Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

This thread has got bizarre with people talking about situations that are nothing like the OP.

Yes, it’s not good to leave out one or two girls from their class, but that’s not what’s happening here.

Birthday girl is having a party with a bunch of school friends. Birthday girl’s mum has a friend with a daughter of a similar age at a different school and the mum’s friend is cross her daughter didn’t get invited.

It honestly wouldn’t occur to me to be bothered about this (I have been in the same situation and it is completely normal to just have school friends!).

Because it allows them to pontificate about how great they are compared to everyone else I've found!

For two years we were at a small primary school and my eldest was at the age where parties were all the girl's in the class. The parties excluded 1 girl (my daughter didn't ever do this) in the class.

Why are people mentioning situations that are so completely different to the situation in the OP?

@libbylane your post confused me as it seems you are advocating for someone to invite only who they want but chastising the woman the op talks about? (Unless I've picked you up wrong?)
Also your friend emails 20 people to tell them to buy her dd a gift but doesn't reciprocate?

But this is different when a friend is excluded

The girl is having a birthday party with just school friends, that’s fine and perfectly normal and acceptable not to include out of school friends. If there were 10 girls in her class and she was inviting 8 of them-that would count as ‘excluding’.

I totally agree @Mummybearto3bg I see where you are coming from. I hear clearly that they are really good friends and her DD has always been invited to your daughter's party. I also agree with others who see how hurtful it is to not be included. I am always amazed at how parents allow for exclusion that is obvious and so hurtful. For two years we were at a small primary school and my eldest was at the age where parties were all the girl's in the class. The parties excluded 1 girl (my daughter didn't ever do this) in the class. My daughter thought it was so cruel. This girl was very very bright (genius IQ) and ASD with tics and I always felt that was a big and horrible reason why. When my DD invited her to her party, her Mum actually contacted me to tell me her daughter cried at the invite she was so happy. This girl btw is now sixth form age and highly successful, runs her own business, predicted all A's. Many many friends through her hobbies. A delight.

A similar thing happened to us this weekend @Mummybearto3bg with a friend whose dd I always send a card & pressie to. She actually contacts about 20 of us to ask via email each year to not forget her SEN daughter's birthday. This little girl has significant SEN so she let her make a list of who to invite, and I can see it only included people she's seen in the last month and the dc of Mum's closest friends. She has significant longer term memory challenges so if she hadn't seen anyone in the last month she may not think to say them. Anyway, she and my DD are friends. My younger DD is so kind with her, has helped her with swimming, art, it's truly lovely to watch and my friend always gets teary saying how my daughter sees her DD as an equal and she really does. My dd doesn't define people by their disability and genuinely sees her daughter as a friend. Anyway, hey are having a big party today and my daughter isn't invited.

I am not vindictive so even once I saw what was happening I still bought a really lovely, unique gift i know she will love and sent it. This friend has never once sent my dc so much as a card. But asks every year for something for her dd so she feels loved/cherished/special. For me it's about the dd not my friend. We've invited her DD to parties but she has never come b/c the Mum is very scared of germs. We even had a party outside fully (with tents) in hope she could be included but b/c we couldn't confirm all guests were fully vaccinated, she didn't feel comfortable with her DD attending.

This stuff when dc are close but not thought of hurts and does make you look at whether your dc are taken advantage of by being a friend when needed, and excluded when not. Not a nice feeling and sadly something many parents' orchestrate.

Before anyone says it, yes people have a right to invite who they want. But this is different when a friend is excluded, especially when the friend always includes their dc.

I expect she didn’t tell you because she was worried how you would react.

OP: you are focussing on being ‘left out’ and the party being central to whether you are ‘close’ or not.

As children grow events evolve so that people are not ‘left out’ because they wouldn’t have been invited in the first place. Is your Dd ‘left out’ if your friend goes on a day trip to the seaside at a weekend? Are you ‘left out’ if your friend meets a different friend for a pizza? No, because everyone does some things independently.

You are used to birthday parties being as they were when the children were tiny but they evolve.

It really doesn’t automatically mean your friend is not ‘close’, if she is still doing family weekends and holidays with you.

Your responses to replies don’t really show you understanding different views and responses to your own and you are still taking the whole thing very personally.

Close friends should be able to tell the truth e.g ‘her party is based around the school group this year’, but it is also our responsibility to make it straightforward for people to tell us the truth.

Also, it is a tricky thing that generally younger children ‘adore’ older children and want to be included, while older children can feel impatient at having to include younger ones all the time.

You're a bit confused. Parties have limited invite numbers. People who aren't invited are not by default excluded. Exclusion would be a minority left out of a defined group (e.g. a class).

They don’t even go to the same school!

So you and people with your opinion think it's ok to exclude children who 'dont know' the majority. If this isn't a dredful life lesson I dont know what is. Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of
'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

I really disagree with this. Children are allowed to have time with their school friends. They are allowed to have fun and a pleasurable time. Not everything needs to be a worthy lesson.

What do you think of what @NewName24 said?

If I go for a meal with the people in my choir, my workmates don't feel left out.
If I do an event with my friends from Church, my choir mates don't feel left out.
If my work pals and I go for a meal for my birthday, nobody from Church or choir would expect to come.
They are different groups. Nobody 'is being left out' because they aren't part of that group in the first place. In the same way, your dd isn't part of the group of schoolfriends that are being invited to this particular party.

I just don't see how every single person that you have a connection with can be invited to everything that you do.

oh give over

you’ve started a thread on this birthday issue and don’t like fact that it would seem you wouldn’t be reasonable to go for the big fall out option you clearly pang for

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong. It is hurtful to feel left out, especially if you are the kind of person who wouldn't have not invited your friend's dd.
But otoh, some kids do have home friends and school friends and prefer the separation. Or just aren't as close to your child as you'd thought. It's sad but it's not wrong exactly.

