DP wants more money

'If she leaves now she would be homeless'.

That is a rather odd thing for her to say.

Yes, if she literally walks out with a suitcase in her hand.

But given she's just spent £4.5K on a sofa, she has (had) money which would be a deposit for a rental, which she might be able to find in a few weeks UNLESS she has a bad credit record and can't rent.

From what she has said, taking home between £2.5K- £4K a month, it seems odd she regards herself as 'homeless' if she were to leave.

I'd expect her bank to provide references to say she was able to afford to rent a home.

I don’t normally comment on threads like this, but OP you seem to be doing really well for yourself in your career, from a difficult background. Please don’t allow this man to drag you down. Stay for a bit if you really need to get your ducks in a row, but then leave and don’t look back.

It certainly is!

And if it were true, OP could just lie, say she'd seen it but can't remember the details, and claim half of his "empire".

He's a total tw@t.

He is v grabby, as you mentioned he said he could be mortgage free soon, and then asking you for more money, but not showing you the actual bills! The cheek!

What happened to your old marital home?

I would not be buying this man anymore big purchases for ‘his’ house, you are seeing his true colours. I would be making a plan to leave, with your earnings you can rent, and save each money to have a house deposit quite quickly. Make sure you get money for the sofa from him. Every time he chases you for more money, remind him of the money he owes you, and keep nagging! In future put your monthly earnings towards a house for you and your children, not paying off this man’s mortgage!

@Maplelady that's not "playing devil's advocate", that's just a tedious stab at what iffery. It isn't happening here so why try to pretend it is?

How old are DC? Honestly you need to raise the bar and put your children first. He drinks to much, isn't treating you fairly, you are not married and have no financial security. He clearly doesn't see you as an equal partner in this. Why would you put your kids (let alone yourself) into such a precarious, unhealthy situation. Even if you didn't know he was like that before you moved in, you know now. Honestly I find threads like this depressing. Although to be fair to him, if you have been able to clear huge debts you haven't done too badly out of the situation.

This should all be known to you, before you chose to make your kids live in your boyfriends property and expose yourselves to such risk. You need to secure housing for your kids. Forget your ‘darling partner’, if you must, just date him without dragging your kids into it.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Well a good starting point would be to stop telling him how much you earn 😬

I'd take advantage of half price living situation for a few more months, whack everything possible into my savings and buy a cheap property. Then get the hell out of there and away from the cheeky twat.

@Itsnotbeeneasy Do you have anything in writing from him to say you are paying half of his mortgage? If so back it up.

From now on when you make a payment label it ''50% bills and mortgage''; and get legal advice about this whole situation asap.

The faulty sofa btw - all in my name!!! Was £4.5k.

Bloody hell - was it made of gold? For ONE sofa? Did they see you coming?

And how the hell can he say that if he died tomorrow, it would all be yours? If this isn't in a legal document then he's talking bullshit. Flags, flags, flags all the way - get rid (you can probably add 'liar' to his list of attributes).

He's using you like a bank account. What's in it for you, exactly? As things stand at the moment, it looks like you have no protection (even more worryingly, neither have your kids). What are you even thinking of? It's just nuts that anyone would leave themselves so vulnerable, especially with kids.

Sorry to say this, if your partner dies you will be homeless his property will go to his nxt of kin, which will be unless hes stated otherwise will be his children.
Maybe go into trust until they are of age via his solicitors.

If you can PROVE you pay half of everything you do have a claim on his property if you split up.

Think i would be very concerned why hes checking up on all this legal stuff.
Stop telling him how much you are earning.

I also think get your savings whacked up save every penny you can, tell him youve had a few bad months, get your self sorted ASAP.

What would he say if you said ive had a really bad month and can not afford to pay what i usually pay only half?
His reply should tell you all you need to know!

Your ex obviously kept you in the dark about his debts and you ended up paying them off and losing your home. Your current partner is being greedy, getting you to pay more.

If you’re determined to stay and furnish his house for free for him, at least ask to see how much the actual bills are!

If what she is paying each month is less than it would be to rent and pay bills on her own place and is able to save I would look at this as a mutually beneficial arrangement. He gets free childcare and a lot of his bills paid and op gets a roof over her and her children’s heads and the ability to save.

I would when she gets all her ducks in a row start to send £1 per month till the sofa has been paid for with the title of the payment Household(mortgage+Utilities)-sofa payment.

For as long as she can before he kicks her out.

