Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

Your friend lied by omission, i.e. playing down the fact that it was a party at all, and I would find this incredibly hurtful as it's clear you do, and I would guess it's something you'd never dream of doing.

Surely it wouldn't have hurt to invite one more child (your daughter) to save the potential upset?

I understand what others are saying - the birthday girl wants to choose who goes to her party - but surely the mom must realise how you, and your daughter, would feel when you found out?

I think you have every right to feel disappointed for your little girl.

There came a point where my kids dictated who they wanted at their parties and culled the lovely kids who were children of my NCT friends. They would never want to include someone from the year below either, even though they get on like a house on fire at beavers and football. It's part of growing up. And it's their party. So, while it would be incredibly harsh to invite a whole class and leave out one child in the class, it is not the same as leaving out those who are not in their class friendship group. It's weird that you are making this about you.

It’s up to you, how big a deal you make of this. Most of us will have had children who have been left out of something or other. It is hard but you have to help your child get a sense of perspective. I have always said to my kids that it is not possible to get invited to everything and that’s okay.

You seem insistent on making a drama out of this and potentially ruining a friendship. Listen to what people are saying here and try and get over your sense of injustice. The friend is not doing what you would do but most of us do not think what she’s doing is out of the ordinary is especially ‘mean’.

I would advise you not to make your daughter feel outraged and try and help her understand the situation. You don’t seem to really understand how children’s dynamics change over the years. You need to take a step back and focus on other things rather than over-analysing this friendship. It will just push people away.

I think you are over thinking this. It can be really hard to mix friendship groups and it does change the dynamic a lot as school friends see each other every day. When the children were little, we had Nct friends, nursery friends etc but as they’ve grown, the groups have got smaller and more tied to school.

I'll word this carefully Op. Your DD has Sen, are you worried that this means they won't have many friends so you're taking your DF's DD not inviting her more seriously than you would have done? Please just speak to your DF, don't wind yourself up with the what ifs

My kids adore their cousins and are really close to them and when they were toddlers and reception age they would always come to our birthday parties and vice versa.

These days (secondary school) they are still close, still love to see one another and ask to meet up but none of them would invite their cousins to their birthdays. They just aren't in the same social circles so it would be odd.

Looking back I can't recall when it stopped but maybe it was around 7/8. It just felt like a natural evolution and I don't recall anyone being offended. It doesn't mean they aren't still friends.

Don't sweat it and arrange to meet up some other time.

You're overthinking it.

At this age it's about the children choosing the people they're friends with, and usually that will be friendships groups from school or any clubs they do.

Family friends tend to fall into two categories at this age: friends who met because their parents are friends and they seek to sustain a friendship independent of their parents' friendship and being friends because they play together when the parents meet up.

I think this is what's upsetting. If the roles were reversed, I'd say 'no, so and so is coming, you're not leaving them out". Because even as an adult, you feel horrible being left out.

But she isn't "being left out".

If I go for a meal with the people in my choir, my workmates don't feel left out.
If I do an event with my friends from Church, my choir mates don't feel left out.
If my work pals and I go for a meal for my birthday, nobody from Church or choir would expect to come.
They are different groups. Nobody 'is being left out' because they aren't part of that group in the first place. In the same way, your dd isn't part of the group of schoolfriends that are being invited to this particular party.

So friend tells you that they are only inviting school friends and you are sitting there thinking what you have done wrong.

But if she'd said her daughter didn't want to invite yours you would be totally fine with it?

Why not just ask her?

You know her better than all of us posters and she knows you better than us. Is she someone that is usually assertive or dislikes confrontation? Is there a reason she would be hesitant to tell you this? You say that it would have been ok but this is after finding out that your daughter wasn’t invited. If she had told you before invitations went out that her daughter hadn’t invited yours, would you have accepted it or questioned it?

I am sorry, I read most of the answers, but still. I think your so-called best friend is a swine. End of.

Between 6 and 8 there's a big shift in socialising time, @Mummybearto3bg. Prior to that it was more of a free for all, children from different areas of life mixed pretty well.

Then the shift to "friendship groups" happens. School friends, family friends, friends from a sporting activity, friends from Brownies/Cubs etc - they tend to keep these groups pretty distinct when socialising.

At 8, my DC would have felt uncomfortable to go to their (beloved) cousins' birthday parties as they wouldn't know most of the attendees and would feel awkward.

Your friend has gone for a school-friends-only celebration. That's totally normal and common.

My own personal workaround for close friendships outside the school party thing was to invite the good friend over for a different mini-celebration. "I know Alice is have a school party this year, would she like to come to Starbucks with Mia for a fancy hot chocolate on Tuesday to celebrate her birthday?"

we have family friends like this and no longer include them in birthday parties - we also moved recently and my children don't invite their best friends from their old school to school parties.

I think you are looking at this the wrong way - you can have a 'best mate' and not invite them if every other child is in your class at school.

For example my son has been going to parties locally with kids he only knows now for about a year - so clearly he is being invited to small group parties INSTEAD of the older / better friends of these children - just because he is now in their class etc and they are sticking to school mates.

Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:41
I have fallen out with my entire family

well there’s a surprise.

OP i suspect you are actively looking for a reason to have a big fall out

I can empathise. My child has SEN and I’d always felt that at least they’ll be invited to my friends kids parties. They love a party but don’t get school invites. Then in the past year 2 of my closest friends kids haven’t invited them to their party. I know logically that they can invite who they choose as they get older but I still feel sad for my child that the few party invites they got previously are drying up.

Yadnbu
Your ‘friend’ is a very mean woman.

Because you’re clearly sensitive.

a very very close family like best friend

that you don’t seem all that keen on and certainly can’t open up to

They don't go to the same school

and that op is why

Kindly, you need to stop over analysing. Tons of people have responded how it's not about you. It's a class party, much simpler to have it that way for a number of reasons listed.
She feels awkward mentioning it to you and it's not difficult to see why.

OP, is there any reason you’re not just bringing it up with your best friend? Why spend the weekend wondering and stewing about it.

Maybe the birthday girl didn’t want to invite her.

At that age, I would think the children would be deciding who they wanted to invite.

YANBU to be hurt and if this is your best friend, could it be possible she didn’t know how to tell you that her daughter didn’t want to invite yours to her party. My best friend and I despite being best friends for over a decade still struggle with telling each other things we think will hurt one another. However, we do power through it no matter how uncomfortable we are.

You could ask her upfront or let it go, depends on how much this will play on your mind.

(Edited after OP’s recent post)

I would think that for bf child, having your loving DD think the world of her, while delightful at times, may be a bit of a burden at her party. Your DD, knowing no one else, will want her friends attention. Her friend will want to spend time with her school friends without feeling the need to make sure your DD is ok. I love my best friend. But I wouldn't invite her on a night out with my work colleagues. Try to see it that way.