DP wants more money

Your children are being raised in a household where the man drinks too much (do they witness that?)

Where he's not in control of his spending (is it going on drink?)
Creates debts because he can't get his read around the DD on his outgoings.
Lies
Manipulates

And where their mother appears to bend over backwards to go along with all of this, rather than being on her own.

What kind of role model are these children having?

Sadly, abuse repeats itself and I pity any daughter being brought up in a home like this, or a son who has this man as his role model.

They've already had their home life disrupted by the divorce.

Agree with and @@TheInebriati and @DriftingDora

You still have NO security, and he's still leeching off you.

Sorry, OP, I have to agree with what previous posters have said. This man could demand you and your kids leave - you have no security of tenure - and to add insult to injury he's treated you like a cash cow! I couldn't forgive anyone who did this, what feelings can he have for you that he'd behave like this?

I don't think you are taking peoples advice on board - why wouldn't you talk to a solicitor about your legal or financial situation? How long are you prepared to coast along like this?

Please look at The Freedom Program.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I think you should not be with a man prepared to treat you and your bank account this way. He’s appalling.

Reading your update, what comes over is that you are plastering over the cracks.

The consensus was you leave this relationship.
You've not engaged with that at all.

This man drinks too much.
He's lied to you (by omission) about the bills and never showing you what is really going on.

You are in a very precarious position.
You have no rights at all to remain in his house.
If this relationship ends, you will have lost £thousands by paying towards the bills.
(And bills for 6 people will be more than 3 -you and your 2 kids.)

Relying on an inheritance is pie in the sky as you know. Your family might need long term care in care home.

Honestly, you really don't seem to be engaging with this man's faults.
You're setting the bar very low.
Bringing your kids up in a house where the man drinks too much and can't handle money very well would be a non-starter for me.

Are you really that desperate to be in a relationship? Any relationship?

It comes over as if you've moved from a financially abusive marriage into a replica of that - but without the marriage.

was going to say the same

Sounds like youve walked straight into the same kind of relationship that you left. He allowed you to go into debt with empty promises.

i would reduce my monthly payment to what was originally agreed. As he wants you to use the original figures.

pay for nothing extra.

leave with your sofa.

Please move on. Even if you move out and cut financial ties, this is him.. he's not going to change.

I didn't have much when I married dh but he put my name of the deeds of our new home without me asking and looked after my dcs. He didn't have to and I wasn't expecting it.. he loved me and wanted to.

Far better to be on your own as soon as you're able to.

I would want to see the utility bills. I'd pay half of those and a 1/4 of the mortgage as 'rent'

Stop paying his mortgage for a start. Save up for a deposit and move out.

Is marriage on the cards because in this blended families' scenario, safeguarding individual assets (on either side) makes sense. I assume that the amount of "rent" that you pay your DP is beneficial to you i.e significantly lower than you would otherwise pay since the growing resentment you have does not bode well for the future of your relationship. This highlights your need to discuss where your relationship is going especially if it's going to be heading towards joint finances or not.

@sparkellie that's good. Sorry for your loss.

Tell him you will pay 50% of any household bills he shows you and 50% of the interest on the mortgage, again when paperwork is provided. If he doesn't provide bills/statements he doesn't get paid.
Unless he can show you proof that he has named you on his death in service benefits you are entitled to nothing. My partner of 8 years died without a will in Sept and I wasn't entitled to anything. It all went to his parents. They chose to split the money the way they believed he would have wanted, which meant I got his pension and death in service benefits, but I could easily have ended up with nothing.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

I think we all know that it's the paying, not having access to the payment records, which might be construed as an interest in the property.

And we can all guess that he thinks that if you see the actual bills you will know how much more you are paying than he is paying.

Doesn't look good, no wonder you are wondering whether this is reasonable. It really isn't.

And anyone who thinks that an unmarried partner would inherit in the absence of a will is .. well you don't want want to see the gaslighting word. But this, too, is seriously not correct. I can't think of any good reasons why he would tell you that. It's just wrong but he clearly doesn't want to make a will which would leave it all to you. You need to work from the basis that you will not inherit.

I would not be happy contributing to any bills without seeing the statements. Reduce your contributions seriously until you see the bills. Then contribute your portion of bills excluding mortgage. I wouldn't usually suggest this but you have already contributed too much so you should redress that balance.

Build up your deposit and get out as fast as you can. Hold back on the expensive furniture until you are in a better financial situation. Good luck.

You’re depriving yourself and you children of a potential home by paying this money grabbing shitwipe too much money. Chuck him in the bin, let him pay for his own fucking house.

whilst it sounds v unfair, and certainly you need to know what the bills are, how much does what you're contributing compare to what you'd pay in rent & bills for your own place?

Long term, get out - but in the short term it could be more cost effective to stay put.

This is incorrect.

Op would need to speak to a solicitor to discuss details.

It's complex. But doesn't necessarily require documentation.

Why are you giving legal advice on something you obviously don't know about?

If you look at it this way; it’s like he has a savings account (his house in this case), where you’re also putting money into, but when the investment matures, all the money in the account goes to him. A house is an investment, and you’re paying into that investment, but with no claim to any money back from its sale, if/when that happens. He must think all his Christmas’s have come at once. If you’re in this relationship for the long haul, then you should say you’re happy to contribute, but that your name needs to be on the mortgage, even if he pro rata’s any profit to reflect he has a larger investment in the property, so that you’re at least getting something back from it.

Yes she mayhave established a beneficial interest in the property.

Op would need to discuss details with a solicitor.

@GabriellaMontez She hasn't. If she had, it would be a legal mortgage agreement where she was named as the co-owner.

She wouldn't have started this thread if that was the case.

You paid 4.5k on a sofa but you don't have your own deposit? How much are you actually contributing are your dc there all the time?

Two initial positives here. Firstly, you have gotten yourself out of debt - so congratulations - you should feel good about that. Secondly, you earn a good salary, and apart from the living situation right now you don't need to rely on him for anything.

I would be very put off that you are paying off his mortgage and the way he has behaved. Very grabby and very unattractive!

How is your relationship generally? Any plans for future marriage?

If you ever make another payment to this man, start using the reference "mortgage". See if he reacts to that

Yes she may have established a beneficial interest in the property.

Op would need to discuss details with a solicitor.