Finding parenting 13 yr old DS is insanely hard work and full of conflict.

Could have wrote this myself. I know the post is older but please tell me it gets better.... I am struggling with my soon to be 14 year old. This is hard!

This is 100% my son! You're not alone.

That teenager boys for you NATBALT

This is lovely and as the mother of a just - turned - thirteen year old, it is hugely appreciated 💙

I could have written this myself. Some days I feel a complete failure and like you worry about how this will pan out when she’s an adult. My friend recently told me he’s glad his mum made him do things like eat properly and get an education, it sounds like your giving a balance of love and boundaries, also these rules things tell them they are loved.
your post has sure helped me to remember this is all normal too

You can be authoritative without being authoritarian.

I make no apologies for having reasonable expectations of my teens.

I tell them that they need to contribute to the household (eg hang up some laundry, make a round of tea) and they need do something positive for themselves (sport, homework, art) every day - not just lie around whatsapping.

If they’re finding it hard to motivate I try to help with suggestions - shall we go for a swim, will you make a macaroni cheese for tea.

I grey rock the moaning and laziness and just be cheerful and positive. It’s really hard a lot of the time but I think an example of “just get on with it” is important to show them life requires you to get shit done. Teens will work the fun stuff out for themselves but that’s a lesson they need from us.

Seriously? Don't limit screen time?

Please don't listen to this advise OP!

Oh God, I'm feeling you. Teenage girls here.
Much, much empathy

They need to pull away from us I guess

Teens clash with parents as much as toddlers do.

And a bit like toddlers telling them they can't do stuff or must do stuff doesn't always get you very far.

Offering the blue or the red cup doesn't distract your teen like it distracted your toddler, but a lot of the same principles apply.

Pick your battles, ignore shouting and screaming, if you have decided on consequences stick to them.

This too shall pass. Friends 17/18 year old lads are all delightful - polite and talk to their mums friends 😀

I can’t imagine why anyone would want to totally alienate their DC Demelza ..
Luckily that’s not what I’m advocating. I’m just pointing out that sticking calmly to boundaries, and allowing natural consequences to unfold ( natural consequences are not authoritarian methods generally, it means not jumping in to save them every time when their actions lead to them not getting what they want).
And maybe a bit less angst over potentially screwing them up permanently by sometimes saying no.And I also agree that humour is key, even if just to stay sane.

Very similar to our son - I find humour works well to disarm him…

Make him laugh - tell him he will smile in 5 seconds and count down. It’s surprisingly hard not to and can definitely diffuse tension pretty quickly. Good luck!

Being an adult with disruptive hormones is entirely different to a being child with these issues.13 is just at the beginning of teenage life.
Why would anyone want to totally alienate their DC?
Patronisingly, I would say in our experience age 15 is far worse than 13.

The saying ‘Pick your Battles’ was not invented without experience.The extreme authoritarian approach with teenagers doesn’t work. They will only rebel as they get older & can become impossible when/if they leave home for Uni.
Sometimes you just have to allow some lea way.

And don’t bloody blame hormones and let them off! Christ my hormones are all over the place and I manage to cook, clean and work! < peri rage face>

Totally disagree with not limiting screen time. My boys are a bit older OP and I managed to limit screen time until COVID… oh hello no school work and a full time job..😫
I lost the control then and screens/ PlayStation/ Snapchat/ Insta just fucked my kids brains to a large extent. And caused endless moods, arguments and refusal to do ANYTHING. It’s been utterly draining and soul destroying living with it tbh.
Im focusing on positive reinforcement (Agee with try and make them feel useful and be genuinely appreciative) BUT my main advice now ( and to myself if I could start teen years again) would be this:
In my opinion there is an absolute crisis of indulgent parenting of teen boys which is not doing them, or society any favours. My kids say none of their friends are expected to lift a finger at home, and speaking to their friends I think that’s true.
Hardly any of them have part time jobs, most are ferried about and never expected to get in a bus etc. I live in a bog standard suburb so I don’t think it’s an unusual area.
Basically, yes, they need to know you love them, but they can probably figure that out based on the fact you are still feeding them and haven’t strangled them with their dirty socks yet.
What teen boys actually NEED is responsibility, tough natural consequences and shit loads of excercise. And to really really be made to understand that if they talk to their mother like she is shit on their trainers there will be no Nice Things for a very very long time.
I think it’s too late for me. Save yourself OP!

Hormones, hormones, hormones.
His mind is so jumbled. We’re all unique & deal with huge changes to mind & body in different ways.
Some people sail through the menopause, others struggle dreadfully, for example.
He will, definitely become a lovely DS again. Who knows when! You’re going to have to try & avoid conflict as much as possible. As another poster said, love bombing is good! Sport is a good way of getting rid of extra testosterone. It’s a bit like having a 13 yr old toddler. Good Luck!

sounds like a 13yo boy to me

FWIW, don't limit his online time, it is his social life and if you do this you will keep getting push back until you inevitably have to give up

Buying crap from the shop with his pocket money is a battle we've chosen not to have though!

The approach I take with my 13 year old is he can have as much screen time as he likes once he has:
Done his homework
Music practice
Chores (we have quite high expectations on this eg washing up, hanging out laundry, hoovering)
Had a shower

So he has to manage it himself, up to him if he gets everything done in an hour and can game for 4 hours solid.
Or he can drag his feet and take ages and get less gaming time.

You poor soul. Been there and got the t-shirt. What you need is the company of other mothers of the same aged boys. You'll then see you're not alone - completely par for the course.
I remember standing in a group of mums when my son was a similar age after dropping him at swimming practice. A couple of them commented that I was quiet and I confessed ruefully to a similar situation. They all confided similar blowups , so trivial sounding in retrospect but so grindingly depressing at the time and as they build up. Realised it wasn't me - I wasn't the worst mum in the world.
In hindsight, I'd agree with the comments above to choose your battles carefully. Decide on your lines but be flexible outside them. Try to find common ground. Use humour where at all possible. Otherwise they're like toddlers - distraction techniques patience and needing their sleep and regalar food jntake.

Having the same with DS12 so you aren't alone! Mine currently has had online gaming privileges removed (still allowed single player games/TV/phone etc) and I've ruined his life apparently.
He sent me a tiktok of a "psychologist" explaining why children shouldn't have online/phones taken away. Nice try little man 😅

Agree with lots of PP that you have to set a minimum standard and then let everything else wash over you. Pick your battles.

Teenagers are such a funny bunch. I’d not let a child/adult/vegetable or mineral talk to me like my teens do sometimes but they’re a big soup of hormones and frustration and pressure and it spills out onto the only person they can trust not to push them away.

Tell them you love them often even if they roll their eyes. Talking in the car or over a sneaky maccies is often helpful and they’re more likely to let their guard down. Try and praise any good behaviour (bit like the toddler phase). Sometimes I find texting them takes the emotion out of whatever needs saying too.

They come back in the end I promise.