DP wants more money

Why do you tell him how much you earn?
I’ve been married for y, I’ve never told my husband what I earn!
Like others have said, get out, if not for your own sake, but for your children!

I think move out and have a stable base for you and your kids, and start saving. Whether you stay together is another issue but you need some stability and independence for yourself and your kids. If you ever moved back in together you’d then be in a better situation with some security. X

For all you know you’re paying 75% - refuse to pay until you see all bills. I’d include mortgage in that. Plan to take the sofa with you.

Don’t tell him how much you make each month as it’s not relevant.

you know this isn’t a healthy relationship and financially he’s taking you for a ride. Plan your exit

Yes this is unfair and he looks to be taking advantage of you. But that said, he didn’t do this on his own, you are not helpless. I don’t really understand why you willingly put yourself in this situation, before working out a plan to get your own property or otherwise financial security.

He’s financially abusing you and if he drops down dead tm you’ll have nothing, no legal rights to anything.

He won't show you the bills? Clearly he has been ripping you off big time. He's a nasty man taking advantage of you. Good luck in a free-of-him future!

Where you stand legally, is that you aren't married to your DP so you have zero rights. It doesn't matter how much you pay towards his mortgage, you would have to pay for rent if you weren't doing that, so you're lining his pockets which he knows.

youd be far better off getting your own place at the earliest opportunity, get those MN ducks lined up, so you don't have to put up with him gaslighting you. He's not only a miserly, skinflint he's also a barefaced liar. He certainly doesn't see you as a partner. Please don't marry him, it will get even worse.

Our charity shops, warehouse have great sofas etc.. save that refund for a deposit on a house of your own.

If he dies his family are entitled to everything.

If he's a heavy drinker he'll be caught by employer eventually.

Good luck @Itsnotbeeneasy

Setting aside all the other great advice, I'd be asking him to show you exactly where he's had it confirmed in writing that you knowing the utility bill amounts would entitle you to half the house. Because that is bollocks.

If he has no will then his children would (eventually, after a long and painful probate) get everything.

If they die before or with him (say in a car accident), then any siblings/ parents still living would get the lot.

You are very vulnerable.

Keep hold of that spreadsheet. And receipts for anything you have bought/contributed to in the house. I don't know how much good they will be, but they can't hurt.

Edited: Eff you, auto correct!

He’s got it cushy hasn’t he? Someone helping with all his bills, mortgage, furnishings, housework, childcare etc? And you’ll get sweet fa if he dies because you’re not married.
He’s definitely onto a good thing while you’re getting zilch other than sex in return 🤷🏼‍♀️

Years ago, one of the most intelligent moves I've ever made was to not buy into my ex's shithole house to rescue him financially. He wanted to own the house together then rent it out and we rent somewhere bigger for us and my DC. His ex (who he owned with) even wrote out all the details to buy her out which meant paying her my paltry divorce settlement luckily I went with my gut and said no thanks and bought my own shared ownership home for me and my DC.

4 weeks after moving into my own home I saw sense, got a bit of self esteem, realised he was a cock lodger and ended the relationship. He was shit with money, had zero ambition and happily let women in his life support him. OP advocate for yourself and listen to your gut. If it feels shit make plans to buy your own property to live in, look at shared ownership if you can't afford a full house. I met my DH 6 years ago and we've bought together, earn the same, contributed the same to the house, DH happily suggested a deed of trust and joint tenants so I can leave my assets to the kids and it has never felt off. He isn't bothered about your kids financial future and that's shit.

Sorry OP but this is full of red flags. It is utter nonsense for him to say you will "control everything" if you are unmarried and he hasn't written a Will. He is either an idiot or a manipulative liar.

You are contributing equally, yet benefitting significantly less. How is that a partnership?

More importantly, and sorry for the bluntness, but you are disadvantaging your own children in order to benefit him and his children. Not only is this grossly unfair on them, but might even effect your relationship with your children once they are old enough to understand.

