DP wants more money

@Itsnotbeeneasy

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

This is a dealbreaker for me, maybe it should be for you? If he 'drinks more than you desire' chances are that's because there is some effect of his drinking you don't like. Loses his temper? Passes out so you end up 'doing it all' for his kids as well as yours? Leaves you with all the kids so he can go drinking with his mate? If he drinks to excess in front of the kids, the optics aren't so great, either.

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Unless your name is on 'everything' or you have Power of Attorney, then that's bullshit. As others have said, if he dies without a will everything goes to his minor children and probably with their mother as trustee. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Having his ex-wife in charge of whether or not you can stay in the house?

As far as pulling some random figure out of thin air for your monthly contribution, you know he's hoping that you'll continue to 'overcompensate' your share. I'd offer something ridiculously low and tell him you're 'happy with that' because you need to save for your and your DCs future needs. Then when he balks at it, tell him that if he wants you to pay more, he'll need to show you proof of why you should pay more than you're 'happy with'.

What a wanker. BTW, do you feel the 'home duties' are split fairly? Do you find yourself being unpaid childcare for his children so he or his exW don't have to arrange paid childcare? Or so he can sit back and do nothing for his own children?

You need to think about what you're really getting out of this relationship.

The law hasn't changed Barney60. An unmarried partner whose name isn't on the mortgage might be able to build up an equitable interest in the house for at least some share. However, there are certain things that must be in place to enable this and even if this means that someone is able to file a legal claim with a court, the claim might not succeed leaving them nothing and on the hook for legal costs, or the amount eventually secured could be lower than the legal costs.

https://www.silkfamilylaw.co.uk/blog/weve-just-separated-and-are-not-married-but-our-house-is-in-my-ex-partners-name-do-i-have-any-rights/

Leave op

You can probably find out things like: council tax (this is banded depending on house value), approx gas/water and electricity - just by knowing what supplier etc and then googling for averages based on the property size? 150k equity is not much in my view- so assuming the property is mortgaged up to the balls - is your partner trying to indicate that he'd ideally like to buy something cheaper? Also you haven't said when the mortgage renewal has/will take place, if for example that happened last year, you guys might be paying 6% interest- or some other daft figure? I'd say to him that I want to see paper copies of everything - not for you to keep obviously- to work out an equitable split. You don't have any claim to his property unless you are married.

Like FUCK would I be shagging someone and paying them "rent" for the privilege whilst having less say and rights over my living situation than any random tenant.
I have been thrown out by a partner with just a bin bag of clothes and my child as a result of him going into a rage of unfounded jealousy. I ended up in a refuge. At least he had politely refused my offers of financial contribution otherwise he'd be even more of a cunt.

I have my own house now and I would never charge any "rent" if I was to co-habit with someone. Halving the utilities and food would do (that's the only legally and morally correct way to go about it).

OP, give him the new figure - your usual payment minus the mortgage contribution.

Movinghouseatlast.
This isn't true in any way. Unless you are married or on the deeds or mortgage you have no interest in a property at all. Many women have been caught out believing this. Even after many years of cohabitation they can be out on their ear.

Oh have the laws changed then do you know?
Someone i know moved into his girlfriends house after 3.5 years they split he left went to a solicitor she had to pay him off as he proved he'd paid towards her mortgage and household bills, it was about 25 years ago though.
She told me this herself had to re-mortgage to pay him £8,000. Although i suspect the lawyers will of fought to take a hefty fee, no one ever gets rich bar solicitors in these situations.

@Barney16 no need to pay a solicitor for that. She'd be out.she has as many right to the boyfriends property as you or I do.

You’re being taken for an absolute mug.

He is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so until you stop him. You need a copy of each bill including the mortgage to work out what is half of the bills. I'm not legal but would suggest you ring a family solicitor for advice about the house and what would happen if he dies. The first 15 minutes is free. Stop buying big stuff and put every penny you can into a high interest saving account. And don't tell him how much you get paid. If he isn't open about finances why should you be.

