Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

Absolutely selfish behaviour on his behalf.
I had surgery on my stomach a week Wednesday. I came home this last Thursday and I’m still in some pain when I move. I could not have even got out of bed without help the day after my surgery.
Thank God for the wonderful nurses.
I don’t know how you are managing. You must be in absolute agony.
Had my husband been alive he would never have left me,in fact he would have been waiting on me hand and foot.
Did you say fine sarcastically and he missed the vibe or were you too shocked that he suggested it and couldn’t collect your thoughts.
Either way your dp is an utter and complete Knob. I’d play hell when the selfish twat came home.
I wonder about the scenario had it been the other way around???

YABU in being mad at him after saying it's fine when he asked.

Had you said no and he still left, that would be a whole different story.

Ideally he should have thought about the dogs needs but seems like you didnt at the time either. It's just one of those things to bear in mind next time.

After I had mine out, I mostly slept. I was very sore, but my husband couldn't have done anything to ease that except make sure I didn't have to do anything that wasn't necessary, like deal with the dog.

Your husband should want to stay with you and look after you. I'd be really pissed off even at the suggestion of him going on a night out, never mind him actually doing it!!

You Abu to say it was fine BUT and its a bloody big BUT he was a complete TWAT to even ask.!!!
As pp have said decent people would NEVER have asked that and that lack of care / interest is a massive red flag for me.
He asked that question while you were in pain and quite vulnerable and too shocked to object, and asking, has made him look like he was being considerate but he wasnt, the fact he asked wasnt being considerate!!
I wonder what his response would have been if youd said no you needed him!! Stroppy man and you 'being unreasonable??

I was in agony for a couple of days after I had mine out. And talking to friends who had had the same op, I had the easiest time by far.

Surgeon pointed out that if you joined up all the incisions, they would be as long as the incision for an open cholecystectomy and for that you get to stay in hospital. So to have very low expectations of what you could do and if it turned out better it was a bonus.

You can’t sign legal documents for at least 24 hours after a general anaesthetic. You also need a responsible adult with you for at least 24 hours afterwards.
So you shouldn’t be blaming the OP for making a ‘wrong’ decision about her care.

To the person who lives on their own and is waiting for the same operation, you need to find someone to stay with you for at least the next day or two or they won’t let you have the op unless they have the capacity to keep you in for a couple of nights.

I had my gallbladder out a couple of years ago.

In recent years I've also had a hysterectomy, surgery on a broken shoulder to put plate and pins in, an arthroscopy for a meniscus tear and cataracts out. So 2 major, 2 less major and a minor surgeries.

Of all those, the only one I could be left alone for several hours the following day was the cataracts, mainly because I only had a local and only had minor discomfort. Even the less serious ops (the arthroscopy and the gallbladder, both keyhole surgeries) I was still suffering from the after effects of the GA and was in a fair amount of pain and needed help to carry out self care for a few days after. Don't even go into the other 2 ops!!

I understand he doesn't see his mate often but his mate should have understood the circumstances!

100% the same - it was a very simple operation for me and I wasn’t incapacitated after.

I’m a single parent and my kids were much younger, I managed alone - the recovery was easy.

sorry OP but I think you’re being a drama queen

This is your mistake .Don't ever do this again .Just because you're out if hospital it's significant surgery which is going to take time to heal from .More if you're daft about recovery.
Hope you're OK and nothing wrong with giving someone or him a phone and get some help

YABU

I’m not sure what help you need off him.
It would be different if he needed to help you walk places or go to the toilet.

After surgery it’s important to rest but it’s also important to move about and do things for yourself every now and then.

But if you felt you did need help or just support, then you shouldn’t have told him to go.

You’re annoyed that you said for him to do something and he did it, which is very unfair.

I hope you feel better soon.

I think the point is he shouldn't have even asked. And when someone asks 'do you mind if I abandon you when you're vulnerable and in pain' it can be a bit of a shock. I am quite good at asking for things I want and need in my relationship but there are some things that you shouldn't have to ask for because they should be freely given and if you've had to ask someone to act like they care about you, it doesn't mean that they care about you, they are just acting like they care because you asked...so the damage has already been done

I don't think he cares much about you - either not enough to decide himself for your sake that you need help and support post-op, or that he'd resent being 'forced' to stay at home.

Either way, you don't seem to be a priority for him, do you?

It's plainly there in the wedding vows that you look after each other in sickness and health!

Well, he’s a dick for even asking but given your options were is this reasonable, or grounds for divorce I had to say you’re unreasonable.

of course it’s not reasonable, he asked and you told him he could go.

If your DH was so keen to see his friend, it would have made much more sense in the circumstances to ask the friend to come from Liverpool to visit him rather than the other way round.

I really feel for you. It's miserable recovering on your own. He should have put you first instead of himself. Is that a common thing?

Right back attcha

My exH decided to go on 5 day boys trip the day after our son was born telling "I can not go if u need me" while standing with a packed bag in the doorway. It was a huge alarm bell for me, followed by few similarly exciting ones in the 1st 3 months of our son's life. Hence an "ex-".

the usual conditions for day case discharge are that you have someone to look after you for at least 24 hours post op. If that's not possible then an overnight stay would be arranged. Occasionally gallbladders turn into an overnight stay for surgical reasons too so you do need to have a plan for the cat's care even if it's planned as day case.

He is being unreasonable to leave the dog with you to deal with. Has he organised someone to look after the dog?

I'm surprised at how many people are blaming you for saying it was OK.

Hope you feel better soon. He obviously isn't prioritising your wellbeing.

He's a cunt, OP.

Utterly thoughtless selfish shitty thing to do. And you only said yes while still under the influence of a lot of drugs still in your system.

Post surgery patients should not be left alone so soon - so many possible complications.

Adverse anaesthetic reactions, post op infection, falls, burst stitches ... So much could have happened.

Is your mum, or better, his mum still with us? Could they stick a rocket up his selfish arse and tell him to come home and do the in sickness and in health bit?

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/having-surgery/afterwards/

I don't agree on over dependence on partners. But I think this is totally unacceptable and mean. Absolutely not on.

The word you needed was "no".

Twat.

Should he have gone out? No.

But I said it was fine Be angry at yourself for agreeing.