Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

Maybe it wasn't the 8yo's decision.

At that age, school friends are the centre of their world. And anyone else is a bit "out of sight, out of mind".

I have a cousin who is 8 months younger than me, and growing up, she lived a good 2 hour drive away. We used to meet up about once every six months, and would have a whale of a time together. Absolutely nuts about each other. But honestly, I didn't give her a single thought from one six months to the next. Absolutely BUZZED to see her, but forgot her within 5 minutes of being in school the next Monday morning.

I would try not to take your DDs snub too personally. But also... your friends DD is allowed to have who she wants at her party. And while school friends are the centre of the universe to an 8yo, maybe, just maybe, she's not THAT into your DD? While your DD loves her, maybe the feeling isn't that mutual.

@ZebraPensAreLife

How is wanting a party with school friends only treating OP’s DD badly?

Maybe I'm in the minority here but if the friend's DD expects invites to the OP's daughter's party and would be "genuinely upset" if she was excluded, then to not reciprocate is rather unkind. It is not how I'd want my DD to behave, especially not as she's only 8.

Did you invite every child of your parents friends to your celebrations?

What bollocks.

Who lives their life trying to teach valuable lessons to eight year olds who aren't their own.

The OP's friend's daughter doesn't need to be taught a lesson because she is having a birthday party with just friends from school.

She's not being unkind, she's just growing older.

My reaction is silence, I don't want an invite just because I've said something. If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

@Mummybearto3bg Is it possible you’ve misread the friendship?

To test this I suggest you don’t invite her to your daughters party.

She’ll either be upset - in which case this shows her and her mum take your daughter for granted - or she’ll shrug it off and you’ll realise that she wasn’t that close to your daughter after all.

Maybe your friend didn't want her DD worrying about yours not knowing anyone else and feeling left out.

How is wanting a party with school friends only treating OP’s DD badly?

Not everyone can be invited to everything. It’s not (I assume) like OP’s friend’s DD is going on about how wonderful the party will be in front of OP’s DD - which would be rude behaviour.

I know you’re obviously kind, but I would not invite her if she hadn’t invited mine, class friends sure, there’s always limited numbers… but if your best friends child doesn’t invite your DD I do think not inviting her one year would be a lesson well needed ! This other child shouldn’t grow up thinking there’s no consequences for treating others badly

This. It’s a different dynamic. It’s totally normal for kids to feel anxious about mixing friends, it’s a skill learned over time and some adults still struggle with it.

This is a school friends party - she’s actually been quite truthful even if trying to spare feelings by saying it’s not big. She’s having a school friends party with her school head on.

Just as my Ds (10 now, but they were maybe 7 at the time) had to learn that a female friend who he knew since birth one year wanted an all girls party. That’s just life.

Does your daughter go to the same school and in the same class?

If not, your friend and her daughter are more than entitled to have a school class party and not invite your daughter. Its a different dynamic and the bday girl will have her mates there and I'm sure they'll all be excited.

You need to separate your friendship with the mum and the girls friendship .This is a class party. I did the same this year and only invited the class and none of my mates or their kids. It didn't go down well but that's not my problem. It was my DD day and she had a blast.

I'd say this is the age to move from family friends to school friends... I had a gang of about 10-15 family friends that would come to parties, and realised that it was actually upsetting my dd to not be able to invite as many school friends. One year she could only invite 4 or 5 school friends and I realised how important those relationships were to her, over those with children she maybe only saw a handful of times each year xx

@Mummybearto3bg you need to stop inviting the girl to your daughters parties… not to be mean but that is how life works, she needs to learn that relationships work both ways! I wouldn’t invite someone to something if I found out they constantly excluded me from meet ups.
I wouldn’t invite her and when the mum asked about it I would just say ‘oh I thought we’d started doing school friends only!’…. And leave it there.

I feel your pain OP, when DS was small he had a really good friend, they would be at each other's house loads, spent time together in school.
When DS had his 11th birthday, I planned a fun event for about 10 boys, provided transport all food and a bit of money for each to buy a souvenir. Whilst chatting to this particular boy, he said he had had his birthday at the same place the week before. I was gutted that he hadn't invited DS, but had to suck it up. I couldn't say anything to this boy, he didn't have to invite my DS, despite how close I thought this friendship was.

Take your DD out for a lovely family treat on the day of the party.

Unhelpful comment here but I’d personally be put out. I agree with previous posters that it’s a bit silly to feel this way, but I think it’s just so much easier to be inclusive and I always invite friends kids to my kids parties. She needs to get a grip - kids should learn to be inclusive too. Indulging the whole “you aren’t invited to my party” too early is dangerous.

Your daughters are not best friends. They happen to be friendly as you guys go away together. You need to seperate your friendship from the kids. If friends dd wanted her invited then she would but obviously she doesn't. Not all friendship groups mix easily and perhaps the girl just wants her school friends

By the way, if your DD has a party, don’t invite the friend’s daughter as it definitely goes both ways.

I’d leave that entirely up to the op’s daughter, if she wants to invite the girl. Why play tit-for-tat, when the op’s friend probably felt she was in a very awkward position?

Kids will get along on holiday though as they only have that friend to get along with.

8 years and all of her classmates, I can totally see why your daughter isn't invited, it's because it's just classmates. Friends daughter probably doesn't want to be worrying whether she is okay, or that she's feeling left out.

I think it's the best thing all round.

Not sure what you mean by silence. There's nothing to say. It doesn't stop you adults being friends though.

Maybe your friend gets on with other Mums who will be there and doesn't want to worry whether you are okay or not.

These things just happen naturally, no need to put any spin on it or look for nefarious reasons.

"we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends"
I think all the posters who are joining the rage of she LIED!!! it's a school class!
aren't helping, if my dc had ALL their school friends they'd have more than just their class. I think it's bonkers all the rage that a child has chosen who she wants to come to her party!

This for me, parties change once they’re at school. It’s a shame your friend felt she couldn’t be honest with you, maybe she took the easy option or maybe she was avoiding a reaction from you, who knows. Just talk to her if you’re as close as your OP suggests!

When our kids were small they went to each other parties, but once at school this fizzled out. They form their own friendships and don’t consider their mums friends children as their friends…
My daughter will hang out with my friends children when we meet up, but wouldn’t go out of her way to seek them out …
Don't take it personally, it’s just part of growing up, if her child is the elder one and a year above at school it wouldn’t cross her mind to invite a young kid.. especially if your daughter then only knows the party girl and will cling to her.

At this age we’d separated out of school friends and school friends parties, couldn’t do with the shyness, awkwardness that mixing friendship groups (at that age) can bring, how would your DD feel if her friend wanted to hang out with her besties from school? We would do a party for school friends, not always big every year, maybe a cinema trip for select few and then have a birthday tea at our house inviting family and close friends. It’s really not unusual to separate off, and one of you has to be the first.