Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

This. It would change the whole dynamic to have someone that was outside the birthday girl’s circle of friends

also you say your dd adores her? But does she adore your dd?

We have just reached a similar stage with my
older child. In the past we’ve invited family friends, younger siblings etc and just had a party at a playground or similar. This year she wanted a specific party which involved a smaller guest list and she knew who she wanted to invite. I insisted we invite my friend’s child who she has also been friends with since they were born - at one point they were very close but this child has been very difficult the last year or so(which my friend doesn’t recognise) - because I felt it was too unkind not to because all other friends from this friendship group would’ve been invited.

I feel like I did the right thing and am modelling kindness and inclusivity but also not totally sure and I think in another year or twos time, I will need to let her choose herself. What I would find most difficult about your friend is that she hasn’t told you the truth

I don’t think this is true at all from what you’ve said. There is no way your friend would go on holiday with you and your dd if this were the case. My friend and I stopped in inviting each others kids at about this age. Same school year, different schools. She is one of the 2 people dh and I selected to look after dd in the event that dh and I die before dd reaches 18. My dd is 15 and year 11 now. She still doesn’t mix friends.

Best is not to invite her child going forward. Seems like that's the norm. Because in s few yesrs, your dd will know she never gets invited to the other girl's birthday.

@Mummybearto3bg it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Plus if the other child is older maybe she's outgrown your DD.
She's better off not being invited,than be invited and being ignored.
Plus the other child has a right to have who she wants,it's not a slight on you or your DD.

We didn’t invite my best friends children to my daughters birthday party last year, I think she was disappointed but understood that although we’re best friends our kids aren’t and she wanted her own friends there over my friends which is totally fair. I wouldn’t take it to heart, just accept that her daughter made the guest list and she’s not on it. You can be best friends but not do everything together, I think it’s ok to not invite everyone

I see it from the other child's point of view. Its her school friends and it's a separate friendship group.And are they even friends now. Looks like they're not. Don't invite the 'friend' to the next party

Personally I wouldn't be inviting this child to your daughter's party. You can't have it both ways. My granddaughter wasn't invited to her best friend's birthday tea and was really disappointed so when it was her birthday she didn't invite her back. The mother actually texted my DIL to ask why her daughter hadn't been invited!! Apparently she was very upset.

Your kids are approaching the age where school friends will be their main focus, so it's not unreasonable your friend's DD doesn't want any non-school friends joining in.

Can't you and your friend start a new twice-yearly tradition of taking the girls out for a nice lunch/shopping trip/cinema etc separate to their parties, to get round this?

Why does everyone seem to assume that the OP's DD will feel uncomfortable at a party with other children who she may not know? If she is sociable, then she would join in. Having worked in a primary school for years, I have generally found that this age group are very receptive to new faces. I could understand it more if the OP's DD had behavioural issues or care issues that would be difficult to accommodate, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

How would your daughter know about the party? I'd hope your friend will have told her DD not to mention it. You haven't answered whether or not they're at the same school, so I'm assuming the answer is no. I grew up extremely close with a cousin who was a year younger than me. Saw her all the time. Yet as I got older (around 8/9), I just had my school friends for a birthday. She wasn't friends with them, and it's not exclusionary. She'd be invited to and family gathering, but it's totally up to your friend to do something separately.

if there’s 28 kids in a class and your friend has 2 siblings, that’s 30. So maybe the price just dictates. And you can’t invited the whole class except one person so it’s easier to leave your daughter out because she won’t have to sit at school feeling excluded.

honestly too school friends are different to outside friends. They’re like a group whereas outside friends are separate. If you spend this much time together (and the other mum actively engages with this) I’d not imagine she just doesn’t like you that much. Don’t take it personally

I'm sorry but it's silly to be hurt over this. We don't invite friends dc to parties even though our dc are friends too. I fully expect a school group not random friends from everywhere.

Just like you probably have different groups of friends.