The only reason he doesn't show you the bills is because you are already paying more than half of those and his mortgage. He wants you to offer to pay an even higher figure so he can profit even further from you.

He's not a partner, he's a leech trying to extract as much as possible from you.

The word "partner" has a specific meaning. You don't have one. What you have is a roommate who is taking financial advantage of you.

Fair point, so either she does so, or better still stops paying and leaves.

I wouldn’t rely on him going halves with you on anything. I think he sees what you are earning and knows you are saving and wants to keep you in your place by spending your money

Think about where your high salary this month has gone (on a £4.5k sofa) which I don’t think you will see his share

I can’t understand why you paid for something (anything) that you will never get your money back. Even if he paid £2250 how would you split the sofa when you leave

Essentially despite your high months salary you spent more than you earned.

I think you need to look at everything you spend your money on and ask yourself whether something is an appreciating or depreciating asset or an essential
And can you afford to leave any asset behind if you leave.
Just to give you a comparison, our sofa which was hardly used and in pristine condition came from FBMP and cost £110. I have never spent more than £200 on a sofa. Always 2nd hand and never had anything but pristine and hardly used. My first sofa lasted 20years. It went down the tip when we moved as ddog had pulled it apart and used it as a chew toy and it wasn’t worth the money to keep it in storage between houses

Also if he’s being secretive about household bills (to get more cash out of you), why are you telling him when you get bonuses!

Your ex ripped you off financially and so is this dude!

Some of the mortgage that’s being paid will be paying off the capital sum, not just the interest, which means when the mortgage term is over he will own the house, and you will own 0% of the house. Therefore, he should be paying more mortgage if you see what I mean as only he should be paying off the capital sum as it’s for an asset he will fully own one day.

Ok, I think the real reason he doesn’t want you to know the actual mortgage and utilities costs (and what interest rate he’s paying, whether it’s been fixed for a while and how much he still owes), but he likes to know when you get a pay rise or can save up is because he’s ripping you off financially (especially if you take into account he’s getting a free housekeeper and child minder)

time to leave now.
that is unfair to pay more than half the bills n mortgage.
I would rather pay rent but not contribute to his mortgage, IMO.

Why has he got access to your financial information but you don’t have access to his?

This is a joke, you need to get this all hammered out right now or leave, because you are being made a mug of.

You're just a flatmate with generous benefits, OP.

Buying a sofa costing that much was a daft thing to do- but as others have said, give no more money until his half is paid off. Get your ducks in a row and get out of there.

“Hey partner, I’d really like for us to sit down and have a bit of a financial plan for the future. When I first moved in I was happy temporarily to pay half of the mortgage/bills etc so that we could all live together. Now that this is a permanent long-term relationship we need to have a chat about how to make this relationship mutually fair. Right now we are both paying into the living costs, but whilst you are building asset/equity, I am building nothing. You know this is obviously unfair for the long-term and leaves me very vulnerable. So let’s have a chat about what we can do going forwards - maybe you could rent out your house and we could buy a new house to live in together in both our names. Or maybe we could continue living in this house (with me paying less) and I buy a small property in my name as a BLT? What do you suggest?”

Well what’s the point of your reply? Yes, he isn’t transparent which I’ve already pointed out upthread. And I’ve already stated she should be seeing the bills??

However, she can also start looking at making better decisions of her own which is a valid point.

No savings and buying a 4.5K sofa especially without getting half upfront?

She said if she were to leave now she’d be homeless, if she starts making smarter decisions she can more quickly get herself into a position to leave if that’s what she wants and to avoid being duped in the future for a third time by yet another man.

For e.g.

"DP and his two kids moved into my house 2.5 years ago. I have two kids and a large chunk of equity in my house." DP guesstimated half of the bills and mortgage and pays that amount to me every month. I've furnished and decorated the entire house but there's obviously a lot more wear and tear now. DH bought an outrageously expensive sofa that I don't want but he guilted me into saying that I would pay half. Thankfully the monstrosity turned out to be faulty so it's going back.

I'm very anxious about my financial future and security for me and my kids after an awful divorce. I don't want him to have a financial share in my house and he is living much cheaper than he could renting on his own. I mentioned to DP that as he is earning a lot more than me he could pay a slightly higher proportion of the bills. He eats a lot more than me and likes the heating on all day. It would also take into account cost of future repairs and maintenance. AIBU?"

I'm NOT saying her P is reasonable, just that women are, understandably and quite rightly given the benefit of the doubt on MN.