Who's being unreasonable - me or him?

So this was never discussed in the 5 years you were together when making the arrangements to move in together.

Completely bizarre.

Definitely YABU.

Well not unreasonable to decide you don’t want to live with other people’s children, but in that case don’t do so.

You are unreasonable to agree to set up home with a man that has children and then announce that they need to move out at 18. If he is a good man, he will move out with his children tomorrow and end this relationship.

How are you surprised that he lost the plot at this? 🤷‍♀️ I would never look at you in the same light again.

You are massively unreasonable sorry.

It's fine if you don't want to live with your partner and their children though because of your autism, but live seperetly then. Ask him to move out with his kids. Doesn't mean you have to break up to live seperetly. Trying to kick his children out at 18 is awful.

I would never make my kids move out as soon as they turn 18. They'll be welcome as long as they need. Sounds like he feels the same. Are you sure you'll make your own kids move out full time at 18 like you're asking him to?

If I were your DP and you said this about my child, it would be over for me. Immediately.

Not that you're unreasonable for saying how you truly feel, because at least everyone is being honest. But that's a deal-breaker in my eyes.

YABU I am afraid. Obviously not thought through before you agreed for partner to move in .

Oh wow, yes YABU and quite hurtful with it.

being upset over spending more time with his children than your own is nonsensical. If his kids weren’t there you still wouldn’t be spending that time with your own children.

Can you say that you’d be happy if your BF said the same thing to your children? Who owns the actual bricks and mortar is almost beside the point presuming you both decided to live together; I don’t know many parents who would be happy to cut their kids completely loose at 18 and plenty of adults who still benefit from a solid base should they need it provided by their parents.

If you’re really struggling with the set up then I think your BF is right to end things. The relationship can only continue if there’s an acceptance of really hurting other people and it’s actually quite nice to read of a father who finds this unacceptable.

Lots of things I don’t understand here.

1. You have been involved for a long time. Why has he moved in recently? What changed?
2. You know each other well. Why wasn’t this potential issue discussed before he and his DC moved in?
3. Why would it have to mean the end of the relationship if he isn’t living with you? You were presumably happy before he moved in.

Regardless, this situation clearly isn’t working for you and you have every right to ask them to leave your house.

Your feelings aren’t going to go away. I think it best that you separate and your DP and his kids move out.

FWIW I would never move into a blended household with children or have anyone with children move in with me. However, you can’t expect the 18 year olds to be the adults in a family just because they are 18. You and your DP have really messed up here.

Do your partner a favour and end the relationship because all you're doing is wasting his time. You do not value his kids, you do not see them as a part of your family, and they deserve to live in a home where they feel secure and welcome.

You are being so unreasonable !

you should end the relationship but if your partner has any severe he’ll do that anyway over this.

He needs to leave you, he can't just say job done when his child is 18.

YABU unless you are also kicking your own kids out on their 18th birthdays. But I don’t agree with kicking children out exactly on their birthdays either.

If I was your DP I’d say exactly what he said clearly you don’t like his children (you’ve more or less said you don’t want them living in your house) and you should have never moved DP in! I’d be breaking up with you too because I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who forced even their kids out the door at 18 especially with CoL, rent rates etc.

I wish you had left the YABU/YANBU poll up so you could see, in black and white, how unreasonable you are in this.

You say that you are feeling increasingly uncomfortable about his kids being there, and that you have issues being with your partner's kids more than your own. You don't mention any specific problems or concerns with them. So, is it that you just didn't want his kids to move in with you in the first place? But you presumably must have known that your partner and kids were a package deal?

It isn't your partner's (or his kids') fault that you have to have 50:50 custody of your own kids with your ex. It's sad that you've experienced something traumatic, but that isn't their fault and it isn't fair to suddenly spring this consequence of your discomfort on them. Your partner presumably thought that you had agreed to them all moving in, that you wanted this and were happy. And now you are insisting on a future date when his kids will be forced to leave.

I agree with your partner - you can't say that to a child (and it doesn't matter that you're apparently planning to wait until his 18th birthday to say, "congrats, you're a man now! Get out of my house!"). You have no idea what the kids' situation will be at 18 years old. They might have medical problems, they might have failed exams and need to resit, they might decide to get a job but need time to build up money for rent/furniture etc before they move out. Or maybe they will simply want to spend longer at home with family that love them? If you would offer that to your own kids, but not his, then he is right to consider ending your relationship.

Yep. However, op may not have known this is how they'd react. We all make mistakes 🤷‍♀️

You really shouldn’t have moved in together. It sounds like you knew his son would be there full time, more than your own are, and that it would be difficult.

It also sounds like pretty basic stuff wasn’t discussed properly. Accept his decision if he wants to split up and acknowledge he’s been massively put out by having to move again!

I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and DP was making your DCs move out. Legally 18 is an adult but let’s be real, these days adult children live with their parents way longer. Again, will you be making your DC move out at 18 because “they’re adults and I had to move out at 18”.
Why don’t they move in with their mum? So throughout their childhood your DP has paid little or no child maintenance as he has them 50% of the time or more… then as soon as they turn 18 and leave education their mother has to then take them in. Very convenient. And very unfair.
No- you don’t have to accept them living with you but DP and children come as a package and you shouldn’t have let him move in to begin with.
Break up now. This situation can’t work and if anyone was asking me to choose between them and my children (which is what you are indirectly doing) then I’d choose my children every single time.

You have the right to decide who you live with.

He has the right to decide that is not acceptable for him and leave you.

Most parents would be on his side, particularly as there doesn't seem to be anything the child has done.

I’m also autistic and 100% behind your partner here. I think he needs to move out now and then assess whether your relationship has a future but if it does, it won’t be with the two of you cohabiting.

You can’t possibly expect your DP to agree that his son moves out at 18 and I’m not surprised that he feels like this might be the end of your relationship

Sorry OP but YABU. What an awful thing to put a deadline on his child moving out and i suspect you would never do the same to yours.
If a partner of mine said this to me I would leave them there and then. Children always come first.

You're being absolutely fucking ridiculous and completely unreasonable, but given it's your house, you can be as unreasonable as you want to be, you just have to live with the consequences.

Do everyone a favour and don't ever have anyone move in again. You have played a very dirty trick on your soon-to-be ex-partner.

Exactly this. My eldest is in university, but living at home. My middle child has gone away to uni but terms are only 24 weeks in total, she's often home at weekends and she is here more often than she's not. Saying to kids "out the door at 18" is very harsh and not normal at all. I "left home" for uni at 18 but was back and forwards from term time address to my home address until I graduated, and the summer after that, and then really only properly left when I got my first job in the september after graduating. most of my friends were just the same.

If he's NOT going to uni - which is fine - it's going to take a while of working and saving and building a credit rating until he's in a position to rent somewhere.

It’s completely understandable to be upset that you’re spending more time with his children than yours but you choose to move in with him, you understood that this would happen.
It is pretty unfair to expect him to tell his children to leave at 18, I would assume then that you will also do the same? If you’re both contributing equally to the bills etc then you can’t expect his children to leave and yours to stay.

I appreciate your past trauma but you need to try put that aside from this relationship if you genuinely want this relationship to work.
Its okay to feel the way you feel but it’s also okay for him to fight for his children.