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Family Court Judges ignoring abuse

83 replies

BluntDeer · 11/02/2024 22:39

I can't even begin to express the frustration and heartbreak I'm experiencing due to the unjust treatment I'm facing within the family court system. My child is 20 months old, and have been going through a custody battle for the last year. Father has multiple arrests on record, due to his behaviour around me and our child. Lives with a family member who is in active addiction, an alcoholic. His parents have stalked me, and helped him carry on his abuse on me.

It's truly devastating to see my precious child being sent to an environment that I know is not only unsafe but also filled with constant danger. Although a few months of contact centre were first ordered, the judge has now granted him 2 days a week.

The evidence I've presented clearly shows the prior abuse the father subjected me to while pregnant, and the unsafe conditions my child's father exposes them to. It's incredibly distressing to witness the court's disregard for my concerns, as if they're turning a blind eye to the well-being of my baby. My barrister has mentioned the father’s behaviour multiple times, which the judge completely ignored. The living conditions my child's father subjects them to, surrounded by drug addicts and alcoholics, is a constant source of worry and fear for me. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle, desperately trying to protect my child from harm. I feel like women, and domestic abuse survivors have absolutely no rights in this country. Even if they do manage to escape an abusive relationship, they still have to hand their child to an abuser multiple times a week, or be threatened with change of custody by the judge.

OP posts:
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WeAreOne81 · 23/01/2025 19:30

I am so sorry you are going through this 😔. The justice system is a disgrace. I really hope your child is protected. Keep going 💪.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/06/2024 17:40

BluntDeer · 12/02/2024 16:29

My solicitor said also said exactly that about the safety issues. It was blatenty ignored by the judge. What alarm did you have in mind? Sort of a rape alarm type of device? For the time being i press record on my phone and then place it in my pocket.

I am so sorry. This is appalling for you to go through.

Do you know if a recording made without the other person knowing is admissible as evidence though?

ScrollingLeaves · 19/06/2024 17:36

Shiningout · 12/02/2024 08:09

Children have rights, not the parents. :)

It is couched as the child has a right to live with their their abusive parent too.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/06/2024 17:32

WandaWonder · 11/02/2024 23:58

If you have a child with someone they have rights and the child has rights to see both parents, sure it is not suitable in some cases but the rights don't just disspear because you want them too

You had a child with this person, so now external people have to fix this decision for the childs sake

Of course it is not for the child’s sake to put the child with a person whom social services said she must leave or else they’d take away the child!

WindsurfingDreams · 04/06/2024 23:29

LorlieS · 04/06/2024 22:16

I suffered many years of gruelling coercive control. My ex-husband was granted 50/50 custody of our two young sons by the courts and then, following further manipulation, majority custody.
It was my "punishment" for leaving which the courts were so ignorantly blind to.

I feel for you. So many abusers just use the courts to further their abuse.

My ex kept pushing for 50/50. He got 40% in the end (despite lots of evidence of abuse including police records). Then he rarely bothers seeing the children (I think he just wanted to keep his child maintenance costs down)

LorlieS · 04/06/2024 22:16

I suffered many years of gruelling coercive control. My ex-husband was granted 50/50 custody of our two young sons by the courts and then, following further manipulation, majority custody.
It was my "punishment" for leaving which the courts were so ignorantly blind to.

WindsurfingDreams · 04/06/2024 21:28

I am so sorry so many people are still experiencing this.

The system is utterly flawed

Emsy999 · 04/06/2024 21:26

AutumnCrow · 19/05/2024 02:22

Thank you for the link. I've just read it and it's utterly shocking but unfortunately not surprising.

I am going through something very similar at the moment. My ex has never been physical towards myself or the children, it's all mental - coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse. I have proof of EVERYTHING but the judge in our court case last week was not interested! "Does it have an effect on the children's welfare" was her question to me last week during the family dispute resolution hearing and my answer was yes, I believe it does. But both her and my ex's barrister were trying to get me to drop the allegations "for the sake of the children" as the fact finding hearing is a long, drawn out process and will have a negative effect on the children. I was utterly gobsmacked. I maintained that myself and the children can't go on living like this and he needs to be stopped. Thankfully my ex partner lied about something that I made the judge aware of and that's what made her go ahead and request a CAFCASS report. If he hadn't of lied or if I hadn't of made her aware of it I genuinely think that she would have just dismissed it all.

