AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

There is something in this.
I think car convos are great if the other person is OK with them
But your partner is not OP.
And 8 hours is a LONG time.

You'll be out of the home environment in Scotland. Maybe take him to a cafe there and say can we talk about this? That way he won't feel trapped but if he refuses anyway - you will have a clearer idea of where you stand.
After all. you've tried talking at home, you've tried talking in couples therapy and if this doesn't work, it means he's not open to talking at all.

Is it possible that you could do couple's therapy on your own so that you can clarify/explore your own feelings, that might help you see a road forward.

Exactly this!

@LovingZelda he sounds awfully needy!!! has he never have had any time to himself including overnight or is he normally with someone? surely he could have coped for one weekend alone? dont have a long talk while he is driving!!! too dangerous!

Depression, my arse. A nasty way of controlling your behaviour more like. "Look what happened when you went away for a weekend with your friends. I got so sad and lonely that I had to look for another woman. And no, I won't say any more about it. You figure out what will happen next time."

It’s been 7 years. It’s a long time. I’d have issued an ultimatum long ago. Either you’re in and committing (marriage / children / discussing feelings etc etc) or sorry I can’t hang around so I’m off.

Everyone is different, some people can't just open up like others. My DH doesn't talk feelings at all. But then his whole family don't, so it's quite a learnt behaviour

I do think I statements are very powerful, but I take your points and don't disagree with them

Actually, having thought about it, I think you and others are right and that I was wrong last night

TBH I think you're flogging a dead horse.

Do you understand why he is like this - have you been able to get a credible handle on that? Sure - you could raise it on the car journey - I think you have to be smarter if you want to make any progress with the issue - if he's going to react badly then obviously it may well spoil the whole trip - that reaction in itself is a real problem - speaking from my relationship experience - you really do need to be able to say what needs saying, get things off your mind, be brutally honest, be able to deal with being on the receiving end of that - deal with it like an intelligent adult etc - you have to be able to get to really understand how you partner ticks - that's part of how you built real trust. To me - it sounds like he has a very long way to go - anyone can speculate as to why - if you can't get a good deep open two channel of communication going with him - I'd give up and move on - all the plus points in the world aren't going to fill this gaping void in your relationship (imho of course). My view is that good relationships are built - it's not a matter of discovering your "soul mate" - and one person alone can't build it - imagine the two of you piling small tables on top of each other and both having to stand on the top together - you have to have that balance and effort on both sides more or less all the time - if your partner doesn't have the same mindset - and want or believe in - the idea of building a relationship "together" - I just can't see it working out - find someone who "wants to be in a relationship" someone who "want to build a relationship"

I imagine you want a "break-through" conversation - being realistic I just can't see that happening - wanting everything at once from him just isn't going to happen is it? I still think you need to understand what is at the heart of his behaviour and thinking - probe that as subtly as you can if you like - react with less interest to his positive traits - tender, sweet, hardworking, generous, thoughtful and light up with any expression of his private inner-self - it's all a bit desperate though.

Even if you ca get a handle on what is making him so avoidant, emotionally constipated - you've then got the problem of working out if it's something that can be worked on, whether it is going to be too much hard work - does he know you are not there to fix him and his life - what does he think you want from a partner? Does he think he matches up or falls short? I can give you a list of hundred things off the top of my head that press the right (and the wrong) buttons in my relationship - every single day, multiple times a day - these are at the front of my mind - most are really tiny trivial things - but taken together - they all count - a lot - I spent more time thinking about my partners needs, wants and hopes than my own - and that's not a problem in the relationship - she reciprocates - nothing's perfect - we both try, talk, argue, disagree, plan, compromise, concede, disappoint and surprise - it's a dynamic living breathing ever changing thing. Plenty of issues are not resolved in one conversation - some things take a while, some take a very long time and some things never quite get resolved - you just continue to work on them. I wouldn't look to get everything you hope for in one long car-journey sized conversation - I'd take the longer view...or maybe after 7 years - you realise that, realistically, it's not going to change much - or maybe you will realise you haven't been going about debugging the relationship in the right way. Relationships are complex things - full of contradictions - they are a full time job IMHO - not some beautiful found object that you can preserve forever.

It's another case of he isn't who you want him to be but rather then accept and leave you are hanging in desperately hoping he will suddenly turn into a different person. He won't.

This

This is who he is? Constantly trying to find ways to get through to someone who isn’t interested must be exhausting. In the nicest possible way, take the hint.