If you want to keep the relationship, I would suggest you pay half of utilities, and half of the interest on his mortgage (certainly not the repayment part of the mortgage which he is benefitting from). Plus establish some life assurance both on his life for your benefit (so that you have something to fall back on if he dies first as you WILL be turfed out of the house - make sure the life insurance is either in trust for you, or in a policy in your name) AND life assurance on your life for the benefit of your children if you haven't already done this.

Personally I'd not bother negotiating too hard, if he can't see how unfair this set up is he is not worth fighting for and you should go and secure a future for you and your children without him.

You’d be paying (more?) rent if you weren’t living with him so i think the mortgage contribution is somewhat irrelevant.
50% of bills is fair.

If he died tomorrow his children would and should be his beneficiaries.

Marriage would offer financial security but, I will say, meanness is a very negative quality and it’ll only get worse as he ages! Are you sure this man is who you want to spend the rest of your days with?

Op doesn’t have a claim even if contributing to mortgage. She’d have to demonstrate specifically that her partner agreed to give her a beneficial interest that and it would cost her tens of thousands to dispute a case with little chance of success

No financial disclosure and no trust in you no more money. Tell him you’re happy for him to use the amount you were paying more than him each month to cover the increase in bills.

You're paying half the mortgage and ALL the utilities? That's outrageous! You'd be better off buying a house and living there. Oh and take the fucking sofa with you

I really feel for you, what a terrible situation to be in! But if you want to stay with this guy you need to be on the mortgage or you two need to buy a place together with joint mortgage. There cant be any other way forward. Otherwise, you are basically providing a security to his kids while leaving your own with nothing.

But I would struggle to stay with someone who is happy with this situation - I think you need to move out and start building a secure base for yourself and your kids. But be prepared - your partner will not like it! No more free money for him.

Op I would get myself out as soon as I could.
However be prepared - his probably loving life with you generous contributions, so may try gaslightinging u to stay.

If you have been contributing to the mortgage then you have a claim on the house, it's on his best interests for you to pay utilities only. He shouldn't be making money out of you. I'd move out 🤷‍♀️

I think there are some things to think about

paying rent does not give you a share to his house and neither should it. Consider how much you’re laying vs simply taking out your own rental and all associated monthly bills. Is it more/less?

if you’re a partnership you should both agree and understand what total living costs are and agree to pay appropriately and in fair share

as you’re not married you have no legal
rights. You’re not his next of kin and are not entitled to anything either in the event of separation or death - unless he has a will name you as beneficiary and names you as that on his death in service benefit etc

I wouldn’t have an issue, at least in short term when moving in simply paying rent, but as and if relationship progressed, became longer term I’d want to understand plans to either part own house or buy one together or buy a property and rent it out in my own make etc so I am building up some assets rather than just paying rent forever allowing his assets to benefit from this

Legally in England you have no right to his.home when you split, nor when he dies. He sounds very greedy and grabby, happy to drain your money for his benefit. I'd start saving up for a place of my own. You could rent it out until you need it. As you won't be able to live with him forever, unless you married. I'd downplay it as, leaving an asset for your children.

The only way forward is either to buy your own property or buy a house together in joint names. You are contributing to a mortgage and probably have no claim on this house. It's a waste of time. He sounds mean and selfish. Get out would be my advice.

Get out of there. He isn't showing you bills and is allowing you to contribute more than 50%. He is also allowing you to pay off his mortgage whilst you have no claim to it. See a solicitor and see if you can claim back the money you paid for the mortgage. That is not a partnership. He is taking you for a ride. I would rather pay a landlords mortgage than set this user up for life

You’ve both been incredibly naive moving in and paying his mortgage with no cohabitation agreement or legal advice. When a long term partner moved into my home our solicitors made it abundantly clear that in order to not have a claim on my property they must not pay for the mortgage or upkeep/improvements to the building.