I do agree with pp that if your child isn't included, then you need to step back from insisting that your dd invites this other child to her own events. Let their relationship evolve or not, naturally!

I think I'd let this go, not mention it to dd and at the same time don't encourage or allow too much reliance on this other child for your own DD's social activities outside of school. Maybe see the mum on her own a bit more and leave the kids out of meet-ups if you can. I wouldn't want my dd to feel used, so I'd pull back a bit tbh.

Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of 'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

Yeah, why should a child get to have a fun stress free party to celebrate their birthday with the friends they’d like to have there. They should put other people’s feelings first. Selfish bastards 🙄

If it was just that her daughter simply didn't want to invite my daughter.. thats absolutely ok, but why not just say that to me? Instead I'm sat here thinking what have we done wrong
This whole thread it probably why she could not say that to you.
The idea that you're so focused on what 'you' might have done wrong rather than listening to advice and understanding that it changes around this age. It just does, no matter whether you insist you would never ever allow your daughter to pick her own party invitees.
A school friends party is for school friends and that is perfectly ok. Your dd is not part of that group. The burden of ensuring everyone gets along ok and your dd doesn't feel out of place when everyone else knows each other would fall to the birthday girl. It would change the whole vibe of the party, not fair to the one whose celebration it is and one reason groups tend to start separating at this age. I mean, I find the whole birthday party every single year is overkill anyway and the rubbish of having to make sure adults aren't upset by a childs party is tiresome. And, lets' be honest, it's the ADULTS who take offence over these childrens parties. And the whole ridiculous notion of "doing something special" on the same day just adds to that. They're guided by us so it's a real disservice to them to ensure you get the kids on side and make them understand why they should be upset as well.🙄

Mothers are so very petty. I say mothers because they're the majority of the posters. Yep, you show em. No invite for your kid next time! 😂

So you and people with your opinion think its ok to exclude children who 'dont know' the majority. If this isn't a dredful life lesson I dont know what is. Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of
'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

I just couldn’t get upset about this. There’s a massive difference between a whole reception class party and slightly more select party aged 8. Things will evolve further over the years, eventually it will be a small group of three of five kids.

You’re being sensitive. Her daughter is at an age where school friends are clicky and she would feel pressure to invite all class mates which is expensive enough. Inviting your daughter who wouldn’t know anyone but the birthday girl is just putting pressure on her child. Just because you two are best friends doesn’t mean you need to force your children to be.

thats strange! Maybe check in with your daughter and ask if there has been any issues between the girls? Maybe they don’t really hang out at school?

Your friend lied by omission

Possibly because she was aware the OP would over react like this ??

and I would find this incredibly hurtful

but why ? It's not 'hurtful' to not be invited to something you aren't part of.
The OP's dd isn't in the school / class. The party is people from school.

Surely it wouldn't have hurt to invite one more child (your daughter) to save the potential upset?

and for how many years is she supposed to do this ?
Who would even want to be invited somewhere because someone else had told you you had to ?

I understand what others are saying - the birthday girl wants to choose who goes to her party

Doesn't sound as if you do

but surely the mom must realise how you, and your daughter, would feel when you found out?
Well no, because - as demonstrated by all the posters on this thread, there is no expectation that anyone would be hurt by an 8 year old inviting her schoolfriends to celebrate her birthday.
I mean, the only surprising thing here is that the OP's dd was still invited when she was 6 and when she was 7, not that she wasn't invited now that she is 8.

I absolutely hate mixing friends from different places. I’ll avoid it at all costs. It just makes me stressed, wondering if everyone is getting on OK or if anyone is feeling left out. I’m also a subtley different person in different company, talk about different things, may even express different views on occasion. I also felt the same with my kids parties. We’d often have a party for school friends, then maybe a trip out with a nursery friend. I hated mixing them.

In the situation you describe, I can easily imagine your friend and her DD thinking it’ll be easier just to stick to school friends, so everyone knows each other and no one has to be watched out for.

Just because you and your DD would have been OK with her not really knowing everyone, it doesn’t mean your friend would have been.

The lying isn’t great, but I expect she was trying not to hurt your feelings.

I wouldn’t over-think this. It’s nothing yourself or your DD has done. Your friend will have her own reasons - perhaps she feels her DD will play with yours mostly and not mingle with her school friends, perhaps she wanted to keep the party to school friends only, perhaps she wants to get to know the school parents better without having to entertain you/feel as if you are watching her, perhaps she wants to branch out a little and make more friends.

Really if you were to think deeply about it, it’s no big deal. It’s a child’s party. I’m sure your DD has other friends and also invitations to her own school friends parties.

Obviously I can’t speak for OP’s daughter, but when I was a kid, I would have rather not been invited than be invited as someone else’s “lesson in kindness.” If there’s one thing more insulting than people snubbing you, it’s people pitying you.

But I don’t think the birthday girl in this situation is snubbing anyone. I was friends with a girl between the ages of four and fourteen or so; we went to preschool/nursery school together, and then different schools. I went to her first birthday party after we went to separate schools, but after that first year, we’d go see a movie together or something like that.

It seems like the two daughters see each other a lot, OP. Is it possible your friend’s daughter likes your daughter well enough, but feels she spends enough time with her already and not enough time with school friends outside of school?

I don’t have a problem with this.

My closest friend has a daughter a year older than mine. When they were younger, they were invited to each other’s parties but as they got older, they just had school friends-that’s pretty normal stuff. Then it got into sleepovers and things which was just a few close mates who all got on well. The girls are now adults and still friends, though still don’t really mix each other with old school friends!