DP wants more money

I've got no idea why you started paying half of his mortgage when you have no legal claim to the house. That was idiotic. But what's done is done. I wouldn't pay him a penny more until you have got yourself more financially secure and are not paying into an asset which you have no claim to.

Treat the money you have already paid him for the mortgage as payment in advance for your half of the bills/utilities, and don't pay him anything else until what you have already paid no longer covers your share of the utilities.

I am a tenant, and have been for the past 20 years, so I do have some experience in it. It's not something I would suggest anyone went into lightly. Without a significant sum of money behind you it can be a very hard cycle to get out if. I definitely wouldn't judge someone for trying to avoid it.

I read it that she wants to have investment for her children's future. But equally having that would give her more security and freedom if she did choose to leave.
ETA she said he drinks more than she would like, but didn't say how much that was. There are plenty of relationships I wouldn't choose to be in, but that doesn't mean nobody else should be in them. I'm not saying this is a great relationship. The way he has acted would be a deal breaker for me. But so would cheating, and plenty of people continue a relationship after finding out about that. It's not our place to judge her for not choosing to leave, or for not being vocal about ot if she does choose to do so.

@sparkellie Have you been a tenant recently?

I have family members who rent.

I don't have to be doing something myself to know what goes on in the world.

@sparkellie This is what she said.

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

If she didn't mean it to sound as if she was saving to leave, then she's written a very confusing post.

It's not clear if she's saving to buy a property as an inheritance for her children, or for herself now.

Why would anyone want to be with a drinker who can't control that habit or the impact it has on their life?

AND raise your children with a step parent who is doing this?

She doesn't have to tell us this. It is up to her. She didn't ask if she should leave him, though I'm sure she knew that people would say that. She asked for opinions on him asking for more money. Maybe she wants to see how he responds when she says no before making a decision? I'm not making assumptions that she's doing any of these things, I'm saying she could be. Whether she is or not is really none of our business. She doesn't have to let her whole relationship play out on mn because she asked for opinions on something!
Have you been a tenant recently? Lettings here are few and far between. They are expensive (more so than a mortgage). Who says she would be able get one easily. Literally 0 places have been available to rent in my local village in the last couple of months. When you take into account that landlords have their pick when they do come up (and will therefore choose high income/couples/childless/petless households all over a single parent), there are no easy choices.
If he kicked her out with her kids (unlikely given the chances are it would leave him worse off - and money seems to be of high importance to him) the council would house her. It's not ideal, obviously, but neither is opting into private renting especially in the current climate, and whilst trying to save money.

He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

Okay.

So why does he keep saying he could sell up and buy something outright?

What's behind that?

It sounds like a threat- pay up or I will sell and there will be no room for you and your kids.

@sparkellie I see what you're getting at (as you quoted my post.)

However, yours is full of assumptions too.

IF she had said she was playing the long game, saving and getting ready to leave, that's understandable. Some women in abusive relationships do this- play all sweet and nice, while getting their ducks in a row.

She's not said this. She seems to think his behaviour is fine and even explains why the direct debits for bills was 'understandable'.

If she IS saving for a deposit, is their relationship over? Is she playing a game?

As a tenant, she would have some security (it can take 2 years to evict someone and the backlog at the courts is very very long if landlords pursue it that way.)

At the moment, he could change the locks and she's be out- homeless.

No, he said he had £150k in EQUITY in the property. That is not savings

The reason he won't show you is because you're paying the majority and he doesn't want you to know. He just wants the extra money.

THIS!!!!!!

We don't know how much % of the property is mortgaged. I'm going to assume it's worth £300k, so the mortgage is for 50% of the total value.

@Collaborate Why assume that figure?

The OP has lived there for 2.5 years.
He's hidden the true costs only alluding to £150K in savings, saying he could pay off the mortgage (errr....why doesn't he rather than paying interest?)

The relationship is terrible.
He's not open, he drinks too much and he's doing this in full sight (we assume) of her children (no idea of their ages.)

Why would any mother want their children exposed to a man like this?

