Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

My BF and I have children similar ages, they went to each other's parties until they were about this age as they don't go to the same schools and so had different friendship groups, if it's a class party, it can be awkward having a child that doesn't know anyone apart from the birthday child.

OK, so my kids have cousins they are really close to. See each other weekly, holidays, sleep overs eyc etc. Live locally but different schools. They were never invited to each others birthday parties with school friends.

I personally think this is mean. However I will be in a tiny minority and the reality is that this is normal and most people will say it’s fine. It will be because your friend’s DD has school friends and she doesn’t want your DD tagging along and changing the dynamic. The fact that your DD is a year younger will be a factor too. Personally I’d be upset with my friend but I don’t know that there’s anything you can do. Next year I wouldn’t invite her DD and maybe work on starting to protect your DD from this friendship- she may get hurt as they get older. Focus on your adult friendship and keep the girls more separate perhaps.

Well I think your all talking bollocks. If my best friend had a child, who had grown up with my kid, even if they do have SEN, I would absolutely invite them. In my opinion she is not your friend and not a nice person to boot!

Your friend wasn’t ‘lying’ - she was trying to save you and your daughter’s feelings. Would it have been better if your friend had told you her daughter didn’t want to invite yours? I’m afraid the dynamic of your friends’ children being your children’s friends changes once they’re at school. A 3/4yr old will likely play with whoever is around. An 8yr old, not so much. It’s extremely difficult to navigate, when your children stop being so compliant and, quite rightly, want to choose their own friends, who are not necessarily your friends’ children. Don’t take it personally.

It's normal to invite school friends but not your parents friends children at this age.
If they are not in the same class at school you have to accept this.
Your friend obviously didn't know how to explain it well to you but even if it's a whole class party they are still the school friends.
You just can't push a friendship on children because you are friends with the mother. If the girls get on well at meet ups that's fantastic but don't push too hard or you may find the other child pushes back hard and rejects your daughter.

It is difficult for any child to be the odd one out at a party. We either do school friends or friends and family in groups where all the kids know at least half the other. Not just the birthday child.
Otherwise either that child gets left out, or if they know a couple they split into groups and birthday child feels conflicted.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Your 'friend' has a lot to answer for. She thinks it's OK to invite your daughter to a party to make up numbers, but she's not worthy of a proper invite? Given how close you all seem to be, I'd be fuming about her treatment of your daughter and would either be very upfront and honest about her behaviour or ditch her altogether. How upsetting for you both.

You need to separate out the fact the girls only spend time together because you two are friends.

It is quite normal to do just classmates parties and as they get older there may be other friends from sports clubs, hobby classes etc too so you need to accept she doesn't get an invitation just because her mum is mates with you.

Please don't make this an issue. If you want to celebrate her birthday why not invite them over to tea and a play date separately and buy some cup cakes.

It is awkward and I would feel upset too, however I think it's normal.

We have a group of friends and we would always invite each other's kids to the parties. My eldest is 6 and I can see already that we won't be inviting our friends kids to future parties. They have a different group of school friends and I think it just changes over time.

Are they in the same class?

Is she a friend of this girl though? I wouldn't expect my best friend to invite my child just because they knew each other - they'd have to be genuine friends themselves. The fib was to make you feel better, but has backfired.

If it's a party full of school friends (which is likely at that age) then your daughter would feel left out anyway and your friends daughter would spend most of her time at the party with them, as they are a group.
I actually understand the lying. She feels awkward and uncomfortable about it.
Im not saying I wouldn't be upset in your shoes though.
Maybe message your friend and suggest a day out the four of you to celebrate her daughters birthday?

Totally normal not to invite your daughter. She wouldn’t know anyone apart from the birthday girl.

It's awkward. Things like this can be so hard to navigate for all concerned.
Your friend doesn't want to hurt your feelings so rather than have that difficult conversation, she lied. Not great but I guess it's understandable. Her dd isn't invested in yours and wants her classmates. Your dd won't know anyone else there except the birthday girl. What is her mum to do? Insist? Tell the truth? Wiggle out of it with a lie?

I feel for you so much. Not everything in life has a clear path or conclusion. Some things are just crap. xx

I wouldn't really consider it lying either. A white lie to be polite, rather than saying your DD is younger and doesn't know the others and her DD doesn't really want her there or doesn't consider her a good friend would be quite hurtful, and I'm sure the other mum doesn't want to say that. There might have been better ways to put it, but if she was under pressure, that's what might have come out at the time - that they were just doing something with school friends, trying to minimise it so that you wouldn't be hurt. It might have backfired, but her intention was probably to not hurt you or your DD.

Not unusual. My niece and daughter are 8 weeks apart. Each go to different schools. Each have their own "school friends" birthday party.

I'd say from 7+ invites go from being whole class parties to 5-6 close school friends anyway.

They aren't friends. You are friends with the mother.
It does happen, and while the kids are very young, it's fine. But then, as others have said, it starts being awkward as hell for the child who has been "obligatorily" invited.

See also cousins who aren't actually that close.

At some point parties change from kids that you want to invite, to children that your child wants to invite. Which is as it should be. Her lies are white lies to protect your feelings.

Honestly my parents arranged playdates when i was at school (i was sen just not known as this was decades ago) and would get me to go to other kids parties due to adults being friends. It was awkward as hell, the kids already knew each other and clearly didn't want to play with me 😅

She kind of told you, they aren't doing other party than the school friends one this year. How many school friends is irrelevant.

I think that children of friends really only get invited in the preschool years. I think you're reading too much into it. I wonder if your child has fewer friends, maybe because of SEN issues and you have unreasonable expectations of your friend to fill the gap?

I think your friend is lying to spare your feelings Op. Her DD hasn't asked your DD to come and she doesn't want to tell you. Try not to take it personally, DC chop and change friends at that age

And regarding the lying. Friend is clearly feeling under pressure to invite to invite OP's DD and she lied to save the awkward conversation.