To have another baby even if marriage is a little rocky?

I'd have another. It doesn't sound like there were major issues, and if you potentially do split 5 years down the line it's much better that your child has a sibling anyway than being the only child in 2 single parent households

Have the baby…

I can really relate to your post - although we’re a few years along now.

After our first child our marriage really took a hit, at points it felt like we wouldn’t last. Like you I had trauma around the birth and felt as though DH wasn’t doing enough to support me in the months post birth. I had therapy and gradually things improved.

Like yourselves we had got back to a good place but it still felt as though it wasn’t on the solid ground it was before. We both wanted a second, so when our first turned two we decided to just go for it.

The second time round was SO much easier. We both had more realistic expectations, and the fact that there were now two children to look after meant DH couldn’t really opt out. Parenting became much more even.

Anyway, things went from strength to strength and I’m now pregnant with our fourth!

A quick browse of the Relationships board with tell you all you need to know, aka don't do it !!!

These threads always go exactly the same way, I'm not sure what the point is. You want a baby sons you want us to tell you it will all work out. This is just a public declaration that you will try for another baby.

If you can afford to be a single parent to 2 dc - and it sounds like you can - then go for it. That means being able to pay for reliable childcare and possibly a cleaner.

Do not cut back your hours at work. That is a trap.

I think, give your child a sibling before it's too late. They will be there for eachother, later on. And, get in touch with Relate.Theres loads of advice and relationship courses you can do. Broaden your search for support. If you do end up splitting up you'll cope and so will the kid(s). Especially if it's amicably.

Absolutely go for it.

Another one saying go for it… based on experience of being in a similar situation, it doesn’t sound like you’re heading for the divorce courts or anywhere near to splitting up so what’s the alternative? Stay together and not have another baby- divorce and find someone else to marry and have a baby with and hope he’s better than this one at being 50/50 - or have another baby and just accept that these years can be torturous in a lot of ways and when you look back in years to come you probably won’t even remember this period. I vaguely remember things being Rocky with my husband after our first child, but honestly now that the kids are that bit older the whole period just seems like a blur! If I had stopped at one based on that time or had a bigger gap I would definitely regret it. When you’re in the thick of it just keep going!

I’d go for it. It’s a gamble either way but since you both want a second, I would ttc and accept you may have some tricky years ahead.

things did go downhill for Dh and I after dc2 but I still have no regrets.

I do know others in a similar position and they went on to have dc2 despite admitting things were rocky. They split up later. I think for some women the drive to have children is stronger than the desire for a happy relationship.

No great helpful advice… but just wanted to pop in to say I respect that you are both thinking about this. Neither of you sound like you’re coming from a bad place and both of you sound like you love each other.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

I would go for a second as you both seem up for it. It sounds like you are just having normal issues with a small child rather than make or break time. The early years will be gone before you know it- just keep that in mind and get a cleaner

I'd genuinely focus on a sense of self beyond procreation and if you want therapists appointments actually sort them like an adult

You need to deal with your issues I don't think you realise how deeply wrong your thinking is

YABU

The risk is you become a single parent to two DC, if the pressure of another child is too much on your relationship.

50/50 is not possible. One or both of you may need to reduce your working hours until the children are a bit older. If possible, you also need to outsource whatever you’re struggling to manage.

Have you told your DH your concerns about him not stepping up enough as it is?
If so, what did he say in response?
He’s unlikely to change much. It’s weaponised incompetence. He’d eventually be given his notice, if he was to consistently under performing at work.

I wouldn't do it. It's hard with 1 when you're doing more than 50% but so much harder with 2.

I have an only and partly it's because H was so crap. But like your H he thought because he did more than some men then it was fine. All the promises in the world now won't mean anything when he's swanning off for the weekend leaving you with 2 kids and no break.

@Farmulaic don't rule out PND.
No one I know had the birth they wanted but they moved on. I always wanted an active water birth x2
My DC had other ideas. We took medic advise

41 is a normal dad age in my area. So remove that excuse. Kids changed who we are and relationships. It's tough

I don't know what to say to you. I brought a second child into a marriage that was far worse than yours as I couldn't bear the thought of my dd having no one if I wasn't around. Selfish and ridiculous but my kids have the most incredible step dad who brought them up.

The only thing I will say as others have, is that any cracks or dissatisfaction will just intensify with another baby. It's a really hard one.. not much help sorry.

I’d do it because I wouldn’t just want one child, the pull for a second would override everything for me.
I don’t know any marriage that is truly 50/50, even the good ones. Get counselling for sure but also acknowledge it might not resolve itself

I'd do it. Actually I kind of am doing it as child one put a big strain on things and we are much better now but now TTC. For me I knew if I didn't feel we could try for a second them the resentment would be worse for our marriage then the stress of another baby.

Marriage with small kids is hard and it sounds like you are both working on it. Maybe your relationship won't work out in the long run but that could be said for every relationship.

Do get a birth debrief or some kind of counselling though. A Doula could be a really good idea as well.

YABVVVVVU

Just have/try for the baby. If he can't step up to be fully equal then that's his problem. And he'll face the consequences.

I'm fed up of mediocre men. They aren't helpless, they don't need a list or instructions. They would never dare be this crap at work.

Its win:win for me.

He steps up and the marriage is saved - win

He lets you down, you chuck him out and coparent and get weekends off. You'd be free of resentment - win

You gave up on looking for a marriage guidance counsellor because none of their timings worked.
Really?
I'd get straight back on that, as a matter of priority.
Good luck.