To make matters worse the judge hadn't even read my position statement which listed out all the abuse I'd suffered since I moved out last March and my wishes for our children. I sent it to her 3 days prior and told her this. She then looked in her inbox and confirmed that it was there but she'd missed it. I was utterly dismayed that she didn't send us out to the waiting room for 10 minutes while she read it but just carried on without even looking it at. All in all my experience last week in family court was SHOCKING!

I'm so so sorry you're going through this OP. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Unknownuser2046789 · 19/05/2024 01:46

I could write a book on this …..
thinking of you OP. I have been going through this since November 2019. Endless court hearings….. family court is a vehicle for abusers to continue to abuse. It’s horrific.
I hope we see some radical reforms of the family court system because it’s not fit for purpose IMO.
The Judge in my case is ruling AGAINST Cafcass advice which stated repeatedly that my ex is continually aggressive towards me and it puts my child at risk. It’s heartbreaking.

Onedayatatime8 · 19/05/2024 01:06

BluntDeer · 11/02/2024 23:34

Good idea, although I think court orders trump social services recommendations as far as I am aware, basically being forced to comply. There is so much more to it, his family also have prior criminal charges

Have the courts asked ss for a section 7 or 37??

LorlieS · 18/05/2024 23:42

Unfortunately there is a father-bias in family courts.

Theunamedcat · 18/05/2024 18:40

I think you will find they use the term "different parenting styles" will be weaponised against you "mum believes the child should be fed x type of food due to alleged constipation we don't believe this is essential to enforce and believe this is different parenting styles" " mum is micromanaging dad's parenting to his detriment" "mum wishes to excessively control dad's contact time" "mum appears uncomfortable with dad's contact we believe parental alienation is a possibility" yada yada

Loulou22x · 17/05/2024 23:41

Why do family court judges seem to completely disregard mothers concerns?

My little boys father has made life living hell for over a year now, he has never been a ‘active’ father. Contact between him and my son stopped August last year due to him using our son as a tool when he couldn’t get his own way, for example he had my son after work on a Thursday he would pick him up and then drop him back off to my mum (I live with her) as I worked until 9.30 so she would get him ready for bed, after me saying no I do not want to get back together with him he then refused to drop my son off and told me I had to pick him up at 9.30pm which I said it wouldn’t be fair to keep him up to late! Long story short after his abuse and a number of other issues I felt like it was best to stop contact and have a plan in place via solicitor so he couldn’t keep causing issues. We have been going through court for 8 months now, and he said he wanted my son 4 nights 5 days a week so he didn’t have to pay csa! I addressed every single concern and worry I have.
-He gets angry with him when he’s crying
-When he does have him he doesn’t feed him properly to the point he gave him a chicken nugget and 3 chips, my son suffers with constipation so he needs a good diet
-One occasion he didn’t give him a drink for 7 hours because he ‘forgot’
-He thought it was ok to go the pub with him and drink a lot and drive
-He has never done his daytime and night time routine
-A month ago he got me arrested and lied to the police I spent 23 hours in a cell on my birthday and I was meant to be going on holiday which I missed! I luckily managed to show the police that he was lieing which resulted in him getting a caution for wasting police time! then he tried to make me sound like a unfit mother in the family court but then had a big surprise when the judge said that he knows about his lies. I now have a injunction against him.
-My son cry’s when he picks him up and then comes home in a right state and clearly un happy and stressed it’s heartbreaking seeing him like that.
-The only over night he had him for he kept him in the same clothes for 24 hrs he had clearly not slept much as he slept for 6 hours when he got home

i appealed to the court to stop the overnights until my son is in a better place and more confident being with his father and because of the reasons above and I didn’t get listened to. I have now got in touch with a health visitor who has actually said she didn’t think it was ok to put a 18 month old through it all. I cannot carry on with how it’s all affecting my son. Does the courts actually listen to health visitors?

LorlieS · 13/02/2024 20:07

I suffered years of horrific coercive control at the hands of my ex-husband. When I brave enough (or quite arguably stupid enough) to leave him he got 50/50 custody of our two boys who were just 3 and 6 at the time.
A decade on and the situation is even worse.
The family courts are a disgrace.

Mumma2024 · 13/02/2024 19:52

The difficulty is that neither outcome is a good outcome. They have to balance the harm caused by limited/no contact vs the risk of harm. Arguably, he was abusive to you but not the child which is the stance the court take. You also can't just ignore the court order, residency reversals are not that uncommon.

