To think it’s crap for the non-invited kids when party invites are handed out at school?

I may not have known the names of everyone in my kids’ classes, or their parents. Nor would I have policed the invitations. But I’m self aware enough to know that you send electronic invites, or invite the entire class.

If you are so checked out of your child’s life how on earth will you be able to guide them to make good decisions about anything? That is pretty basic when it comes to parenting younger children. Your indifference sounds like a badge of honor.

This, all day long.

Mostly parents were very thoughtful - big shared parties with everyone invited or small things with 3 or 4 invited. Worked well.

Apart from one who invited most but not all the girls then turned up at the school gates on party day with balloons etc to collect the party kids. It was so awkward and put too much focus on the kid herself too. Everyone lived locally so could easily have the kids go round later.

Disappointment is a fact of life. Whole class parties just end up being unsustainable as the kids want to do more than just leap about on an inflatable at the council leisure centre.

When I've asked my kids about not getting an invite for a party it usually emerges that the birthday child is someone they either don't have much to do with or in the odd case actively don't get on with anyway. Sure it can be disappointing but it is not unexpected nor done with malice.

I feel we just need to get a grip and show our children that we can act reasonably when things don't happen as we like. Banning kids from handing out party invites does not feel like showing that. We are raising a bunch of children who are not learning how to handle disappointment in a mature and controlled way.

Ours are out in book bags not handed out so the children are often not aware until they get home which means those not invited don't know.

My dcs' school has banned sweets / cakes on birthdays! It was because they're unhealthy, because some people can't afford extra sweets for every child in the class and because some children cannot eat the sweets due to allergies / dietary restrictions.

I think what triggered the ban may have been when one (well meaning but silly) parent sent in a full share bag of cheap sweets for every child in the class. My dd came home with fake werther originals for example, but a whole big bag, like one my grandad kept in his car to have one or two of on car journeys.

Anyway, I'm glad they've stopped it. They celebrate in class instead with a song or something and no sweets. It was getting silly. So many sweets for such little children!

Edited to say this^^ is in response to @CammyChameleon. At least there were never any playground spats over sweets...AFAIK anyway!

I disagree entirely. I have raised my children to accept they won’t like everyone, nor will everyone like them and that is fine. We will always remain civil and polite regardless of differences. It’s neither civil nor polite to invite 97% of the class and leave out a few children. It’s totally unacceptable.

This to me, and certainly in my circles, would be considered unacceptably rude and inappropriate.

The point of this thread is the very opposite of nurturing inclusivity, kindness and tolerance values. I am not sure what your actual point is.

Fortunately we haven’t had this experience, but we have seen it repeatedly over the years, and the consequences follow later as the child raised to disregard the feelings of others becomes isolated eventually, unable to form straight forward, honest, trustworthy friendships.

Parents that behave like this are setting themselves up for bigger problems later on - and I always judge parents that hurt other children - I am suitably wary of their motives and character after such a move, my first choice being total avoidance if possible, same for 99% of my friends. We are watching.

These types are generally not very nice people to have around. Behaviour like this is usually based in chronic insecurity or over indulgence. Both have negative outcomes for their offspring, and as a result not something we would look for in friends. Children need guidance to make good decisions sometimes.

Yes I hate it, shouldn't be allowed in schools. I know some schools don't allow it anymore. It's always a deliberate move by a wannabe queen bee parent, it takes a certain type.

There's a tradition (though not all partake) in DCs' school of kids bringing in cupcakes or sweets for the class to have at the end of the day on their birthdays.

One kid in reception class brought in sweets, but only for her best friends. Cue a load of 4 and 5 year olds coming out the gate crying and a blow out row between her mum and another mum. One mum was bundled into the classroom by the teachers, the headmaster called down, and the rest of the reception classes let out the other door so they could avoid the scene.

All over some fucking Haribo FFS.

I refused to let mine invite all bar a couple of boys. When they were older they invited only a few, but in the younger years we invited all the boys. It is unbelievably cruel to leave 2 or 2 out. Have a cheaper party if necessary but invite them all.

That is appalling - I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. How unbelievably awful.

It’s upsetting but realistically not every kid is going to invite everyone and some kids don’t like other kids and don’t want to invite them. I remember telling my DD we had to invite x person as they’d invited her. Glad those days are over

You can't force anybody to be your friend.

Life is like that. You win some, you lose some.😗

A big problem I've found is parents who don't invite children if they don't know the parents well. This happened to my dd...it's actually really difficult because even if the child is popular and works to build friendships, it ends up meaning nothing when party invites come around

Nonsense. It’s not traumatic to learn as a child that not everyone likes you, just as you don’t like everyone, and that, subject to being reasonably civil when in proximity, this is ok.

That’s the kind of thing parents should be modelling for their children, as well as healthy, enjoyable, mutually nurturing friendships, where there are. But Mn contains an unrepresentative number of posters who struggle with friendships, and see ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ everywhere. They often seem to project their unresolved childhood feelings onto their children.

Completely agree

We all find this out eventually, but most of us don’t want our dc to know this too early in life. It takes away the lovely innocence that we live in a safe and kind place.

It’s shit but not everyone gets invited, and not all people are nice or kind is something that needs to be learned.
Make sure your DD knows it’s not her - it’s probably the parents doing or maybe the birthday girl. But it’s just the way it is.
Accept it and move on.

Only parents completely lacking in emotional intelligence hand out invites at school publicly if the whole class isn’t invited. Anyone with a half a brain would know that it would hurt feelings of uninvited children.

It is true that children need to experience disappointment etc etc but if I went into work and handed out invites to an adult party in front of the whole office but didn’t invite a handful of colleagues, everyone would quite rightly think I was a total arse.

I agree

Yanbu op, this isn't ok. Yes not all kids are invited but then as a parent you arrange this discreetly. Even though kids will talk, it's not in your face. At our previous school there were a few group parties which was discreetly arranged. Ds was around 6 then, and I told him he was not to speak about him being invited at school. We then discussed how other might feel and it made him think, as well as think about if he might not be invited too.

I'm so sorry this happened. People are truly vile. I'm glad that your ds has found his tribe and is happy now.

I have a 7yo and we are still doing whole class parties. Awful to leave out children at this age. Our parties are all arranged on the class WhatsApp group through the parents. I'm surprised kids are doing the invites at this age.