Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

But if the girls see each other 2 out of every 4 weekends and go on the same holidays, they have plenty of time together. Maybe she just wanted her school friends so she could focus on them, rather than having to entertain / look after the one who knew no one else? A party with lots of children is a very different social experience from extended time one on one- latter better in my view.

Beware though of expecting them to always be friends. My dd's best friend for the past few years (late teens now) is family friends with another girl their age - their two families have been on holiday together several times and socialise a lot. The other girl is very possibly ND (I've known her since she was 3 and suspected it long ago) and her brother has had an ASD diagnosis since he was a toddler. She used to be friends with my dd but violently took against her when it was clear the friend and dd had become really close. Her father kind of blamed dd for it and the girl decided dd was leading a group of girls in 'bullying' her. However, the truth is they grew up to have more in common with each other and the other girl didn't know how to be part of a group. No one's fault but the best friend can't be expected to continue being friends with this girl anymore. (She tolerates her for family get togethers).

Ultimately as hard as it maybe to accept you have to accept it OP. By saying or doing anything at all here you risk jeopardising your friendship permanently.

No SEN but my DD always got invited to a girl across the roads party. They weren’t particularly close nor were we but we were always pleasant to one another. Her DD was extremely quiet and had very few friends so from about age 3 or 4 DD always got invited to the little girls birthday in Oct. So we felt obligated to reciprocate the invite for DD’s birthday later in the year. Attending the parties was nice at first but gradually become more awkward around age 7 / 8. I was relieved one year around age 8 / 9 when DD was no longer invited anymore so we didn’t have to reciprocate. Kids grow up and often grow apart and change friendship groups.

Why is it rubbish?

Please just stop this it's because OPs child is not a 'school friend' absolute rubbish

But it does not appear that additional needs are the reason for her not being invited in this case. It honestly just looks like the kid is having a party of her school friends. OP seems to think that her friends daughter would expect an invite to her daughter's birthday and suggests that she would be devastated if she didn't get one. I very much doubt that this is the case. The other kid probably wouldn't want to be at a party as the only person that dosen't know anyone else. The OP seems to be unable to separate her friendships from her daughters.

Not necessarily. Not all SEN results in social discomfort. Many children with SEN are very friendly and sociable. The OP's DD attended the friend's party last year (albeit as a place filler) so had there been issues, then I'm sure the OP wouldn't be wanting her daughter to attend this year's event nor would she be upset at the lack of an invite.

Agree with most of this but why the necessity to separate anybody if part of a friendship. It strikes me as controlling behaviour 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don't really know what you mean by this but I think what the poster means is it's healthy and normal to have different groups of friends. Friends from school, friends from netball, family friends.

The OP's dd isn't part of the school friendship group.

OP a lot of people have spent a lot of time providing some excellent advice from their own experiences. Please take it on board. This isn’t personal about you and shouldn’t interfere with your close friendship with your friend. Yes the girls get along really well when you are all together which is great. But your friend’s daughter just wants school friends at her party which is completely normal at this age. I bet your friend felt v awkward about the situation but quite rightly wants to put her own daughter’s wishes first. Don’t take the hump and make things awkward between you, you’ve been friends too. Take them both out for a birthday lunch or do something both kids will enjoy, bring a gift. Life’s too short. Might be an idea to widen your own snd daughter’s circle with new clubs, activities too.

It's because they don't go to the same school so she doesn't know the schoolfriends and is unlikely to see them again

A child's party is not the best place for getting to know other kids

To the posters saying if your child is not 'part of
'the group' they will feel left out, give your heads a wobble. This attitude is exactly what causes exclusion & ultimately bullying😠

At that age my kids didn’t want to mix their social groups. Their parties were school friends only because they didn’t want to have to do the work of looking after one friend who didn’t know anyone or of flitting between two separate social groups. Didn’t mean they didn’t like their other friends, just that it didn’t create the vibe they wanted at their party and would take the shine off their enjoyment.

