To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

Sorry to hear that but that is one experience.

I've advised Op to contact them to ask for advice. It will be logged on the system. If there is a problem (which I sincerely hope there isn't) surely it is better to ask for help on how to manage the situation?

Abuse goes under the radar because concerns get dismissed. That bruise on the arm, the cut on the face, the subdued child, Healthcare professionals are now taught to actively look for and report any concerns however small.

Op, facts are:

1. she isn't step mum. Your DH has only known her 18 months. Would most women on here be happy with a friend, neighbour, colleague they'd only known 18 months bathing their child for no apparent reason? No.
2. her own sons are 15 and 12 weren't home and neither was your DH and there was no messy play - even if she hadn't bathed the night before surely it's something her dad would have known was happening (they'd have discussed her bathing DD the next morning)
3. there's plenty of mums with no sense of boundaries. It's not always abuse but it's inappropriate. My friend's mum insisted on being present when she would bathe right until she was 16. Never touched her but just watched to make sure she was doing it right and it was still creepy. She is NC with her mum at 30. Her mum wasn't a pervert but she had lost control of her life with an abusive ex so wanted control of her daughter's life.
4. you mentioned there was abuse in her family or allegations of it with her ex - do you have the details? Such situations can cause families to lose touch with what's normal and boundaried

Talk to her and ask why DD needed a bath midday? It's not accusatory but it does need an explaination. Best case there really was a need and she did a good thing. Worst case you can explain how you'd prefer DD was bathed with her dad knowing only.

I agree with this, a year really isn’t a long time at all. And if they’ve known this woman a year, then did they meet her straight away? I find that irresponsible. Why do relationships have to go at warp speed these days?

I would feel very stressed out if my daughter came home saying the gf had bathed her in the middle of the day, without dad present, for seemingly no need. I would be asking ex for a chat for some clarity and about boundaries and expectations surrounding new partners.

That's a whole different thing.

I'd just like to add to this that we were in a similar position, albeit a lot worse and with touching genitals involved but social care and the police weren't interested unfortunately. We were considered as being malicious by reporting it so I would err on the side of caution with this as nothing concerning or pointing to abuse has been disclosed.

Her sons are 15 and 12. I really hope she isn't bathing them. And remembers that at 7 they could bathe themselves.

I thought OP confirmed she didn't think it was abuse?

With calls like this, the real problems get overlooked. Dreadful.

Oh come on. There's girly things that can be done that don't involve getting a child naked..

Op, you could always ring the child safeguarding team at your local Council for advice on how to handle this. Child safeguarding is a very hot topic in NHS and social care. They will take your concerns seriously and will probably be more helpful than a bunch of randoms on the internet.

When sexual abuse to children happens it is usually gradual and by people they know who gain their trust. It is generally assumed that women don't do this because they are seen to be the nurturing caregivers. DO NOT assume that a woman would not abuse a child.

There is the chance that the dad could have asked his partner to bath the 7 year old due to him being out and not having time.

Maybe just pop a text to the ex asking him to let you know if he has done bathtime next time save you wasting water

Maybe the child hadn't had a bath the night before, for a variety of reasons and the SM thought " she had better have a bath, or else her mother is going to have a go about the child being dirty/smelly in our care". Everyone else was out, no danger of the bath being interrupted by someone wanting the toilet. SM got on with the job of making sure the child didn't go telling mum "I haven't had a bath at all at dad's".

Checking with who?

@MzHz

Maybe they just couldn't be bothered to bath DD the night before and wanted to make sure she was clean before returning home. If they don't have her the majority of the time they are unlikely to have a set routine with her.

Also, I hate to burst your bubble but a mother is far more likely to inappropriately abuse their children then the step mother/or girlfriend.

@MzHz how far does the DF can only parent the children go? If they're doing something dangerous and DSM sees that, she turns a blind eye, if they're misbehaving and ruining her things, she turns a blind eye?

Be careful what you wish for..

I wouldnt bathe my Dsis 7 year old without checking first.

She is NOT a SM. She met him 18 months ago and OP is still married to him!

I think, on reflection, she is trying to be too familiar and rush/push things.
Not necessarily sinister but definitely odd and inappropriate.

My guess is she thought it’d be a nice “girly” thing to do together? She has two sons. Maybe she thought doing hair etc would be a nice thing to do together.

Erm.. while probability leans towards agreeing with you, you are aware that it’s not only men who take advantage of situations with young children.

@IcyCat was collecting at teatime, so late afternoon/very early evening at latest. No need at all to be bathed so early. THAT is why I think it’s weird and unnecessary

and that’s why this unsettles me.

@IcyCat I’d chat with your ex, explain that it’s really not necessary (or wanted) that the kids have baths at her house unless they need it or are staying over. Moreover perhaps even say that you’d prefer HE does the work involved in caring for his kids. It’s not appropriate for her to bath the kids alone and in the middle of the afternoon.

I don't think I would bring it up. She isn't a randomer, she is a mother and she is living in the same house as your dd for part of the week. She seems to be a good stepmother and I would not rock the boat. She made sure your dd's hair was clean etc - although I can see that it is difficult and feels odd for you, completely understandably, I think overall it sounds like the woman is doing a good job of caring for your dd - especially given your ex had gone to football.

If the child had been there for two days and hadn't had a bath she may well have needed one. If she hadn't had one for two days before that, she may have needed one more. Perhaps the girlfriend just didn't want her to go home smelly. Perhaps the family had a lazy morning or had popped on yesterday's clothes in the morning. Perhaps the girlfriend's dc have nits and the gf wanted a quick comb through.

All it shows to me is that the step mother is caring and interested in the child's welfare.

I understand how this can seem weird. It was day time, daddy wasn't in the house. Daddy didn't even know. I'd definitely bring it .

This!! Honestly stop looking for things to moan about and be happy that your DD has someone in her life that cares!

Also, what age are the step-mum's kids and were they also having a bath too?

If she has younger kids, she might not realise what is age-appropriate for a 7yo. In the past, I've definitely been guilty of babying a friend's older DC and offering help where it wasn't needed because the child is small for their age and the same size as my (2 years younger) DC who did need the help. And if other kids were also having a bath, it makes more sense than if it was just your DC.