend.

There’s a massive difference between keeping schtum when your mate forgets to pay for his avocado in Tesco, and when he’s shagging multiple women behind his wife’s back.
The fact you wouldn’t want me as a friend would be totally fine with me. I don’t care to hang around with morally bankrupt arseholes.

rosesareorange · 18/02/2024 12:04

I think you absolutely should tell
her and bin the friendship with him.
I was mates with a serial cheater and when she came to visit us for a dirty weekend with her married man (we found out later he was married) I broke off the friendship.

Wouldyouguess · 18/02/2024 12:03

kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 11:38

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yeah that's what I was struggling with. For all I know maybe she does know and is ok with it? Although from what he said I don't think so.
Maybe I will just distant myself from him. We were supposed to have a couples meet up next month but think I will make an excuse not to go; think I would feel guilty seeing them together knowing what I do

If she knows then she will not mind, if she doesnt, she can have a choice to kick out the bastard.

Wouldyouguess · 18/02/2024 12:02

Id prefer to know, I never udnerstadn the 'stay out of it', it's so hypocritical, I presume lots of cheaters here who would also prefer their friends to pipe down so they can continue to sleep around.

C1N1C · 18/02/2024 11:57

Loyalty vs morality.

You're a sh!t friend for even considering it, but a good person.

I'm erring on no... because honestly, how can anyone take the moral high ground when you'd expect your friends to keep quiet. You tell your friend something private about your husband, should your frisnd tell him? You forget to pay for something in the supermarket, tell your friend, should they run to Tesco to dob you in?

If I knew my friend wouldn't keep my secrets, I wouldn't have them as a friend.

PossumintheHouse · 18/02/2024 11:43

What the fuck is going on with these replies?!

Tell her. I wouldn’t even do it anonymously. He’s a shit bag and I wouldn’t want to be friends with him any longer.

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 11:43

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/02/2024 11:33

Anonymous letters are for cowards and writers of them deserve zero respect.

I think you should stay out of it, you are not friends with his wife and their marriage is their business but I wouldn't carry on being friends with him either, he's a louse.

Well said 👏👏👏

shielder · 18/02/2024 11:42

sorry

often people know/suspect but don’t want to confront it or turn & blind eye & then many forgive anyway & the “messenger” is the reminder of a bad period that they would rather forget.

shielder · 18/02/2024 11:41

I would hate it my H was cheating and people knew and didn't tell me

Everyone says this but often

shielder · 18/02/2024 11:40

Stay out of it

Original poster
kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 11:39

@CassandraWebb this is what I thought but the rest of the replies suggest I should just leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaymc3 · 18/02/2024 11:38

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yeah that's what I was struggling with. For all I know maybe she does know and is ok with it? Although from what he said I don't think so.
Maybe I will just distant myself from him. We were supposed to have a couples meet up next month but think I will make an excuse not to go; think I would feel guilty seeing them together knowing what I do

OP posts:
CassandraWebb · 18/02/2024 11:36

Tell her. But not anonymously, that would be cruel.

I would hate it my H was cheating and people knew and didn't tell me

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2024 11:36

Mind your own business

araiwa · 18/02/2024 11:34

Who needs enemies with friends like you

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/02/2024 11:33

Anonymous letters are for cowards and writers of them deserve zero respect.

I think you should stay out of it, you are not friends with his wife and their marriage is their business but I wouldn't carry on being friends with him either, he's a louse.