DP wants more money

Others have already said this. It’s quite simple. You recalculate your contributions to be more in line with what he contributes and deduct the sofa and any other unfair expenses you have accrued. Offer him the lower amount which will contextualise your position to him and explain that this is the fairest way of doing things if you have no security. You must work on gaining security for you and your children. If he is serious about you, a will needs to be created to account for both your children and his children in the event of either of you passing. He’s doing what many men do financially. At some point if you communicate well, you might be able to turn his attitude around. But it makes no sense that he won’t show you a utility bill, but he knows every penny you earn. You need to start faking what you earn and start complaining that your commission is dropping, whilst all the time saving as much as you can. Well done on clearing your debts, by the way! That is fantastic! My dad was just like this to all the women he had in his life, until eventually he met someone, and he had got to a stage in his life, where he realised he needed to share… his current Partner put a lot of money into ‘his’ home but only if it became ‘their’ home. An agreement was drawn up on what they have. At some point as your relationship hopefully will mature, your partner might well mature and the switch will flip hopefully. But you need to lay down the law now and tell him how you feel And what position this is putting you and your kids in. As all he’s doing is growing Security for himself. Ask some friends in similar size properties, what the bills are. It’s not very hard to roughly calculate them within £50-£100 total. Gas electric 200 to 250. Water 30 to 35. TV licence 15. Home Insurance 30-35, sky tv 80-90, internet 35-45, Council Tax you can look up for your local area circa 200-220 (this is a complete guess). It’s obvious you are contributing more than him and he doesn’t want you to see the bills and realise by how much. If this was a fair partnership, nothing would be hidden and this is what he needs to realise. Good luck op!

I think you should be paying him some form of rent and you should be paying the bills in ratio to how many people you bring to the table. BUT this is not an arbitrary amount plucked out of the air it’s based on actual costs incurred. Lay it out for him that you want to see the bills before you agree to any payment going forward if he won’t do this then he’s telling you who he is and you need to separate your households. You don’t have to stop seeing him if you like him but I wouldn’t put my finances into a household where I’m not treat like an equal

OP you’ve been a fucking mug.

On the off chance you are in Scotland... non married co-habiting partners do potentially have a claim to the property they reside in.
Can't remember the details, but I do remember my friend had her boyfriend sign a legal deed of trust drawn up by her solicitor before her now DH moved in with her.
Worth looking into if in Scotland, if not then as you were.
As an aside, he's not much of a "Darling Partner", he needs a better shorthand. TW - "tightfisted wanker" perhaps?

I'm really surprised by some of these responses!

If a woman came on here, and said that she was thinking of letting her boyfriend move in, and she was going to put him on her mortgage, we would all be screaming Noooooo!!

You won't get anything if he dies. You aren't married and he doesn't have a will. It will go to his next of kin, his kids.

Don't put any more money into the house. Tell him you will onto now contribute to the Costs associated with yoy living there. He would have mortgage regardless so that is not included.

He sounds like an ass

Naunet
She’s not renting from him because there’s no rental agreement, OP doesn’t have the rights of a renter. If he wants to put a rental agreement in place, that would be different, but I wonder then what would happen if they split up, and she no longer wants her landlord sharing her bed? He can’t evict her for that, and he has to provide her with a bedroom, so he’d be pretty fucked. Renting is a two sided agreement.

Okay, she’s not renting from him. Let’s be pedantic. She’s lodging with him. There’s still a ‘rent’ to be paid and lodging confers no legal rights, other than rights the two parties agree between themselves. This man has made it clear that he doesn’t want OP to gain an interest in his property so all this talk of paying towards the mortgage and possibly having a stake in the property are nonsense.

Her ‘partner’ has shown what he’s offering OP. It’s for her to decide whether this works for her in the short or long-term. What other people would do can guide her but ultimately she needs to make her own decisions based on her own situation and needs.

And let me guess you're doing all the housework and childcare, AND contributing to his living expenses as well as paying half his mortgage. Threads like this just me want me to scream. Take off the rose coloured glasses and open your eyes to the fact you've just gone from one financially precarious situation right into another.

Oh, and take the sofa with you!

Does he even definitely have a mortgage or is he lying and mortgage free Could? Could be 300 a month could be 1k.
Sounds like he is absolutely mugging you off and taking financial piss.

is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

Use his own argument against him. Tell
him that contributing to the mortgage potentially gives you the rights that he’s worried about you having; in order to protect him you’ll just contribute 50% of the estimated bills from now on.

Even if your relationship goes the distance and you continue to help him pay off him mortgage, what happens when he dies? His children split the property? What about you and your children? You won't have a legal claim on the house.

You only contribute to someone's mortgage if you have some security. If you were married or he'd written you into his will it would be different.

He'll make more money long term with a property investment than you can ever make with savings.

Not letting you see paperwork is a bit of a red flag.

I think that if he saw you as an equal he would be happy with a plan of eventually joint ownership with you contributing savings to bring down the mortgage at some point and your mortgage contributions and home improvements acknowledged. Otherwise he's done very well out of this relationship. He's treating you like a tenant.

You are paying half his mortgage but have no legal rights to the property??? I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to hear this but he’s using you.

For context when DP moved in with me (I own the house), we agreed he’d contribute £500 a month which is what I’d have lost in tax credits as a single mum. He also pays for food and other bits and bobs on an adhoc basis. I would never have expected him to pay half the mortgage as it’s my house not his.

