Tell the wife?

A male friend of mine had an affair, I didn’t know. His wife was devastated, she actually told me. She is now a good friend and I have nothing more to do with him. I mean we were friendly before as couples but I had spent lot of time with male friend as we lift shared for years and he was my mate.

I would tell her face to face or by phone.

wtf are these comments?
obviously you tell her?… what is wrong with people…

People say "I would want to know" but not everybody does in reality.

She may well have an idea, especially as he seems to be making a habit of it, and she may be choosing to turn a blind eye as she doesn't want to create upheaval for the children, and is busy creating a LTB fund in the meantime.

As you don't really know her, I would stay out of it, but I would not continue the friendship with him.

Tell her. The wife is often the last to know. It just adds to the trauma finding out that other people knew about it long before she did.

Maybe an Anon email so she can afk more quesuons if she wants.

Also make it clear you don't know her just him (if the main concern about doing it anon is wondering who is laughing at you)

You could be someone he works with for example.

I Roth's prefer to know (with evidence) than not know and I'd not be paranoid about who sent it.

How about this scnario @5128gap - the wife could find now and leave and maybe find a better partner. Or unknowingly stay with the bastard, find out 10 years later having lost so many good years on him, and THEN commit suicide.
Dont project one situation of some guy who unfortunately killed himself to everyone, most don't.

@SweetBirdsong I found a friend was cheating by seeing the guy with his new fling in a cinema (I pikced an off-peak time to have more room, well, so did he thinking there is less chance of running into someone, ooops)- I was not invested in his life but knew of it, you really dont have to fancy someone to know certain details and if you can read and re-read OPs posts, yu will find out she too found out by accident.

This.

It's not like you have a friendship with her to put at risk.

I’d stay right out of it.

Stay out of it. They may have a don’t ask don’t tell type of arrangement.

Keep your neb out.

I find it bizarre that you know so much about this male friend's life tbh @kaymc3 Do you fancy him yourself? You seem awfully invested in his life.

Genuinely don't understand the issue in this situation. Of course you tell her!

I mean the risk of telling people in person is that you may get a rejection and lose the friendship.

You say you aren't friends with this woman. You are disgusted by him, so end of that friendship too. So no downside of telling her really 🤷.

He's been putting her sexual health at risk for years. She's been living in a sham of a marriage and he has had zero consequences for years of multiple affairs.

Yes, please tell her. I'd want to know if my 25 year relationship was built on lies. She can start over with the man she deserves.

You need to step away from this friendship. It isn't healthy for you. Its very typical of this type of man to have a female best friend, and you will have unknowingly been playing your role in propping up his ego just as his OW have, with the attention and 'long chats'. The very best thing you can do is withdraw your time, attention and headspace from this man, and embroiling yourself further in his drama with anonymous notes won't help.
As for the principle of his wife knowing, yes, she should know. But not from a stranger who has no idea of how it will land, her mental health, her support network and who will basically drop and run with no idea how she will cope in the aftermath. I knew a young man who tried to take his own life after an anonymous stranger decides to 'do the right thing' and disclose cheating, with no knowledge of his mental state at the time.

Stay out of it

You are not friends with his wife so it harms you not to lose her friendship should she be already be aware of the situation.
To lose his friendship would not be a loss either.

You have to live with yourself so I would tell her.
The fall out will be as it will be.

You are just the messenger, remember, and what is happening is happening already and perhaps she doesn't know and would want to know..

Yes you should tell her. She will find out eventually and be humiliated and angry that other people knew.

It really doesn't matter how you tell her, anonymously or not. So long as she gets that information and can make a better life for herself.

I'd bow out of next meeting I couldn't play Happy couples chums . I wouldn't be giving a made up excuse either . If your friend's DW then asks you why I'd tell them then. If they have a suspision and want to know they'll ask . If not maybe they don't want to know .

As much as I'd want to know an anonymous letter would be distressing to read. I'd always be wondering who sent it and what their motives were. I'd be paranoid that everyone knew were laughing at me.

I think it's in your best interest to drop the friend and stay out of it.

In my judgment and everyone is different - you have already let a year pass so the vicitm may not appreciate it

Another point, I'd seen a few women in my office who always ranted about, cutting off their OH's ?? or kick them out straight away when they were talking about another friend cheating OH. However, come the time when they found out, most had a breakdown or as good as and time off work - a couple said they wished they never found out.

I fear that some may even say you are lying and my loving OH would never do that

It's difficult. Importantly, you did not do the right thing and grass him up there and then

Men and women who have been made fools of like this often feel seriously deceived. Its th nasty deceit that gets the victim down

Only you can decide what to do next but I feel for the wife - she may find out via STI - who knows. Its your call

Who needs friends like him, more like. Sounds like he has the morals of an alley cat.

That said, the OP really doesn't know the whole story so saying nothing to her and bailing out of that friendship is the best way to go. IMO.

He is putting her in danger of STIs, which can kill. Tell her, but not anonymously.

If you are going to tell her then you need to woman up and own it.

Anonymous letters are shit and what would you do when he told you about it? Just look at him wide-eyed and innocent?

Whether you tell her or not is up to you but DON'T do it anonymously. She'll be questioning every single person in her life. It will drive her insane.

His behaviour is terrible but like I don't see what it's got to do with you to tell his wife. Maybe it is true and they do literally never have sex and have a whole heap of relationship problems that neither of them are addressing. Maybe she knows deep down but would prefer to not rock the boat. Maybe she's oblivious who knows It's shit of him but it's quite frankly none of your business and you will explode her life.
I would be upset if my close friends knew my OH was cheating and didn't tell me but I wouldn't want or take kindly to a random stranger telling me because all they would be doing is absolving themselves of the guilt of knowing and wouldn't be there picking up the peices of my broken life for me.

If you feel disgusted by him then end the friendship but stay out of his relationship