DP wants more money

Those saying that she's paying him rent and would be paying rent otherwise - yes, technically true, but he doesn't need it, and having a partner live with you brings (or should bring) other benefits above financial. If you have a mortgage and rent out a room to a lodger to help pay it you're trading a disadvantage (sharing your space) for an advantage. If you have a partner move in and pay rent to you then you're getting two advantages. It's mean spirited to charge a partner financially 'just because they would have been paying rent anyway'. I would expect the partner without the asset to use the opportunity to save their own pot of money either to contribute to the asset in future or to develop their own financial security. If the partner with the asst charges rent just because they can, they end up with the asset (and the extra money they glean from their partner) and the other partner ends up with nothing. How is that a partnership?

OP been living there 2.5 years house with equity was already all his. Has OP got strong paper trail to say she has contributed to the mortgage eg bank transfer £330 mortgage?
No - she has no claim - the house would have had to go up in value in that time and that amount would be what the op has contributed to but how much and how long would it take for her to prove all this
OP needs to sort her own spending out stop letting men drain her finances and stay or go whichever she decides.
The amount she's been paying would maybe be similar or less to as if she had been renting.
And cock lodger could counteract that he has enabled her to pay her debts off.
Be realistic.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5009426-how-to-split-bills-and-consider-income?page=3&reply=133117124

Has he said anything about marriage?

This.

Stop focusing on ‘half the mortgage’ the reality is if you were living elsewhere, you would be paying rent. This is a complete red herring.

You need to get more financially independent. You need a plan for your future and that of your children.
Now that you are debt free, what are your plans?

If you want to purchase a home then you need a deposit plus enough for solicitors fees etc. If the plan is a house purchase then make this your goal and stop spending money on furniture - particularly very expensive furniture!!

Stop telling him about your salary. Financial transparency is a two way street and it is clear he has no intention to share this with you.

Lastly, paying half bills and some form of ‘rent’ towards where you and your children are living is normal, would you not say?

I also would not give any new partner a stake in my property, I would absolutely safeguard it for my children. He is doing the right thing for his kids, you should be doing the same for yours.

OP just a word of caution. Ex-DP and I bought a house over 20 years ago. Mortgage in his sole name due to my previous commitments. I earned more and paid childcare costs for us both to work that totalled £71.000. I paid all the bills snd holidays and supported us all when he had long periods of sickness and unemployment. We had to separate as he attacked our son after drinking.. To get my share involves a court case under TOLATA rules which could cost £20.000 in legal fees . The only good thing I did was have a restriction on the deeds that prevents a sale without my permission. Please protect yourself OP and buy that property or build savings in case you split. Don’t let him badger you into paying his costs . As a consequence of my stupidity and trust I will have to work well into my 70s .

Really interesting to read the responses which I agree with following the post yesterday where a female asked if her pip should be included and everyone was saying he should pay half the mortgage including the overpayment and half of all bills as he was benefiting so.
Back to OP, if he wants more money he needs to be open about costs. If not, don’t pay.

I’m not a fan of the MN trope that you shouldn’t “pay towards a mortgage you aren’t on” - that’s called rent. You are renting from him. That’s not - on it’s own - problematic to me.

That said, in this situation I’d leave. He’s suppose to be a partner and by not being transparent he’s treating you as a cash dispenser rather than a life partner. Of course you need to see the bills if he’s asking for half. How else will you know what’s reasonable.

I’d ask him for half the sofa.

Buy a place for you and your kids.

So you moved into his house 2.5 years ago, but how long have you been together?

what were your joint plans 2.5 years ago?

because at the moment this sounds like a landlord vs tenant relationship. Why did you decide to move in?

you are in a very vulnerable financial situation right now. Time to start planning long term. If he is honest about you taking control of everything upon his death, then time to put it in writing through appropriate legal route.

I think you already know this - but if he is not being transparent with money, you should not be either. Do not tell him how much you have earned.

