Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

You’re not really fine though, are you?

I'm going to take a not-wild guess and say this is not new behaviour. The exact circumstances might be new, but I’ll bet you have a history of not insisting on your needs being met and he has a history of taking that at face value when he ought to know better.

Absolutely he should not have gone. But you did have agency in this situation to say no.

Now you’re justifying him and minimising your own needs. It’s still not ok. The friend lives in Ireland, and he still sees him a couple of times a year. It’s not Australia and once a decade.

He is in the wrong, absolutely. But you’re the one with the power to tell him to be better.

OP i think you are getting a really hard time. I think I'd have told my OH to go, especially if it meant catching up with someone they didn't see very often.

You underestimated the pain you'd be in.

I had a GA last year and was determined I'd be fine (not abdo surgery though) and I walked out of hospital without anyone escorting me, in order to wait for DH in the car park despite feeling very woozy.

The moment I woke up the next morning I went for a very slow but hour long walk so that I could take the support stockings off which had to stay on until I was active again, so I made myself be active!!

DH didn't know I had left the house he was still asleep.

So the point is, you might have started to feel much better and much more on top of things and then if you were like me, you'd have felt guilty for asking him to stay.

I've got to have a much bigger surgery this year which will be abdominal. If DH said that he had a ticket to the biggest rugby match of the season two days after my surgery I would absolutely tell him to go, and book the dogs into the dog sitter.

He asked, you said it was fine, now he's going to come home to a really pissed off wife. He shouldn't have asked, you shouldn't have said yes.

Fault on both sides. Learn from your mistakes, forgive and forget. Communicate better next time.

This. Did you tell him you couldn't manage ti see to rhe dog?

My husband recently had his appendix out, so a lot less traumatic than yours, on his first full day at home he said I was fine to go to work. As an adult with eyes and feelings I knew that wasn’t appropriate and stayed at home until he could safely manage the toilet etc alone.

Who is walking the dog?

YABU for telling it him it was fine! It does sound like there was a bit of an expectation from his side that he would be able to go but you are definitely not unreasonable to seriously consider divorcing him over this. He sounds selfish and oblivious

You said it was fine? YABU.

Op, am I right in that you probably agreed & said "I'm fine" to keep the peace? You put him first above yourself & no doubt always have done?

Whereas, he, having had the discussion with his friend, should have told his friend "no, can't come, Stonymum is having surgery & I need to be home." End of discussion.

You would have been none the wiser because he'd be home looking after you.

He's not even checking in with you & he's left you with a dog!

I'm sorry OP I feel for you. Anyone, surely, would even help a friend in your situation, this is your husband.

This is no reflection on you...it's him.

Really hope the pain eases up for you & tell him when he gets back that, actually, you really have been suffering & let him pick up the slack.

Wonder what time he'll get home?

xxx

Who's the victim? He asked if he could go OP said yes??

I can guarantee my dh would not leave me on my own after surgery.
But tbf your dh sounds more thoughtless than mean.
Just remember next time he gets ill to leave him a drink and snacks before heading out on a girls night.

I wonder what he would have said if she’d said she didn’t want him to go. In my mind he shouldn’t have even asked her if she minded. It shouldn’t have even crossed his mind to leave her alone. It’s a shitty thing to do.

All the people saying it's OPs fault as she said it was fine, have a word with yourself. In what universe would you, after your partner had had surgery, even consider going away for an evening the day after. It was an insult to ask, and says a huge amount about him, and how he values you and your relationship. Can you get someone else to come and stay, and confirm to him that you are considering your next steps when you recover.

You should not have said it was fine.
Also he should not have arranged it

Get on his phone and tell him you are sick and to come home! If he refuses that will tell you everything.
You shouldn’t be vomiting… seek medical advice.
The problem with laparoscopic surgery is that you have little incisions on abdomen which look like diddly squat but it’s quite major what’s done inside.
Best wishes xx

YABU to say you are fine. You are very CLEARLY not fine.

He has just shown you his priorities loud and clear.

Would I want to grow old with someone this selfish? Not a chance.

I’ve had my gallbladder removed. Home the next day , keyhole surgery . My husband worked and I was home alone until the evenings . I was completely fine, just walked a bit slower. I didn’t ever need looking after . But I do think your husband was a bit thoughtless and I can understand you being emotional because he’s off on a social.

He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine…

OK two things. When asked, ask for what you what. Second, good men don't ask for unconscionable things.

This.

I’ve never forgot after coming home from an open appendix removal (gangerous, ruptured, could have died) - ex DP sodded off to Arsenal. So selfish and it was a black mark for me forever

If you love someone, you do not leave them the day after a two hour op under GA to have a night out with a friend under any circumstances. The fact he even wanted to do this and thought it was OK to ask says it all. The fact he is now not checking in as promised is also unacceptable and actually quite cruel. I’m quite shocked tbh. I hope you feel better soon OP.

I had surgery recently (my first time ever really being properly unwell, so a new experience all round!), with 4 hours GA and I couldn’t stand up without needing to vomit or faint for a good 2 days. Your H might not see his mate very often, but presumably you don’t have surgery with GA very often either and I think in this scenario you should absolutely be his priority. If he and his mate need to see each other ao desperately, his mate could always have come down to you, both of them are complete idiots.

The first morning after mine I couldn't get out of bed without a pull up and my ex also helped me a lot the first day. I was fine after that myself. So yes, he should not have left you. No way!