Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

But you didn’t tell him you wanted him to stay, you told him to go…Don’t say “I’m fine” when you aren’t fine.

He doesn't care about you. Up to you if you tolerate that.

“We had discussed beforehand the possibility of him going back up the next night if I felt ok… but at that point I wasn’t expecting to feel quite so run over by a bus! So I assumed he had thrown the plan out the window…”

YABU You should have not told him it was fine for him to go if it wasn’t. If you had discussed it before the surgery he knew there was a chance he might not be able to go so it wouldn’t have come as a surprise if you asked him to stay with you.

He shouldn't have asked a person recovering from a GA and abdominal surgery if it was ok if he went on a bender two hours away and left you at home alone with the dog.

I'm presuming he wouldn't be happy if you did the same to him post surgery and went to Liverpool for a party with your mates?

It's not your responsibility to give him constant guidelines on how to be a caring reasonable partner, and anyone saying this is your fault for not saying no has a very low bar.

I wouldn't leave my next door neighbour alone in this position never mind a spouse.

Added that he's not been in touch, shows you clearly how much of a shit he gives, this would very much be a definitive moment in the marriage for me.

And me

@CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment it was a private hospital. I'd been given my information pack and the consultant came in to see me, I asked if I could go, he said yes. I called DH, told him I would wait for him in the car park. No one told me I shouldn't leave on my own, I picked up my bag and made my way back to reception the way I had come in that morning.

If it had been a big deal I'm sure they would have told me not to leave without them escorting me. DH didn't come in with me in the morning, it never occurred to me to ask him to come and collect me.

It's only from reading mumsnet since that I realise it isn't the done thing to leave hospital on your own.

I really don't think I was a risk to anyone including myself as I sat on my bag outside the hospital reception waiting for DH in the fresh air.

But my point is that the OP might well have had the conversation before the operation and it would have been fine for him to leave her as she may well have been fine.

Therefore her 'fine, ok' after the operation was auto pilot, not because she doesn't respect her own needs, but because she'd already largely agreed for him to go.

Literally the entire world stay in hospital. The NHS is mental and brainwashed people 🙄

The hospital will ask you to arrange for someone to pick you up from hospital (taxi not allowed) and to have someone stay with you for the first 24 hours. This is for your own safety in case of post-operative complications.

Absolutely no need to stay in hospital for 5 days with laparoscopic surgical removal of your gallbladder . One night is sufficient, of course unless complications set in , but that’s a completely different kettle of fish .

Your husbands a selfish prick end of. You’ve had surgery and he’s left you alone and to top it off hasn’t even contacted you to check in. You are not high on his priority list.

Please remember this next time he’s ill. Don’t play nursemaid to a cunt.

@OnlyYesterday @BlurringTheLines @Maddy70
Tbf the OP had literally just had the op when he announced his plans before asking if that was ok.

I doubt her head was in the right place after a major op and general anaesthetic. I can totally see how befuddled one would be in the state op would have been in. After an op I would be feeling vulnerable and quite likely self questioning so would possibly think I shouldn't be making a fuss. The next day when I'd come to my senses I'd be WTF???

Why would he even have thought it was ok?

They let you go home? I have worked in medicine all across Asia and never known less than 5 days recovery in the ward. No wonder you feel crap.

This. I’d have absolutely said no it is not fine.

He was a knob for even considering leaving you, never mind suggesting it.
Get back on the phone and tell him to come home asap.

@Droolylabradors it's the fact you went out and about by yourself, twice, less then 24 hours after GA surgery.

I'm sure the hospital would have been furious if they knew you walked to the car park by yourself because that put them at a serious liability risk to them and physical risk to you, which would have needed more NHS care that sould have gone to someone who needed it and didn't just take risks so they could feel smug about how tough they are. I'm honestly appalled.

I'm saying it because they'd had a cogent discussion.before the surgery about him going if she felt ok. So the only question he could ask is are you ok for me to go and she said yes.

The question was expected, it had previously been discussed.

Why are so many people telling the OP she shouldn't have said fine? She's feeling like shit after surgery, this isn't the time when she should be formulating cogent arguments as to why he should stay and look after her.
I know exactly why you said 'fine' OP, I've been there. I'm not with that man now.

He's an arsehole to have done this. If one of my friends said they'd left their post surgery partner to come on a jolly with me I'd think a lot less of them. Jesus.

If your surgery was prebooked and he had his ticket why didn't you call a friend or family member to stay over with you if you were both happy for him to go?

I've had gallbladder surgery and couldn't sit up on my own but could shuffle/slow walk the next day. Might be to do with being a redhead? (we need more anaesthetic - really!) There's no way I could have been left on my own at home with stairs and DDog as I could barely get to the loo unaided for 3 days afterwards. I was very sleepy and a bit wobbly for at least a week after the surgery.

@StonyMum I thought every husband was aware that when their wife says it is "fine" then it most certainly means it is NOT "fine"!! I cannot believe a partner could be that callous! hopefully in the future, if he has any surgeries, you do not show him compassion at all!

You just had surgery. He shouldn't have asked. You said you were fine, but anything anybody says writhing 48 hours of surgery and GA needs to be taken with a pinch of salt really. GA can have big effects on people that aren't immediately obvious.

The idea that laparoscopic surgery is "less" than "open" is true. Still, you don't have five holes bored into your abdomen (which is pumped full of air) , going under muscle, a camera out in and an organ removed as a normal, every day experience. It's faster and easier than slicing everything open, but it's still very invasive surgery. And that's before the GA.

You do not need complete bed rest as someone suggested.. even after major cardiac surgery,you are up and moving as soon as possible. To prevent possible complications and it aids you recovering. I was nursing over 40 years,and had both my gall bladder and appendicitis at the same time. Huge scar. Ex unavailable to get time off work, I stayed with my aunt for a week. (We had a 2 year old)Have had quite a few abdominal surgeries, and the GA always made me vomit.

I'm not telling anyone to do things like that. I'm saying that I was fine and estimated the impact of my general anaesthetic on myself and was able to crack on.

OP might well have felt better quite quickly too. I'd never had an anaesthetic and was very happy to find I had a lot more energy than I'd been led to expect.

And support stockings are fecking awful if you get hot feet and I couldn't bare to wear them any longer than I had to!

Why would you do those things ? You were incredibly reckless and it's dangerous to tell other people that it's ok to do things like that.

I think a lot of us would have said fine. We all do it all the time. At least I do. The question he asked probably wasn’t a real question. When someone asks “you don’t mind do you?” many of us are conditioned to say “no, of course not” Op, I have been in your situation so many times. I am not as confident as many on here. I expect better from a partner. What he has done to you is so disappointing. Hope you get better soon.