I don't even view it as a lie. She said she's doing something with school friends. That's true. The 'we're not doing anything' to me reads as 'we're not doing anything outside of a class party', it sounds nicer than having to explain it's a party just for school friends.

Now that we're many parties into this (eldest nearly 11) our approach is that if it's a class party then it's just the kids from the class, even though there are close family friends etc here too. It's too awkward for the birthday kids and the extra kid to manage, whereas if all the kids already know each other the dynamic is much more relaxed. I think it's a personal preference thing - from my perspective you were not doing the BF any favours inviting her as the only extra to your DDs class party, but I'm sure you see it differently. Don't give your BF a hard time about this.

Would she know anyone else at the party except your friend's daughter? If not, it can make it very difficult for the birthday girl as she'll feel like she needs to look after the one who doesn't know anyone else rather than spending time with others.

The daughter is at an age to choose who she wants at her party, rather than her Mums choices. You'll have to respect that.

If I was the birthday girl's mum I'd be treating this as a lesson in kindness (and before anyone snarls at me, this is NOT because she's a girl, I'd say the same if she was a boy) and encouraging her DD to include OP's DD.

Reading some of these responses makes me sad for kids who grow up with additional needs and have to contend with being left out on top of everything else. Yes it's a life lesson, but 7 is very young to have to start learning it. Poor girl. 🙁

If they are same age group, I do. So do my other friends

I didn't mean your children's parties. I mean your own. When you got married for example did you ask the offspring of your parents friends?

I just think it has to stop sometime.

When my own dd was in year three, my friend, whose dd was the first birthday of the year said to the adults that her dd was choosing herself who came to her party that year. They don't want whole class parties at that age, they just want their actual friends.

Don't know if this is the same but if they were for example having a 'school party' I would understand if your dd was not invited.
When I was younger I had friendship 'groups' if that makes sense. I had friends from church, friends from school, friends from youth leadership etc. and I wouldn't mix the groups. Like if I had a party with my school friends I wouldn't invite my 2 really good church friends. (Even if sometimes they were better friends) the school group was just bigger and made sense to share my birthday with them. I always felt like the groups don't know each other. So it wasn't a reflection of who really was my best friends, more so the group that dictated who I invited

Children at that age worry about dynamics too. If it's all class mates and an extra child, the birthday child will probably have to hang out with the extra child. It's just easier to have parties with school friends at that age and cousins and other friends meet up for something else.

We moved to the UK when DS was in year 4. He was a very well behaved, polite, soft spoken lad. Nobody from school invited him to their birthday party until he entered the secondary school. We could see him being depressed because we always organised his birthday and invited his classmates. Fortunately we had couple of good family friends and work colleagues with whom we could have close conversation and that’s all mattered.
He met a girl as soon as entered the secondary school, who is sweeter than him. It’s no exaggeration if I say she changed his world. He is in Oxford now studying Maths. He not only pulled himself up, but also encouraged and pushed this girl to work hard get a seat in computing in Oxford. The childhood love has blossomed now.
School/college friends have no pace in his personal or social life. Plenty of friends all over the UK from his footie and cricket and squash club, chess club and a couple of our good friends also! When asked about the secret of his career, he doesn’t take the name of his school. If someone asks, he doesn’t mention and says that they played no role in his career. Sad but true. Life is sometimes cruel but Karma is a bitch.
so, please don’t be disheartened because someone didn’t invite your child to their birthday party, but keep an eye on your child and their mental health. Rest will fall in line themselves.

Her daughter is growing up and has new friends. Your friend probably knew you'd react badly so tried to spare your feelings. It's not a big deal.

It doesn't matter if she said to you that it was just a few school friends and it turns out that it is a whole class party,

what the important word is here - school
and the next important word is - class

your daughter does not go to the same school
thus she is not in the same class

your daughter probably isn't even in the same school year being a year younger.

so whilst your daughters may be good friends outside of school, this is a school class party.

I think it’s quite normal to just have school friends at parties. Don’t take it personal.