The consensus on these threads is always LTB. If OP has genuinely put her foot down about the money and won't pay until he shows her current bills etc, and wants to see what happens, that is up to her.
There are a lot of people suggesting moving into rentals and saving, but I'm pretty sure most of them wouldn't do that. It's unpredictable, expensive, and insecure. She has a home that is for the moment probably a lot cheaper and more stable than renting, which would allow her to build a deposit far quicker. If he ends the relationship because she has put her foot down she won't be any worse off than if she leaves.
People tend to take an idea and run with it, nowhere has she said that the children see her partner drinking, or anything about the rest of the relationship. He may have issues with money that are understandable if you know the whole picture, but we don't.
OP has said she is taking the steps to protect herself, her income and her children's future, and that is what the post was about.
For the record, I don't think I could separate his behaviour regarding bills from everything else, but if she can (and she knows him better than anyone else here), that's her call.

You pay half of bills and nothing towards mortgage.

This feels a concern to me, if you have no claim then I feel you should be paying less than 50/50, more a mortgage gesture and half on food, council tax, water and heating.

he has it so good, you’re paying over half his bills and giving him a good life, cheek of him to want more..

I would be getting my ducks in a row so to speak and purchasing something pronto as possible. You earn a good wage, sound a decent person and need your own asset and independence for your own good.

drop your amounts and explain clearly why,

I have a different view to the majority of respondents.

We don't know how much % of the property is mortgaged. I'm going to assume it's worth £300k, so the mortgage is for 50% of the total value.

He is contributing 50% of the cost of the house by not taking his equity out. If he's also paying half the mortgage then it;s not an equal contribution to housing costs.

You should also consider how much the mortgage is compared to the rental value of the house. It might well be less. It would not be unreasonable for you to pay him 50% of the rental value of the property.

How much would you pay elsewhere in rent if you move out?

I think it would be sebsible for you to buy a property to rent out, if only to give you some security, but if the roles were reversed and you owned the house you'd be inundated with posters urging you not to give him a chance of making a claim against the equity, and calling him a cock lodger for not paying half of the bills.

By the way, since you have been paying his mortgage, you have a claim on his property anyway now.

@Lotus3 <sighs> How many times? It's been mentioned right throughout this thread.

Paying your boyfriend money that he uses towards his mortgage does not mean you have a claim on the property.

The only 'claim' she could have is if she was a co-owner, with a legal agreement in the form of a joint mortgage.

So many women seem to have a false idea of what they can claim and belong to the false 'common law wife' school of thinking (which actually means women living with men get nothing if split up and they are not married).

The reason he won't show you is because you're paying the majority and he doesn't want you to know. He just wants the extra money.

But going off your last reply, you may as well just had over your pay to him each month and get it over and done with now 🤷

Excellent post from @LetusandLoveit . Please read it OP.

You are being financially abused.
I do hope that you are keeping notes of domestic jobs undertaken in the home and gratuity in the private rooms 😄😄😄😄😄
Please do not give ANY EXTRA money - instead please spend that money on counselling as to why you would allow another person so much control over you.
* Also since this is a business arrangement, please keep a log of ALL MONIES changed hands* obviously seg diesnt count- thats LOVINGLY GIVEN BY YOU - you fool.

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She has a few on this subject.. take him for what you've put in. Cheeky g1t.

OP he’s using you to cover him financially sorry to be harsh but the comment he made about you having a claim to the house is a massive red flag if I was you I would seriously start looking at getting out of that house and relationship

I've never jump d to this conclusion on any of these posts. But you need to walk away now. I would hazard a guess he's either in debt or his alcohol use is far worse than what you realise. You are going to end up with nothing.

Betcha my last Rolo you have been paying the majority of the utility bills. Which is why he can't show you.

I'm afraid not! He wants access to your money without give access to the finances that's not how life works unfortunately.. put your money in your savings for you and your kids.. he's already said your paying more than him sonic think that's enough.. selfish git

WOOOAH. The red flag, the GIANT red flag, is refusing to show you the bill amounts. WTAF. By the way, since you have been paying his mortgage, you have a claim on his property anyway now. This behaviour from him is ultra suspicious.

Pay the extra on the food and bills that you and your kids use and have done. If he was to leave you tomorrow, he would be paying that house and bills number anyway. Since you have split finances, you should be saving like hell to ensure you can buy that rental property and secure your kids future. So far he is benefitting hugely from this arrangement. End it now (the arrangement, not the relationship, though you do need to assess whether he's been using you financially).