AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

@Waytogoidaho And if this point happens, she downloads everything, and he has nothing to offer, and they're three hours into an eight hour drive plus the rest of the weekend?

With the relationship basically over but they can't get away from each other?

Hideous idea. Really, really bad.

I wouldn't be having the conversation on the way up to Scotland - potentially ruining your trip away. Id be having it on the way home if anything. BUT his actions tell you that he isnt interested in any resolution or accountability for what he did.

He doesnt care about you enough. I would be removing myself from that relationship. Im all about actions not words.

I think the best, and only, way for you to approach this, because you can’t force anyone to talk, is to use the time together for you to pour out your feelings. Explain how his past indiscretions have made you doubt his commitment & how hard it’s been for you to build trust - everything you’ve said here. Don’t hold him to ransom, just speak with honesty & clarity, but tell him what you need from a relationship & what you would like the future to look like. If after all of that he STILL gives you nothing back, well, you can make a decision on whether you truly want a relationship with someone who cannot access his feelings & share them with you. I know what I’d choose. Good luck!

@RockyRogue1001 I COMPLETELY disagree with this post.

Some of the best conversations I have with people is in the car.
This also applies to awkward conversations.

I agree, I have also had great conversation about sensitive topics in the car, but they happened naturally. In this situation OP is suggesting to bring back a topics that she knows will cause upset, it's a bad idea.

Have you been able to leave him on his own again?

I don’t think while someone is driving is the best time to start a contentious conversation or think deeply about your future. Concentrate on driving.

If I was stuck in a car with someone who insisted discussing something they knew I didn’t want to talk about, I would see they are manipulative and controlling and think much less of them.

If you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t like talking about the future be with someone who does instead of trying to make them be who you think they should be because that’s what would suit you better.

That’s a lot of hard work when someone you would be compatible with might be just around the corner

I think it's a terrible idea, mainly because one of you will be driving and distracted, and since it's a forced discussion and you are both likely to be upset.

The more you try to push for it, the more he will close. Neither of you are unreasonable, but I think you need someone neutral to lead the discussion. I think suggesting therapy now and again is your best shot.
But you could suggest that if he isn't comfortable with couple therapy, he should try seeing the therapist on his own. That should definitely help him if there is something wrong he is struggling to talk about.

Ultimately from an outsider perspective I would say that his behaviour reminds me of someone who wants out of the relationship, but cares a lot for their partner and feels guilty about it. He is trying to brush it under the carpet not to hurt you.

Please don't continue to flog a dead horse until your self-esteem is utterly ruined.

He can't or won't give you what you need. And what you need is not unreasonable- communication is pretty important in relationships!

This one sounds dead in the water. There are better men out there. Also being single would be preferable to the heartbreak of just wanting your partner to see and hear you - but they don't.

I narrowly avoided a load of misery with one like this - we were engaged. Fast forward a few years and I am married to someone else. Somebody who actually wants to talk to me and listen to me!

If he can’t talk about the future of your relationship after seven years, then yes. You’re flogging a dead horse, and it’s beyond time to leave. I suspect you’re already in the sunk cost fallacy, as you say he used to be “tender and sweet” but he’s been this version that won’t share his emotions or talk to you for a while. Honestly, I would just assume he has cheated. This “I was just looking, but realized it was a mistake” thing is starting to get old and wear quite thin. Good luck, OP. I think you could easily find someone who would communicate with and appreciate you; it’s not too much to ask.

Yes. Do you need to go to Scotland with him?

Why have you stayed with him when he acts like this and won't talk to you? Send him off in the car and tell him not to bother coming back

If you can't talk to him at home where you both live, in the car is not going to be better. The issue is that he is not interested in meeting your emotional needs in the car or anywhere else.

It's a terrible idea. Trapped together for hours in an uncomfortable silence?

To sum up what many others have said, do you really want to be in a relationship where you can only talk to your partner if he's trapped with you for a long period of time?

Definitely DONT raise it in the car with him.

So he is emotionally unavailable.
And gets angry when discussing emotions.

Discussing emotions with an angry person on a long car journey to Scotland where they cannot escape and are effectively cornered is a terrible idea.

And a sure fire way to ruin your valentines evening.

I agree you need to speak to him about this, but not tomorrow on a long car journey.

This sums it up perfectly, your attitude would drive me insane

I am not saying that to have a go I genuinely would mean it, if it happened to me

Excellent advice here. You deserve better than this.

It's time you accept the fact that this man will never be capable of giving you what you need. You've already wasted so much time, and for what, it's hard to imagine.

I have a rule with my husband that anything that needs to be discussed - never in the car

It's a conversation for a journey back home so any trip isn't ruined or awkward, is that possible?

You could have a great conversation due to the dynamics as stated in other posts but what is that he could actually say that would be acceptable? His depression sounds more like neediness, no one to pander to him so he seeks the easiest method but fails - intent is what's important here.

I know it's all too easy to throw an LTB around but what are you gaining from this relationship? Does he value you or is he a bit of a prick?

Car journeys can work for recalcitrant teens. They work because the lack of eye contact, noise level, motion - whatever it is adds up to them being more receptive and able to open up up in that environment. Somehow it takes to pressure off.

However it's a terrible idea to insist on it with a partner "because he's trapped". It's completely missing the point and it could even be dangerous if he is driving.

Keep the music down low, broach the subject very tentatively. Only proceed if he is receptive, and essentially consenting to have the conversation.

Also bear in mind the potential outcomes. I once endured a plane flight next to 2 people who started it as a a couple and ended it as exes. Bluntly how will the rest of this trip feel if you break up midway?!

I think being in the car (both of you looking at the road ahead/things all around/NOT at each other is a GREAT time to spontaneously bring things up.

I completely agree that the geography of car-chats is perfect. But 8+ hours in the car with a sulky resentful man who you tried to have a conversation with and he didn't want to... <shudder>

Maybe compromise and bring it up an hour from your destination, OP.

How old are you both? Tbh after 7 years I think you’re flogging a dead horse. He’s disengaged and emotional illiterate, you’re bitter and resentful. Don’t you think if it had a future you’d be able to have a normal conversation about it without waiting till he’s stuck in a car with you for hours?

I love you, Mrs Terry P, but I don't totally agree with this.

I think being in the car (both of you looking at the road ahead/things all around/NOT at each other is a GREAT time to spontaneously bring things up.

You have to be prepared to drop the conversation, but it's a great conversation starter, and one that DOESN'T have to be pre-planned

This sounds like a truly terrible idea. He’ll either say what you want to hear to get you off his back or get in a mood and the journey will be awful.

TBH I am not sure why you’re still there. It sounds like you’re at best incompatible, but at worst he’s a controlling manipulative cheat (really- one girls weekend sent him into that kind of spiral?). I’d be taking some time apart rather than going to Scotland.

You need to think hard about what this man has done.

You going away for two bloody days supposedly triggered his depression because his mates weren't available?

He then decides to punish you for daring to go away by looking elsewhere.

He was/is conditioning you to behave.

Have you stopped going away with your friends now op so he will stay and not cheat?

Get rid of him, rebuild your self esteem and be happy instead of in this sad limbo.
He's doing it on purpose.