As they got older they’ve developed the skills to mix friends better, but there are still a few friends they wouldn’t invite to join a group of other friends who already know each other well because the one friend will not mix and will spend the whole time clinging to them. Doesn’t mean they don’t like them, just that they recognise some limits of that particular friend and don’t want to sacrifice their other relationships for them.

Agree with most of this but why the necessity to separate anybody if part of a friendship. It strikes me as controlling behaviour 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

By that age they want their school friends at parties unfortunately.

I doubt it is meant as a deliberate slight.

But if she is such a good friend, why are you posting here instead of just having a conversation?

OP said her DD has SEN, does that make it more likely she wouldn't be comfortable with a lot of strangers?

I understand why you are upset, but I think they probably felt your daughter would feel left out in a party where every other child is a class mate, and equally the birthday girl would not want to feel she had to take care of your daughter all afternoon. In this situation, I would offer to meet the friend and her DD for a special treaty birthday lunch.

Try not to take it personally. (I know, easier said than done).

I always remember when I was a similar age 7/8, my mum had a close friend who had a daughter in the same class as me.
My mum insisted on inviting her friend's daughter round for tea (she was desperate for me to be friends with this girl as she and her mum were so close).
In reality I had nothing in common with this girl. We had completely different groups of friends and hardly spoke to each other.
When she came for tea, both of us just sat in awkward silence, not knowing what to do or how to talk to one another.

my children are in high school now but this will happen more and more - it’s not that the other girl doesn’t like your daughter - she is understandably proritising her school friends. It’s hard for kids when they get to a certain age work out how to integrate different groups of friends.
the girls might get on but the reality is you are taking them on holidays together - do they have a choice not to?

I would maybe confront friend in the lying. It is OK the girls are not close or one chooses not to maintain the friendship. That is life. But your BF to lie to you is not ok. What would be the reason. Are you reasonable person or so you fly off the handle and she doesn't want to cause a fight.

In any case. It is up to your daughter who she may want to invest her time into.

I agree with the majority.
YABU.
You can enjoy spending time with someone, but also have other groups of friends. Just because 2 women are friends, they can't expect their dc to grow up automatically being best friends. It is very, very normal by this age to just invite people from school and not dc of friends of parents.

@Mummybearto3bg
Maybe you are more invested in the friendship than she is. I consider your friends behaviour to be cold but there you go; you can never tell with people.

unfortunately op, you can’t force your children to be friends. As heartbreaking as it is for you, they are their own little people… with their own wants and desires.

I have found myself wondering about this a lot lately, as my friend and I also have LOs weeks apart. Will they be as good of friends to one another as my friend and I are to each other? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s okay if they aren’t.

One year I didn't invite my close friends dc to my dc birthday party. We are very close like you are. The reason being; I kept a few spaces back to invite them, ds handed out invites to some kids in his class, came home, and insisted that he invite other children from his class as he had talked about it in school. It was his party at the end of the day. There was a max on numbers at the venue. I then couldn't invite my friends' children that I had intended on inviting. They are at a tricky age. They are forming friendship groups in school. I never, for one moment, wanted to leave then out. It was just unfortunate how it worked out. Maybe your friend is in a similar situation.

My best friends kids and my kids adore each other and the eldest are the same age but I think by 8 we'd stopped inviting each other to parties, as these focussed on classmates usually. Same for cousins, who they also adore. If we do invite them it's usually as company for the sibling really. The party child is busy with their school friends and it can be hard to include someone who doesn't know the other children, changes the dynamic. They tend to keep their out of school friends separate and see them a different time, so they can properly enjoy seeing them. It really isn't a slight.

It's rubbish but you live and learn

If it's not reciprocated, I stop reaching out

I have a best friend of 30 years, DDs are 6 months apart and good friends but at different schools. They don’t go to each other’s parties - it’s done by school group here. Namely because who wants to be the only one not in the class at a party.