AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

You will both be trapped in the car on a long journey. The worst time EVER to start up a conversation like this.

I personally don't think you can really know or understand someone who can't tolerate talking about 'difficult' things. I don't think you can have true intimacy where there is a lack of vulnerability.

It sounds like you want to get to the root cause of what happened, possibly to be certain him 'looking elsewhere' won't happen again?

Seeking dopamine hits from people who aren't your partner (or booze, drugs, gambling, etc) during dark times is really common. The issue is, unless the person that is feeling low understands their emotions, where they come from, the problematic behaviour they can cause, AND put measures in place to circumvent that, it just happens over and over again. Unless they're impossibly lucky and never have anything stressful happen to them again!

Emotional literacy is something people have to get skilled in so they can be truly stable.

I wouldn't trust him after his infedelity if he isn't prepared to work on his emotional literacy, and I would be bored by the lack of vulnerability and true intimacy.

You are very unreasonable to bring up this conversation up on a long journey. It’s a very serious conversation and you obviously want both of you be focused on it however the focus while driving should be on the road. This conversation would be a very big distraction. Please don’t do this for the safety of other road users.

The only hope in this situation seems to be to have a counsellor supporting you two to communicate but you have tried this already and it failed. Forget how he 'used to be' and focus on how he is now. Is this what you want? Clearly not. You've spent 7 years together but that doesn't mean it has to continue. I think you need to plan your exit instead, but not tonight unless you want to blow up this trip.

What spacepotato and everyone says. I wouldn’t raise it in the car but I would leave and find a relationship that works. With a man who can talk about things, doesn’t cheat and doesn’t blame you going on a girls weekend for his spiraling into depression. Break free.

Read this @LovingZelda

Only if the conversation is how you are going to delay with the logistics of splitting up.

This is going nowhere.

“he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere”

he felt uncertain about the future of your relationship. So he became depressed + started to look elsewhere.

but he refuses to engage in conversations about the future of your relationship.

he won’t go to therapy. He thinks you should be over it.

This man is not the man for you.

I suspect it feels huge because you have invested 7 years in this. But unless he actively seeks change himself, he’s not going to. It will hurt in the short term, but I am certain that medium + long term you will be happier without him

Hmmm.

I think you essentially want your boyfriend to be a person that he is simply not.

His behaviour over your girls’ weekend etc was absolutely awful - I’m not defending him for that (in fact, that would have been the end of the relationship for me).

However, just looking at the ‘not talking’ thing, I have to say that if someone kept trying to make me have emotional conversations about the future of our relationship, and also expected me to attend counselling with them when I wasn’t comfortable with that, I would be wanting to walk away. If I’ve repeatedly told someone that things are fine, I probably genuinely do not have anything more to say. And I also don’t think you can expect someone to engage with counselling when they don’t want to be there. Counselling is obviously something that you find helpful but he might find it to be torture, and it almost feels like you’re expecting him to go through it as a punishment for hurting you. It’s understandable that you feel that way, but at the same time, it’s absolutely not a healthy basis for counselling as a couple.

If you have this conversation on a long car journey, I don’t think you can expect it to go well and resolve anything. There’s a good chance you’ll end up getting frustrated and overwrought and he’ll just feel trapped and inadequate and you’ll then arrive at your destination hating each other and have a horribly tense time.

I don’t lack sympathy for you but ultimately this man does not make you happy and you can’t make him into someone that will. You aren’t right for each other.

You are in a relationship with a robot. If he can’t and doesn’t want to talk about feelings and you’ve made it clear you want to then you either put up and shut up or leave.

Another for this is a terrible idea. There is a time and a place for bringing up difficult conversations, trapped in a car on a long journey for what is supposed to be a lovely time away is not the time nor the place. Even IF he did talk to you about it during the car ride, and I think that is doubtful, it will taint the next 2 days.

Use the car ride to think about what you want and the 2 days to really connect and have fun. Then an hour from home on the way back bring it up (if you must).

He will feel trapped and manipulated if you bring it up on the way there, not good for an open and d meaningful conversation.

Sunk cost fallacy? It's clear it's time to get out, but do you feel like you need "something to show for" the last 7 years?

You shouldn't feel like this in a loving relationship. Please do what is right for you.

Why are you going away when quite obviously investing any more time, money and effort is a complete waste?
He cannot give you what you want or need.
Time to move on I'm afraid.

Oh dear.

This relationship should have ended when he was an arse about you going away with your friends; or when he tried 'looking elsewhere'; or when he refused counselling.

This is the very epitome of flogging a dead horse.

He thinks about cheating while you're away on a girls weekend? FFS

If you stay with this prick don't ever go into hospital.

Seriously, get rid.

To quote another poster on another thread recently: relationships shouldn't be this hard. Just leave him.

She's going to do it anyway. Such a bad idea

I really hope OP's not going to drop in that they are going to Gretna Green to get hitched.

Please don’t do it in the car on a long drive! It’s dangerous for you and other road users.

What do you see as necessary for your “recovery”? Dwell on that on the drive, certainly, and discuss calmly once back.

This. Send him to Scotland on his own and end it.

I wouldn't broach this in the car.

Because either he'll condition you further to accept this shite and this will happen again soon.

Or you'll argue which is dangerous anyway but you'll end up there both angry and have a shite time and then have to do the drive home.

Everything you've said here indicates an unbalanced relationship which you aren't happy in. You can't talk someone into changing. You have to accept who someone is and make the best decision for you.

I'd leave.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere

This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you or has any respect for you.

It's a pathetic attempt at controlling you and to stop you ever going away again.

Exactly my thoughts he’s a wanker

Don’t waste another 7 years with this hopeless specimen.

Agree with all of this.

I can have general chats when i'm driving but wouldn't want to attempt anything deep or emotional as i prefer to concentrate on driving. I'd be pretty fed up if my partner tried to force a conversation like that because i was 'trapped' in the car. And in your case if it blows up you're in for a very miserable journey (or a booting out at the next services).