What do you think we would all say if a man moved into a woman’s home, she refused to tell him how much the bills really were but let slip she was charging him more than 50% and the. was demanding even more? Because that’s a huge part of this and it’s not ok.

OP, what is in this relationship for you?

It's difficult to understand the attraction of this man who seems intent on making money at your expense. Does it feel like love? I think I would not be attracted to someone so mean.

If you cast your thoughts forward to your late-50s, staring down the barrel of retirement, what will you have to your name?

That matters more than this guy or the sofa; it will determine your standard of living for the rest of your life and also influence the standard of your children's lives.

Rather than try to figure out this guy's intentions, focus on what you can control which is securing your future.

You did well to get out of your marriage and to clear your debts. Now try to focus on building your security: establish a fund to keep yourself afloat for 3-6months, and start to save 15% of your income into a compound interest type thing.

Yes I do think a partner should live 'for free' if the other partner owns the property. That's what I did with my DH until we got married (when we had an agreement drawn up re equity and he started paying half)
The moving in partner should share in the bills which will reduce the overall costs as the bills don't generally increase by 100% when another person moves in.
Also re the kids issue - bills should be split proportionately. I pay 2/3 of our bills for example because I have a DC who lives here full time. I can't remember the OP's set up - did she say they both have 2 kids each? So still 50/50. If not, split by proportion by all means. But don't charge your partner rent.
I just don't agree at all with one person getting a discount on their asset and the other person having no assets of their own because they are giving their partner a discount! It is not a partnership. When I lived alone I rented the spare room sometimes. Obviously those people paid me because that was the only advantage to me of having them live there. The idea of asking my (then) DP to pay me to live with me was ridiculous. He pays NOW because he's sharing in the asset because we are married. That also means he shares in the costs and labour involved in caring for and improving the asset.

If @Itsnotbeeneasy was renting from him. She wouldn't have to cook, clean, wash, care for his two children. What's that worth?

I’m going to be devil’s advocate here. If a MAN moved from rental to woman’s owned property with his children then what advice would we give regarding whether or not he have a steak in the property? I think It has to work for both of you. If you’re paying less than you’d pay in private rental and it’s a nice home for your blended family then is it not a win/win situation? My partner moved from rental into my house. He’s £800 better off a month and I get help with paying for the bills and upkeep of the property.

why, oh why women do this? It is when I prefer just reading on mumsnet instead commenting

He won't show you the bills that you are paying, he's paying less than you and you're paying his mortgage. He's using you. I'd be moving out asap personally.

She’s not renting from him because there’s no rental agreement, OP doesn’t have the rights of a renter. If he wants to put a rental agreement in place, that would be different, but I wonder then what would happen if they split up, and she no longer wants her landlord sharing her bed? He can’t evict her for that, and he has to provide her with a bedroom, so he’d be pretty fucked. Renting is a two sided agreement.

You either need to pay into the mortgage and have a stake in the house as an asset or and what would be my preference given his attitude, not pay into the mortgage but pay into your own savings/investment.

Op you have children. You need to build financially for them as this man certainly doesn’t care about that. This won’t be a one off he’ll keep increasing.

Move out and save. Think about your kids

But the flip side is you move in and live for free? With two kids. If the genders were reversed it would be immediately labelled cocklodging.

I do know what you mean and I like the advantage vs disadvantage line, that’s a good way of looking at it. But he’s also had two children move in, so is it a full double advantage? If OP moved in alone, maybe she should just pay half bills or something, but 3 people moved in, that’s can’t possibly be free?

I think a below market rate rent is not unreasonable. But her Dp being weird about the actual bills and costs is a whole other issue!

I wouldn't be happy either and whilst I was building my own savings and working out long term what I was going to do, I would be extremely calculating for my half of the utilities as he won't give the figures to you.

Council tax is easy - go to https://www.gov.uk/council-tax-bands and using 'check my council tax', but the address details on and it will tell you what council tax band the property is. Then go to your local councils website and get the annual figure for that band. Divide that figure in half and that is your annual contribution to the council tax.

Gas & electric - we pay £210 a month for a 4 bed semi with 3 adults wfh, tumble drier on a lot in the winter etc. If your house is similar, pay half of this - £105 a month. If its smaller, pay even less.

Water - go the website of your local water company (if you google it, it will tell you) and work out the likely bill from there. If you can't do this, google what the 'typical' annual bill is for your water company and then pay half of this.

Phone, tv, broadband etc - go to the website of the company that provides you with this and search for the package you have. That will give you the total cost for your package - again pay half of this.

Insurance - if the home insurance isn't in your name/you are not a joint policy holder than don't contribute to this at all as you won't be able to make a claim on it

Rent - pluck a figure out of the air for this, obviously on the low side. If he won't tell you what the monthly payment is then you can't ensure you pay half towards this. You could also go to https://www.rightmove.co.uk/house-prices.html and find out how much he paid for it and then deduct the £150K equity he says he has and that will give you the outstanding balance. You can run that figure through a mortgage calculator which would give you the best deal available now for the outstanding mortgage (moneysaving expert website is good for this). That will give you the monthly figure - again pay less than half of this if you are feeling generous.

Good luck

Move OUT asap! I don’t think you have any financial or “residential” security at all right now. I’d be looking for a cosy rental for you and your kids, so you can control your own finances. And take the new sofa with you.

Then see how committed he (and you) are to the actual relationship.