Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

I think if I were in your shoes I’d have second thoughts about accepting if she were invited tbh as it’s a recipe for someone being upset on the day.

I have Mum friends locally, one of whom has dds at my dds school (hers are twins, all are 15). They’re not mates any more although they get on fine, aren’t enemies. They just have different interests. They wouldn’t invite each other to stuff.

Another friend in the group, her twins go to a different school but still have loads in common with my Dd. Just how it goes.

It’s a whole class party. Your daughter might only know her daughter and therefore her daughter would have to prioritise your daughter over her school friends who are probably her BEST friends to prevent her being left out .
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your daughter.

Mine are 12 and 8 . Generally with parties we didn’t mix groups of friends so the birthday child didn’t have to choose so a party with friends from a club or party with friends from school or a tea party with ‘family friends’.

Though I agree the lying about it isn't nice, there is nothing wrong with saying its classmates only this year

I forgot to ask, was the party an activity your child would struggle with?

I think it's completely normal. Her daughter may love your daughter like a sister...but not everyone wants their sister at a birthday party for their friends. If every single other person at the party is in the same class at school and knows each other really well and your daughter doesnt know anyone well other than birthday girl then it will completely change the dynamic of the party from birthday girls perspective as the birthday girl is likely to want to hang out with her and she may be worried that she is going to have to look out for your daughter, check she is not on her own etc. It's like you taking a school friend on a work night out, might be fine but you're going to be making sure all night that your school friend isn't on her own etc

Op I have kids with sen. I think they may be the kinds of people who compartmentalise . You and your daughter are good for holidays. You arent part of the school party bunch. Id be so upset and wary of the relationship. If its the daughters choice to not your daughter, then same rules can apply to your daughter. If it's the mum leading on this, then you may need to rethink things

Very kindly, I think it’s understandable if the older child only wants school friends there, or at least friends her own age. She won’t want to be looking after a younger child who doesn’t know anyone else, making the effort to include her etc She’ll want to relax and be herself.

Do you think also what comes across as “very loving” to you might come across as a bit clingy to a child one year older?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not inviting your DD. At that age they are developing their own friendships rather than being friends just because their parents are close. When my DD was in nursery I formed a close friendship group with 3 other mums, and 16 years later we are still close (we were out together last night, in fact). Of the four girls, my DD is still close friends with one of them, knows the other well enough to have a chat if they meet on the street, and the other she doesn’t talk to at all - no reason, they just don’t. It doesn’t mean your friend’s DD doesn’t like your DD. It just means that she doesn’t see her as a close friend - and that might be sad for your DD but it’s not unexpected. Kids develop different friendships as their tastes and interests change. It’s part of growing up. Your friend shouldn’t have lied to you but did so because she didn’t want to hurt you or your daughter. I’d encourage your daughter to explore other friendships groups. It’s not good for her to be too reliant on one friend.

You haven't answered whether they go to school or not?

My DD is similar age and a lot of parents just do a school class party, it changes the dynamic if there are other kids there.

I think its weird of your friend to not just say they're doing a class party only though

It’s sad but you can’t do much about it I’m afraid 🥲

Does your daughter know any of your friend’s daughters other friends? If not, she’s likely to feel the odd one out if she went. If she was invited along with with a load of the girl’s school friends who know each other well, at that age they’d probably stick together and she’d feel even more sidelined and hurt.

My best friend has a daughter the same age as mine (now adults) and they get on great when they see each other, but we stopped inviting them each other’s parties at the age of about 5. They didn’t go to the same school and had no mutual friends, so by 7 or 8 they definitely had their own separate friendship groups.

By the way, if your DD has a party, don’t invite the friend’s daughter as it definitely goes both ways. There’s no reason why they still can’t enjoy hanging out together when you and your friend meet up.

I think this thread will go the way of so many wedding threads with the theme of 'it's not about whose birthday/wedding it is! It's about the guests and what THEY want, how selfish to assume you can invite who you want to your party!'...

Family friends children were invited until about year 1 then it was class friends by that age. Quite easy to navigate and wasn’t really a problem. Only difference was that we were honest and didn’t hide the fact that at that age they want to choose their own party mates.

Relationships mature just because she wasn’t invited doesn’t mean they aren’t friends. We all have different friendship groups that’s normal.
Why not start a different tradition invite the other family out for a girly near birthday treat. This could be more personal and enjoyable for both girls.
I know change is hard but try not to take this to heart x

So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties?

Every parent will deal with if differently, so some will force their child to accept that Auntie Sharon's child is coming whether they like it or not, and other parents will let their child choose who they want to invite.

It sounds like your friend has done the latter, which is perfectly normal. You don't know what conversations have gone on behind the scenes, but I can see why an 8 year old wants her class friends at her party and not a younger family friend (and the age difference of a school year can be huge at 8, despite it seeming irrelevant to you).

I would suggest you all go out for a meal or something to celebrate her birthday if you want your DD to be involved. It's natural that children's friendships like this will ebb and flow over the years so try not to take it personally.

Exactly this, especially if they are not even in the same year/class.

I agree with this

This is quite normal. The birthday girl wants to hang out with her school friends, if she invited your daughter along(who presumably doesn’t know the school friends?) then she would have to spend the party looking after her as she doesn’t know anyone. It’s not like when they are little and it doesn’t matter if they all know each other or not. It’s ok to choose to keep friendship groups separate.

She’s done this because your daughter doesn’t know the school friends, and her daughter has most likely said that it’ll be awkward introducing your daughter at her party. I can kind of understand that.
But her downplaying the event is pretty shitty of your friend. Yes, she probably reasons to herself that she’s saving your and daughter’s feelings, but it’s a lie. There’s no getting away from that. I’d personally be bringing it up with her. I’d be candid and tell her I knew about the large party, see if she’ll be honest about it. You can’t really push for an invite at this stage, that would be even more awkward and forced, but it would clear the air and prevent any resentment/future lies.

I would think that maybe if it is your friend's daughter's class, your daughter will not know anyone else - so would be left alone a lot?.

Like I said before OP, some things don't have a clear path or a neat acceptable conclusion. Some things are just a bit tough to swallow and the process is what it is.
Life is a series of variables that shift our perceptions. So yes, this event will likely cause you to view your friend/friendship with a different perspective. Maybe it will hurt but that's experience for you.
Fwiw I don't think your friend has done anything wrong as such...but I do imagine you are tangibly disappointed that they aren't as absolute as you thought.

Wee heads up: no one is.
Lots of love. x

It is a difficult one. As a parent, you want your child to have the party they'd like and you obviously want them to enjoy it. At the ages your children are though, I would be having some input into the decisions. If your friend's DD would be genuinely upset at being excluded from your DD's party, then as her mum, I would be explaining that your DD will feel the same. I would want my child to be empathetic. Does your DD know about the party? Hopefully, if not, then your friend can point out to her DD that it would be very unkind to discuss it in front of your DD when you next meet up.

I think some people get over-invested in their children’s friendships and social lives and struggle to separate that from their own. It does not sound that healthy.

I think your use of the words nasty and mean are very over-the-top here. My kids are young adults now and we all have good relationships with our friends and friends’ children. It was not dependent on being invited to school birthday parties. There is so much more to healthy friendships.

This all feels a little bit petty to me. In my experience, there comes a point where it is just too difficult to accommodate all school friends and all out of school friends, and that’s ok. Maybe you live in a wealthy area where people can cater for 40 plus kids. Nobody we know is that sensitive I guess.