I’d take time to explore properties for first time buyers/assisted schemes as you may already have enough for a deposit, but in the 3m it would take you to set it up, find a property, you could definitely have enough plus a little on the side for ikea beds for the kids/second hand sofa etc (and any furniture you’ve bought personally in DPs house).

A friend of mine did this after her divorce, renting for 3 years, and was regarded as a first time buyer despite having have a joint mortgage previously with her ex.

You don’t have to split up, if you don’t want to, but I would definitely plan to move out.

Yeah OP just tell him you'd have a claim on the house if you're paying towards mortgage! He'd have a fit

Op legally you may have a claim on the house to the value that you put in. It is the payment towards the mortgage which is potentially relevant - having visibility over the bills makes absolutely no difference.

He appears to consider you a cash cow rather than a partner so I would limit my payment to bills only for the moment and save up to move out.

Absolutely this.

don’t pay the cocklodger’s mortgage if he hasn’t put you on it.

Op this is a crazy situation to be in. You're contributing to his mortgage but have no claim on it?? I think legally you would have a claim to the house but why is your DP so keen that you have nothing when you are a couple? You need to stop paying the mortgage and just half of the utilities. If DP isn't happy then move out and rent, you'd be far better off. Your DP sounds unattractively greedy.

Why are you with this man after this event? He won’t even tell you what his bills are but expects you to pay half of them… OP I would be gone TODAY. You say you want more time to build up some money of your own or you’ll have to rent but you’re essentially renting now - he’s essentially your landlord, you are paying off his mortgage. I would rather rent my own place and not live with an arsehole.

If you seriously don’t want to leave until you’ve got some more savings, I’d stop paying anything to him for the next three months. Save pretty much every penny you make for the next three months. Make up some rubbish about having problems with your work and bank, tell him you’ll get the money to him when it’s all resolved. Keep up with this lie, deal with any arguments that arise because of it, and then leave at the end of the three months. If he asks to see your accounts or anything just obviously say no, as he won’t let you see his either. Treat him in the same way you’ve been treated and then go.

You've been taken for a fool. You earn plenty. You give him more than enough. You pay half the mortgage on a house on which you have no claim.

At least it's only two and a half years, not twenty five. Ducks in a row, get your arse and your two precious children out of there.

Just from this thread I would say get out as fast as you can. Then you can focus on yourself and your children and buy somewhere.

Why 4.5k on a sofa!!! Jeez…. Did he choose it and expect you to pay?? We spent £700 on ours and I agonised over that 😅

He’s not a partner - he’s used you to pay off half his mortgage!! I’d seek legal advice as to whether you can claim any of that back if you split.

I too am gobsmacked you would spend £4.5k on a sofa when you have no house of your own. You have a good salary so you should be building up financial security for you and your DC. It sounds like you have been taken for a mug before by your ex. How much do you actually pay each month?

Well, that's sofa goes with you when you leave and the refund goes to you too if you paid for the original one.

How much does he ask you for each month? Or rather how much do you pay each month?

He's taking advantage of you financially and you are in a very precarious position. He could throw you out tomorrow and you would have no financial recourse.

Do not increase the amount you pay. Keep saving as much as you can. Stop telling him how much you earn. I suspect this relationship will implode now that you have wised up.

Mind blowing that you've bought a £4.5k sofa. You could have spent £500 and put £4k into savings. That would have brought you one step closer to getting away from this financially abusive arse.

He doesn't trust you, he treats you unfairly overcharging you, hiding his situation and taking money from your kids future security, and he has a drinking problem. No way should you be blending your family with a selfish dickhead like this nor prolonging it just so you can save up a bit faster. The sofa incident alone shows he's no partner and doesn't care for you and your dc. That's no kind of home to grow up in.

So he knows all about your money and you know very little about his. You’re subsidising his mortgage with absolutely no long term benefit to you.
I don’t think any of this would be a problem if he was honest and open with you.