Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

The Mum is just making the party a school friends party this year. It's a change.
It's healthy for your DDs to not always have the same social groupings. It gives them practice at socialising differently and not always in their comfort zone.
Maybe the Mun wishes to have the smallest number of kids possible this year and knows you will understand.

Your friendship will cope.
Your girls will still like each other.

And yes, this:

It is socially quite challenging for an 8 year old birthday child to manage mixing friends who don't know each other. It's not like when they are little and just run around happily after balloons.

I wanted to say something like this in my post but couldn't find the right words.@glusky has put it perfectly.

Generally speaking I don't invite friends' kids to my dd's birthday and don't expect my dd to be invited to theirs.

But in the circs you describe I think it's a shame your dd is not invited because they are friends and close in age.

It is likely down to numbers and venue size. Perhaps it's the kid who chooses and she invites the kids she sees more at school. But still, I completely see where you're coming from. I would see it more of a shame / missed opportunity than a rejection.

If the DD can only have up to 30 children and she's inviting the whole class, then it makes perfect sense that you are "back-up" and only invited if someone drops out. All 30 places will presumably be needed in case the whole class accepts!

We have done the same... Invited the whole class, a few couldn't come, so I asked some friends of mine whose DC my child likes spending time with if their children would like to come for soft play and pizza.

Also I wouldn't invite sometime to a whole class party if I actually wanted to speak to them or if they/their child required a lot of "input" on my part. The class parents know each other, they know the drill, they're perfectly happy to chat aimlessly to each other while I run around like a headless chicken. They don't require any "hosting". If I actually wanted to catch up with a friend and their child, I'd do it separately rather than inviting them to the scrum of a class party.

Btw DS is now 16 and has maintained friendships- independently of us mums - with all his playgroup / non school friends. One he actually does go to school with now although quite separate friendship groups, and they still don’t go to each others parties 😂. But they are firm friends nonetheless.

I think you're overthinking this, OP.

When kids are little, their friends are often the friends of their parent's friends. As they grow older, their own independent friendships inevitably grow more important.

This is a class party with her school friends. Having an extra kid who isn't part of that group would change the dynamic and make your friend's dd responsible for ensuring that your dd isn't left out... maybe she just wants her dd to relax and have fun instead?

It doesn't mean that your friend and her dc don't like your dd or that they don't value the relationships that they have with you both. They just want to have a class party with her school friends, and your dd isn't part of that group.

I think you need to accept that they may grow apart when they're older anyway. My dd used to be inseparable from my closest friend's dd when they were younger - days out, sleepovers, holidays etc. However, they grew apart as teenagers because they're very different people - they will take a polite interest in each other if they meet, but nothing more. It hasn't affected my friendship with the mum in the slightest - we're still as close as we always were, because we both understand that things change as kids get older, and that's fine.

By this age we mostly stuck to school friends only. This meant that most of my friends children, who didn’t go to DSs school but who he’d known since birth, weren’t invited to his birthday parties . It started getting a bit awkward in the years leading up - at some point children stop just playing with whatever other similarly aged kids happen to be around, and start to prefer their own friendship group. DS was torn between his daily school friendship group, and his older friends who didn’t know his school friends.

i think it’s quite normal, albeit a hard lesson in growing up for your dd.

Yep I’m in the camp of let them choose their own friends. My daughter isn’t even in pre school and she’s already got her little besties . I hate it when people force their kids to be friends with their own friends kids

I think this is fairly normal. My kids have some close family friends who used to come to parties but it mutually stopped about this age. The social groups are more established and it's harder for a random child who doesn't know the others to fit in. It is socially quite challenging for an 8 year old birthday child to manage mixing friends who don't know each other. It's not like when they are little and just run around happily after balloons. It was normal and acceptable in our circles (though certainly not universal) to have a school friends only party or a gymnastics friends only party.

It's easy to say the lying is the worst bit, but people only do it to save your feelings. Sometimes more successfully than others.

However I would have invited your daughter out for a little trip separately as a birthday treat. My son (autistic) has been invited like this a few times and it does soften the blow, though it doesn't stop it stinging.

it may be that your friend thinks it would be awkward for your DD to be the only one who didn’t know the other children. Or your friend’s daughter might think it could be awkward and doesn’t want to feel split between friends. She might worry about your DD being left out and feel she can’t relax for wondering if your DD is having a nice time. I don’t think it means that either your friend or her daughter don’t value the close relationships you all have. They might just find it easier to compartmentalise things. I think I’d be hurt for my child too, but would try to think of it in terms of the above. I hope you don’t fall out over this. It would be a shame

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Maybe it wasn't the 8yo's decision.

This is very true. Even worse if it was the adult doing this.

OP I guess we all have to accept that some people are more sensitive/empathetic than others. People cannot help feeling hurt if it is in their nature to be this way. That doesn't make their feelings wrong, unreasonable or silly. I personally would not have excluded your DD whilst happily accepting invitations each year from you for your DD's birthday. That just doesn't sit right with me.

It’s you and your friends who are BFF, not the children.

Sadly they seem to not be as close as you thought. I'd feel really left out.

Take it at face value - they’re only including school friends. You could organise a little get together to celebrate the birthday with just the two girls

I don't think you should do/say anything as you have received multiple reasonable explanations. Whether she has the space for 100 kids is neither here nor there. And she probably doesn't want to fall out with you too. So I think it's most likely her dd who is the reason.
And then most likely your dd views her as closer than the other way around. Something for you to think about. I wouldn't invite the dd to your dd's birthday. That would be the opportunity to then address it, depending on what reason/ reaction they give.

I raised 4 DC..you end up being relieved when you don't get an invite
Kids are fickle,
Just distract your dd if she finds out ,do something nice yourselves
It's just life
Everyone can't go to everything

It's not necessarily about how close you and your bestie are and the 2 girls, it's that it's all school friends so your DD would be the odd one out. Most people when doing a class party do not invite family members or family friends. If you're so close wouldn't you just do a birthday tea or something on her actual birthday or close to it?

I think your friend didn't want to hurt your feelings as this seems to be so important to you so tried to play it down. I think you should let your DD invite her school friends to her party and not bestie's DD as she will feel left out, even if not obvious to you. Then have a birthday tea with bestie and the 2 girls.

@Mummybearto3bg this year I haven’t invited my best friend’s child to my child’s birthday party. It has absolutely no reflection on how I feel about them or their child but my child is only having school friends who know each other. This happened with my older DC too, at a certain age, the parties became school only, whole class then down to just a few. Perfectly normal and you shouldn’t take it personally at all.

Maybe she knows other friends children that she would feel obligated to invite too? Or her dh friends children? It can increase the numbers and then her dd would need to play host to these various groups?

Yes, that would be absolutely fine. OP’s DD should invite whoever she wants.

Would she expect an invite, though, or is it just OP saying she would? Her mum may have discussed this with her already.

I think this is simply a case of the children getting older and wanting to prioritise the friends they’ve chosen / in a specific group. Which to me is fine and normal!

Well it will ok for OP’s daughter to not invite this other kid then too.

My daughter only invites 1 or 2 out for her birthday now, and there was a natural separation of friends in and out of school… but if OP’s daughter ALWAYS invited this girl to her parties then yeah I do find it mean.. personally think it’s time OP stopped it

Agree, all the posters desperately showing how lovely, kind and inclusive they are, yet getting excited at the thought of teaching an 8 yo CONSEQUENCES!!! for having the temerity to invite who she wants to a birthday party!