Can my boss contact my husband?

I think he’s come from a good place but gone about it wrong, so I’d just tell him that he’s added more stress and what could have happened if your circumstances were different. If you’re very upset and want him to be properly spoken to then I’d involve HR, but I personally would bring it up with him myself.

If my boss had contacted my abusive ex with concerns, it would have tipped my ex into a violent rage. It would have been 'proof' there was 'something going on'
My ex would have used this as evidence to punish me over and over.

Your boss is so completely out of line I would consider this a disiplinary matter.
It is only luck that this contact is embarrasing and not catastrophic.

No your boss should absolutely not have texted your husband. Potentially came from good intentions but still- that’s a no go.

It's completely inappropriate and absolutely not "lovely" or "thoughtful" or "caring".

Unless there's a medical emergency, the boss has no business contacting anyone's spouse and checking up on them. I'm stunned that so many people are defending it.

And surely, if the boss is so 'lovely' and 'cares' so much, they could simply have had another talk to the OP and offered some support directly?!

That's really out of line. It's not 'lovely' at all - putting pressure on you to take optional overtime isn't great in itself, but contacting your husband about it is appalling. I don't believe for a minute that anyone responsible enough to be someone's boss, is dim enough not to understand the implications of this sort of thing.

Is it ? Is it really?

Nothing lovely or caring about any of it.

So he wants you to do overtime, so he's trying to get your husband to get you to do it?

Absolutely nothing to do with him

It's like he's treating your husband like your 'home' boss.

No! Definitely tell him not to do that again, for all the reasons given on this thread

He probably shouldn't have done it however it sounds like he's done it from a place of concern which is lovely that he cares.

Then they need extra training, as that message isn't in any way helpful, is a breach of privacy and could be dangerous.

There are plenty of things ,procedures and policies available to a manager can do to help a struggling employee, none of them involve messaging that employee's family members . There's a reason for that.

But wouldn't it be so much easier?

From your boss's point of view, when s/he dealt with your husband previously your husband was planning something nice for you. It sounds very much as if your boss was genuinely doing what s/he thought would be helpful. Yes, explain matters to your boss, but I can't really see that this Is something to take to HR.

I would not be happy with this at all and it is really inappropriate.

I don't think it matters how he obtained your husband's number, he should not have discussed anything relating to you regarding work with him. Yes, I accept his intentions have come from a caring place, however, what happens at work is between employer and employee...nobody else!

She doesn't have to explain! OP's Manager is not entitled to information about her DH's Mental Health and she should not have to justify working her contracted hours.

The only time I have contacted an employees husband was when I had a 12 digit number for her in our HR portal, she had been off suddenly for 3 days with no contact and I needed to follow our AWOL processes.

Your manager has overstepped here, but I would see it as coming fr a genuine place of concern. Why did you not fully explain what's going on with you and why your not taking overtime?

I’m sure your boss thought they were doing the right thing and had good intentions at the time. They had been given your DH number in relation to a non-work event and had not had to access your information through company records so no breech of confidential info.

Realistically, it was a breech of your trust and overstepping the relationship between colleagues. It could also be dangerous to other members of staff in the event of an abusive relationship.

I would have a quiet word and see what the manager has to say. If they are apologetic and recognise their actions were inappropriate, I would leave it there. If not, escalate it to HR.

It's an abuse of power. If your boss hasn't had your dh's number they would have just had to take your word for it that you were OK.

Also I'm not sure why everyone is jumping to conclusions about your dh, I think it's pretty normal to be annoyed if someone adds to your spouse's stress.

So many people are spectacularly missing the point here. OP's manager having "good intentions" and their "heart being in the right place" is not relevant. As a Manager, you are bound by your organisations policies and procedures. You can be kind and caring towards your staff while still maintaining professional boundaries. If you are concerned about an employee you raise your concerns through the proper channels, not by texting their spouse behind their back to pry into their personal life! OP is not a child, she is entitled to choose how much of her personal life she shares with colleagues.

The issue of Domestic Abuse is, of course, pertinent given that we know it is so prevalent and often hidden. But there are many other reasons why OP, or her DH, may not want to disclose their personal/family circumstances to her Manager. OP's DH could be suffering from a serious illness or something traumatic could have happened to him. The marraige could be going through a rocky patch, they could be struggling with infertility or someone could have been unfaithful. Or maybe nothing sinister is going on at all but they are just private people! The Manager has no idea what is going on for OP's DH and he/she is not entitled to know.

I also note the references to overtime and that the Manager even mentioned this in the text to OP's DH. This makes me question whether he/she is acting out of genuine concern, or whether they have their own agenda. OP should not be pressured into taking extra shifts and nor should she have to give away personal/family information she is not comfortable disclosing in order to justify working her contracted hours.

I'd be really cross if my boss went behind my back. They should have been asking you if there's anything they could do to support you.
I don't know about going to HR but I'd definitely be having words with your boss.

My boss did this when I was off sick following a bereavement. I was genuinely off sick-I caught covid at my mums funeral (probably) and was very rough with it. I'd been I touch with my manager as per procedure and all was fine. But my boss, one above my line manager contacted my husband using my emergency next of kin details to see if if I was really ill or 'just upset due to my mum'. I was fucking livid. I complained about her to HR or our HR person-it was a small start up company-but nothing happened and I left eventually as o could t get over the arrogance of it!

Your boss is way out of line. Good intentions or not:

-As PPs have said, it would be dangerous in case there were abuse issues at home
-He should just accept you’re not doing overtime. I refused to do overtime at my new job because I needed the time to look after my 1 year old. End of.
-If he was concerned, he should have approached you directly

That is not how you deal with an employee you suspect might be vulnerable/has an issue. As a manager they should know that. If they don't,they need extra training. There was nothing kind about that manager's actions.

Appologies Op, you mentioned that “My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.”, which doesn’t sound like you are just picking up the kids from school yourself, but like something else was going on.

People do not need to get violent to be abusive, if you feel the current exhaustion you have is because his stress is stressing you up, it may be a good idea to take a step back, talk to your husband about how his stress is affecting home life and how you can both make things easier for each other. He may not realise how his stress is affecting you, but if you think what you feel is of no importance and that you cannot have such conversation, there may be some behaviours there that you may need to take more seriously.

Or telling her husband she IS doing overtime for various reasons and now he'd know she isn't.

I’d also be curious to know if their main issue is concern or if they’re actually just hacked off about the lack of overtime being done.