If any issues arise keep a careful log and obtain any independent evidence possible. Return to court if you have more concrete evidence

daffodilandtulip · 13/02/2024 19:48

orangeleopard · 12/02/2024 18:02

Unfortunately they do and is vile. My son’s dad was abusive and abused me during my pregnancy (even after I left the relationship). I was pregnant and had to go to the police multiple times because he was making threats on my life and threatening to beat me up and set me on fire. family courts saw the evidence and couldn’t care less. I asked for a third party in court due to his abuse, ex stated he only wanted to see me at handovers and instead of the judges seeing that as a red flag they enabled him and granted ‘NO third party ALLOWED’. Ex also failed multiple drug testing and they still allowed unsupervised contact. They didn’t even care that he was abusive and because he is likely a narcissist, he charmed them and the judges shamed me and treated HIM as a victim.

I was attacked during court ordered handovers, in front of the children. I went to A&E and they contacted the police. Ex took it back to court and the judge ruled that I was being abusive and alienating for reporting the children's father to the police.

BluntDeer · 12/02/2024 22:42

The judge allowed unsupervised before we even had a children’s court officer come to meet, still waiting for their visit, is it any use letting them know about his past records of abuse? All that he had admitted to during his interview with police.

OP posts:
pallymo · 12/02/2024 19:46

Op I'm a Social Worker in NI. A children's court officer is not involved in the day to day lives of families they will meet with parties involved and present a report with recommendations to the court that's it. Therefore if it comes down to it that court allows unsupervised access, if you have any concerns during or after the first unsupervised contact then ring Gateway straight away to make a referral. If there is ongoing concerns and he is having contact then Social Services should be involved because that is their role to safeguard and assess any risks.

RegardingMary · 12/02/2024 19:31

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 12/02/2024 08:44

There was a woman on woman's hour a few weeks ago talking about this.
She had split from her partner and he had contact with their daughters. She became worried and the daughters told her that their father was sexually abusing them, they reported this to the police. The father claimed this was parental alienation on the part of the mother, and the court ruled that the mother lose custody and the daughters were to live with their father. It was only because another child (not a relative) came forward with allegations against the father that this didn't happen, and he was then convicted and sent to prison.
When he came out, she had to go to court again and again to keep him away from the youngest child, despite the fact she was one of his victims (I think the oldest was an adult by this point).
It was just an awful story.

It's sheer lunacy.

The things I've heard are horrific. Generally children are used as no more than a tool by which to control the mother.

One woman admitted she'd considered ended it all for her and her child to avoid the child being left with her ex unattended. The judge ruled no contact at all was safe in that case. Thankfully.

but some of the women I've supported have been put through literal hell.

RegardingMary · 12/02/2024 19:26

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 12/02/2024 07:42

How is this even possible? Boggles my mind that a judge would rule that a convicted pedophile would have access to a potential victim? We protect other children from them but not their own children? It's absolutely vile why we allow men who have proved themselves dangerous to have unsupervised access, the rights of fathers overrule common sense and a just outcome.

In one case the judge ruled that the child was the wrong sex to be attractive to the father. In another it was that he'd viewed children who were very young and as pre-teens they didn't appeal to him.

Sadly we know where an abuser is around a child thst isn't their specific type, they'll either make do or use the available child as currency to get what they prefer from other offenders.

One of the women had left her husband due to the abuse being discovered. She confided she'd have been better staying with him, at least then she'd be present.

orangeleopard · 12/02/2024 18:02

Unfortunately they do and is vile. My son’s dad was abusive and abused me during my pregnancy (even after I left the relationship). I was pregnant and had to go to the police multiple times because he was making threats on my life and threatening to beat me up and set me on fire. family courts saw the evidence and couldn’t care less. I asked for a third party in court due to his abuse, ex stated he only wanted to see me at handovers and instead of the judges seeing that as a red flag they enabled him and granted ‘NO third party ALLOWED’. Ex also failed multiple drug testing and they still allowed unsupervised contact. They didn’t even care that he was abusive and because he is likely a narcissist, he charmed them and the judges shamed me and treated HIM as a victim.

Namexhanged · 12/02/2024 17:59

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 12/02/2024 17:54

That actually makes me feel physically sick. Utterly reprehensible behaviour. Why would a judge risk it though? Why?

This reminds me of something I don't understand. If someone is convicted for watching child sexual abuse images, if they watched more boys than girls, it's an aggravating factor. No idea why

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 12/02/2024 17:54

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2024 16:58

In my personal experience?

Because he molested a girl and he had boys it's "rare" to molested both sexes apparently

Like I should be happy about this

That actually makes me feel physically sick. Utterly reprehensible behaviour. Why would a judge risk it though? Why?