Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

It’s a school friend party. Your daughter wouldn’t know anyone other than the birthday child who would presumably want to play with her school friends at HER party rather than be stuck entertaining your child.

It sounds like all the other children are a year older and all know each other while your DD only knows the birthday girl.. Why would you want your younger, SEN DD to go to a party in those circumstances?

The line that jumped out at me from your OP was
Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year.

Why "obviously"? My experience (and echoed by virtually everyone on this thread) is that you only invite your friends' children to your children's birthday parties when they are pretty young. 7 was already getting old to do this - I don't think people I knew did this beyond Reception age (so 5).

In this case as it's a whole class party, your friend has done you a favour. Going to a party where you are the only one that isn't part of the "group" is pretty miserable. (And seeing this happen in practice was the other part of the reason that we didn't have non-school friends to parties after Reception age).

Sometimes people like to keep school friends and other friends separate. It’s good to have distinct friends who aren’t going to get involved in friendship group issues.

but if she really is your best friend just ask her, tell her! Discuss it!

This.

I think that's quite unusual, especially as the children get older.
Are you still doing this for your older children?

"I honestly don't understand how that's not upsetting for my daughter to understand that you are her friend most of the time, but not on her birthday?"

Just coming back to your last post OP. No, you break down this idea that friendships are defined by birthday invite lists. You can still be great friends with someone but still restrict party invites to school friends. Parties are just parties. One year a child might invite school friends, another a mix, another do a family party instead - none of it defines friendships. If they can only invite 6 friends it doesn't mean they are not friends with anyone else.

I wonder if your child gets few invites through school, which is why this is upsetting you so much? If so it's all the more important to decouple party invitations from some sort of friendship ranking system. Just keep plugging the idea that you can be friends without necessarily getting a party invite for all sorts of reasons, and encourage her to invite anyone she wants irrespective of whether they invited her or not.

I do think its really strange. If you say your as close as you've mentioned, why don't you just say in a casual way your daughter can't understand why she's been left out this time. I could never understand the mums who became good friends in the playground then expected their kids to be best friends too 🤷‍♀️

My mother's best friend had a daughter a month younger than me. We weren't particular friends despite seeing a lot of each other. She never came to my birthday and vice versa.

It’s a school party. YABU. Having kids who aren’t at the same school to school parties is super annoying.

You’re a great example of someone who has poor comprehension. I said OP doesn’t have to tell them about her dd’s party, so no need for the child to get upset.

You and your friend go on holiday together and spend every second weekend together along with your daughters?
Your daughter doesn't warrant an invite this year but was good enough to fill a space at short notice last year when someone dropped out?

I think your 'friend' is sending you a very strong message and it might be time to re-evaluate your presumed closeness. You need to protect your daughter as she is now at an age where she will begin to notice these less than subtle exclusions.

We have moved on from general parties to just school friends now, we always have a family get together too with cousins but they don’t come to parties either.

How does op know this, or is it what she thinks?
But yes @pootlin you're a great example of those who would purposely act hoping that they'll upset a child!

As they get older the kids from different settings don't mix well at parties. We've had parties where all the school friends gravitate together and the cousin or the friend who's not from the school feels left out. Its awkward. It's uncomfortable for the parent who's trying to make sure no one is left out, it's not fun for the kid who doesn't really know anyone and its uncomfortable for the birthday boy/girl who wants to be able to play with everyone.

OP contrary to what a lot of people are saying in my friend and family group. Especially if it’s a party and not small 5 person sort of thing you just invite friends, not just school friends, family friends, cousins etc.

And everyone has good time. Even friends without kids come, it’s a celebration after all.

I think it’s a bit weird considering how close you are.

If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

And actually, this makes me question the friendship dynamic. Is your friend’s dd more dominant? Does she get her own way at the expense of your dd?

Gently, I think you're being unreasonable.

They're not little ones dependent upon their parent's friendships/relationships for their own friends anymore. They have their own circles. And your daughter isn't part of this one. Is what it is. Doesn't mean they're not friends; means the other girl's school friends aren't hers.

My 3 always had very distinct friendships that didn't mix generally: school friends, family friends, sport group friends, specialised club/interest friends. Is what it is.

My best friend and I used to invite each others kids until about the age of 5. My son used to hate it because he didn't know anyone at the friends party and O presume it was similar for my friend's kid so we stopped and stuck to class parties. They absolutely get on great when we meet up though. My sister still invites us to class parties for her kids so we reciprocate but luckily I've got two kids so they can play with each other and not be left out because they absolutely do not end up mixing with the school friends. I'd prefer it if we all just met up separately for the birthdays with family now as it's less pressure and my son doesn't really enjoy the party activities they do but I don't want to offend my sister. My kids complain quite a lot about having to go though.

I think you are being a bit blinkered in not understanding why your friend would do this. It's her daughter's party and she shouldn't have to be responsibly for making sure someone isn't left out. She should just get to have fun with her school friends. It's really very normal which you can see by the absolute vast majority of the responses that are pointing this out. You mainly seem to be selecting the tiny amount that feel like you to confirm your own feelings.

School friend groups are different from family gathering friends, a difference that becomes more apparent as they get older.

If you continue to dwell on this you will cause strain and tension on the family friendship.

If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

Well, that’s too bad for her.

No more invites for your friend’s dd.

You don’t even have to tell your friend about your dd’s parties anymore.

And if your friend says anything tell her ‘I thought we weren’t doing birthday party invites anymore as dd wasn’t invited to your dd’s party’.

I would question a friendship where neither of you could be honest.

There were times when my daughter was invited to parties and didn’t reciprocate simply because she didn’t see her birthday party as a tit for tat occasion.

I understand your sensitivity because your DD’s SEN but I think you’re too invested in keeping the intensity of their friendship alive. For you, inviting this girl to your DD’s parties because you don’t want her to be left out is reason enough but not everyone agrees that sentiment.

I can totally understand your pov, and I'd be upset too.

I think it would be ok if your friend's dd was happy not to be invited to your DD's party, but if she's still expecting an invite, then that's not fair.

I don't like your friend lying to you either. That's not kind or necessary.

I'd probably tell her what I've said here, see what she says.

She's just inviting her school mates and she's fine to do this. You're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Maybe they don't have that much in common anymore.
Kids grow up and make their own decision about who to invite.
Don't take it personally, maybe your DD can find friends who have more in common with her.