Trying to force a conversation when the other party can't escape might end very badly for you. I wouldn't recommend you do it unless you want to have your journey carried out in angry silence, your trip ruined, or your ass dumped at the next service station.

Why are you flogging this dead horse?

He actively tried cheating on you and instead of you kicking him out you basically begged him to stay.

You need to work on your self esteem.

It’s also just not true that turning everything into ‘I statements’ solves anything.

‘When you do X, I feel Y’ is not the non-confrontational way forward online advice likes to pretend it is. There’s subtext. And both of you know it. No amount of weird framing everything as I statements dressage changes the fact that it’s a complaint about the other’s behaviour.

And it does invite a ‘well that’s a you problem’ response.

@KreedKafer Thing is, you might be thinking things are fine. But if a partner wants you to discuss the future of the relationship and go to counselling, things are very much not fine. And refusing to talk about it won’t change that.

@LovingZelda

Discussing emotions with an angry person on a long car journey to Scotland where they cannot escape and are effectively cornered is a terrible idea.

I agree with this statement. Being trapped in a ton or so of fast moving metal (my weight estimate may be wrong) on a motorway with someone unwilling to face open conversation and possibly distracted from driving and getting angrier and angrier whilst driving that vehicle doesn't sound safe to me.

Also OP, his actions really don't sound kind or generous or loving - he's trying to trap you into what his version of a relationship is where you have to think twice about what you want to do, shutting you down when you want an honest, adult conversation about your relationship?

Have you, for example, arranged anything else with your girlfriends? Or your family without him? Doesn't that sound great for your future if you allow him to restrict your life to what works for him.

Perhaps use the journey to envision how your life would be without him keeping you in a holding pattern he's decided works for him. Is this man, not the man he used to be years ago, worth your mental energy and attention now and in the future? How would that work for you? 🌹

Not a good place for such a discussion.

This is terrible advice, there’s a huge difference between bringing something up organically on a short journey and trapping someone in a car on a long journey so that they’re forced to talk about something they clearly don’t want to talk about

Bloody hell.
Get an audio self help book on dumping arseholes who shatter your self esteem by treating you like shit and cheating on you. Listen to it on the journey.
Dump him on arrival and have a nice little trip away without him.
Get train home. (or leave him to, if it’s your car).

Better still - just don’t bloody go!

I’ll admit I’m only 95% sympathetic. Understanding that life is complicated and your childhood / boiled frogs blah blah blah.. but 5% of me thinks “stop choosing this!!!”

Gather your strength. Dump him.

Sadly you're flogging a dead horse here. He was catapulted into a depressive episode because he was LONELY when you went on a girls weekend? And even with that, he doesn't want to commit further to you and in the meantime, he tried to cheat (probalby did frankly) but YOU are the problem because you are upset about that.

Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Surely your response to this is "not for me. And if we don't figure out what's happening next, this relationship is over".

But based on your OP, it sounds to me like you have no intention of leaving and he knows that so his life is just perfect.

This is all that needs to be said.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy, OP. Decide for how much longer you're willing to be miserable. Hopefully you'll soon realise a relationship is actually meant to make you happy now, not at some future point.

I personally wouldn't use the car journey for the discussion.

However, I would be making it crystal clear what he is doing by refusing to engage in the conversation at all: unless you are given a chance to talk about this with him, the relationship will die.

It might be uncomfortable for him, but being in a relationship does require time and energy into having hard conversations and communication.

The only thing you can do is point out to him what the consequences will be of the decision he's making now.

Absolutely don't have that conversation in the car, it's an accident waiting to happen and then if you survive the journey without an accident how is the atmosphere going to be when you get to Scotland? Think this through rationally, you won't get the answers you want, that's blatantly clear and it really isn't right to corner him. Having said all of that, rather than trying to tell him how much you're hurting I would spend my time trying to justify staying with someone who absolutely only thinks about himself, is this how you want to live your life? You've given him chances to talk, to explain to no avail, it's not going to happen, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. You get one life, you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life whilst bowing down to his demands. He's emotionally immature, Narcissism springs to mind. Play the game, go to Scotland, pretend to enjoy and then plan your escape, carefully and in secret I hasten to add X

Seven years and won't discuss your future together ?

And blaming YOU for going away for his cheating - did he have any depressive episodes before that? At best he's using it as an excuse to try and worm out of it, at worst it's manipulate and controlling (abusive) behaviour designed to keep you in your place.

I absolutely would not be continuing a relationship with someone who takes no responsibility for his actions. Tell him to fuck off to Scotland alone and never come back.