Oh joy, yet another woman subsidising and supporting a man with household chores and child support without any protection!

He has been ripping you off. You have zilch at the end of the relationship or if he dies. Great for him that he had enough money to buy another property.

I guess all the bills are solely in his name.

Time to get your ducks in row ….. ASAP

This isn't true in any way. Unless you are married or on the deeds or mortgage you have no interest in a property at all. Many women have been caught out believing this. Even after many years of cohabitation they can be out on their ear.

This is a fallacy- she is not entitled to any share of the house unless she is named on the mortgage or on the deeds or married. Unmarried women in relationships have no rights over property they don't legally own.

You aren't entitled to anything. You don't even have lodgers rights. If he dies you'll get nothing. If he decided to throw you out then you have no rights.

I think he's being entirely unreasonable if you ate paying more monthly to the mortgage and utilities than him. He's not being transparent about the costs for a reason yet your being transparent about your earning.

Personally, I'd be looking at finding alternative accommodation and taking my sofa with me.

My perspective is that all bills plus the interest payment of the mortgage should be split based on a fair agreement such as a percentage share dependent on take home salary.

The repayment of the mortgage is essentially his savings, and if you split he will keep it all and you’ll be high and dry.

I would suggest he pays the repayment part while you pay an equal amount into a savings account. Then you can either save for your own rental place if you wish, or with a view to eventually buying together or paying it into his mortgage if your name goes on the house.

This way, if you stay together.. great, you both have savings/equity to pursue your life together. If you split.. you both have paid fair living expenses while both having the opportunity to save

I think this is a steady and reasonable approach. There are already red flags but how he responds to this will tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.

How much are you paying him?

I would be paying around £500 a month to him and going half’s on the food costs.

Promise not to go after his house and definitely get on with saving for a deposit. He is clearly feeling hard done by even though you pay half of his mortgage!

Surely he shouldn’t profit from
you and nor you him.

4.5k on a new sofa ?

Do you have any savings ?

Your partner may actually be mortgage free ?

You may be paying more than 100% of the bills ?

DO NOT PAY ANY EXTRA than you are already paying

Any further upgrades or repairs to the property, he needs to pay himself. This includes painting & decorating, gardening, electrical, white goods etc
This is his property, so these are his responsibility !

This op. You have no claim. If something goes wrong you and your children are left with nothing. Get out and rent at least you will be in charge or the roof over your head. If you like continue to date him although this would be the end for me

So you deduct his share from your monthly payments until all is settled!! Or if further down the road you do split - you do own a sofa!!

He isn’t being fair and treating you like a partner.

However you are paying his mortgage the same way I’m paying my landlords mortgage. You are paying to live there as you should. I don’t agree that this means you are morally entitled to a share of the property.

You shouldn’t be paying more than half of utilities though unless you have your children there more.

You absolutely have no claim on his house because you are not on the mortgage or deeds and you are not married. It doesn't matter if you pay half the mortgage. This is the shocking truth about being unmarried.

I would explain this to him and maybe show him something that proves this ( lots on internet) to make him understand.

However, if someone directly said to me, someone who is supposed to love me, that they don't want me to have any claim on their asset I would be off I'm afraid. Its such a bald statement, not qualified by anything.

If uou stay together you should draw up a legal agreement of who pays what.

You paid for the sofa
Deduct that off your rent for the next few months
Why didn't he pay half of the sofa ?

Save up & move out

If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings.

These two things aren't compatible @Itsnotbeeneasy

If you were to rent, you'd not be homeless.

You need to be married to get anything because currently his kids inherit if he dies. He needs to show you the bills, refusing but asking you to pay a random amount is obviously ridiculous. Any money you transfer needs to be referenced‘mortgage’, but that means nothing except for your records.

Excellent point OP.

Give him a bill for childcare and housekeeping services.