DP wants more money

You are being took for a mug.
You dont need mumsnet to tell you that.
If your intelligent enough to earn a good income , you are intelligent enough to see you need to step up and do more to protect your children financially.

Why can't you see he us talking out of his arse when he says if he dies tomorrow you get everything when there's no will I'm place and you're not married.
Surely you know it hogwash when he says you can't see the bills.
Wake up.

Also, lodging isn’t MUCH cheaper than renting, Naunet. It just means your landlord is live-in rather than live-out. I don’t think there’s much difference in the rent price between renting one room in a houseshare and one room with a live-in landlord.

Adding to the pages and pages of comment : I’m a solicitor and your starting position, right now, unmarried and no will is : you get nothing (apart from the sofa).

mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit

So this isn't the first time a man has used you.

You're obviously doing well in your job but you're not being very sensible when it comes to men.

Seriously, and said kindly, you need to work out why you keep getting involved with these men and appear gullible.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with

Fuck that shit. Besides, if you're paying half his mortgage you should have your name on the deeds.

He wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’
Keep paying the bills, stop paying the mortgage and put that money aside for your own house purchase. Write on a bit of paper that you agree that you won’t expect a share of the equity in the house- that will explain neatly to him why you’re not paying his mortgage for him.

Oh love.

You need to leave this man.

This is financial abuse, almost.

I'd never dream of paying towards anything without seeing bank statements and bills, upfront, sitting down and discussing a fair contribution.

I'd also never pay for another person's mortgage.

AND you have children. It's not as if you are a single woman who can just walk away and get a house-share with other single people or easily rent a property.

I hope you will leave.

And, it might be best to consider if you are ready for a relationship with anyone because your boundaries seem quite poor. (ie you accept bullshit and still plough ahead with the relationship.)

If you have a history of men taking advantage or being unreliable, and there is a pattern, it may be worth taking time to reflect on this and set the bar higher in future.

I hope you find a way out of this.

Nope, a lodger, with a proper agreement gets notice, not as much as you’d get with a rental, but you still get notice.

This. And shipping your kids into someone else's home and knowingly providing them False security- very irresponsible of you. What is it with women who make these types of decisions?? Foist their kids into such situations where the poor children have no choice. It also sounds like you are counting on him to provide you a home like he owes it to you? He could literally lock you and your kids out in the next hour and you have NO rights to fight him on this. Oh yes except for your couch 🤦‍♀️.

You earn a great salary btw, through your own hard work. More than enough to set yourself and your kids back up securely. Don’t let this man hinder you.

And don’t throw your money away on this shyster.

Nope nope nope.

He is using you. He can marry you or write a will leaving everything to you, or he can get stuffed.

The commission is the red herring here. Be clear to him - “DP, anything I earn above £3k each month is being transferred automatically into my private pension and savings. It’s not family money.” Then do it. Set up a private pension in your name with Vanguard or similar, with your children alone as beneficiaries. I see you’ve got a savings account - make sure it’s the kind where there’s a limit on money being taken back out (or get a second saving account like this). That’s your house/flat deposit savings, and can’t be touched until it’s reached X amount.

You can tell him you’re saving to buy a rental flat in your name, so you have an asset to leave your kids. In reality it can be your backup plan, too.

You earn a great salary btw, through your own hard work. More than enough to set yourself and your kids back up securely. Don’t let this man hinder you.

She’s contributing to his mortgage: ”This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills” - that’s sufficient to claim a beneficial interest although property renovations that contribute to the value at her expense also do.

OP doesn't want to ask for half the sofa money it's hers and she takes it with her when she moves out OP needs to stop flashing her cash and sort herself out.

He’s just trying to take all he can from you. Why would you pay more than him when he’s the one building up the asset? He doesn’t want you having spare money or helping yourself. Don’t carry this on. And if he’s not showing you the bills then I wouldn’t pay any of them. You have a right to see the bills you are paying.

What legal rights does lodging confer, Naunet? As far as I am aware, when you live with someone in their own home, they can ask you to leave at any time, for any reason, unless the two of you agree different terms.

You will really struggle to make any claim on the house unless you have paid money directly into the mortgage account.

if you are going to pay money towards the mortgage then ask for the mortgage account details for you to pay into - then there is a direct paper trail.

This absolutely this

If you’re paying half his mortgage you could claim a beneficial interest in his property in the long run so he’s an idiot as well as a miser.

He’s clearly moved you in to pay his mortgage, are you also doing his housekeeping? What’s in this for you?

this absolutely this

is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

That’s quite a weird thing to say and legally incorrect. She won’t have a claim to the property unless they get married. Things might be different if she paid for a new kitchen or extension or something like that. His lack of transparency is the problem here. He might say that half of the bills comes to £400 but I’d like you to pay £600 and then she can make an informed choice either way (bearing in mind private rental, plus bills would cost way more than this).

Thats really cherry picking one tiny part of this situation and nowhere has this man said he’s considering putting her on the mortgage anyway.

No you have no entitlement to his assets unless he makes a will. That would go to his dc. You might then need to contest for a share of the property. He might have assigned a death in service benefit over to you specifically. Tbh it all sounds potentially horribly messy and I'm not sure what benefit you are getting from the relationship. Do you look after all the dc while he drinks?

You are not married you are not on the mortgage or the deeds so you get nothing (if you have children together you would have a claim for their support). You are a fool to pay his mortgage in this situation. Sorry

Lodging does give legal rights, just not as many, and it’s also MUCH cheaper than renting, instead she’s paying more than 50% of everything and now he’s demanding even more. This is not a fair situation.

I’ve voted YABU but only because of the tremendously precarious financial situation you have put yourself and your children in. Don’t pay half his mortgage without getting some kind of agreement in place!