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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:43

Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 17:40

I agree, but if you are hot headed it can be very difficult not to react, the anger leaps up instantly and boils over before you have chance to stop it. If you are a small woman fear of getting your arse kicked will probably stop you thumping someone, a large athletic man doesnt have that fear and that's why men turn into tyrants more readily than women do.
I am not condoning the actions of hot heads and I notice that now I'm older (late 50's) I dont react like I used to, the volcano is now dormant!

In fairness OP could be a tall and sturdy woman and this could be a little old skinny man who felt threatened, if it's about size and strength.

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:43

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:39

Your posts are ridiculous, dramatic and ott. OPs child is not going to grow up to batter everyone in his path because he witnessed his mother standing up for herself a few times.

And you are ridiculous for enabling poor behaviour. I bet you're angry too 😅.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:41

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:11

Your son will grow up to copy your behaviours, and being a man, full of testosterone, will most likely end up hitting people where you mostly just shout. Think about the kind of future you are setting up for him. You don't right wrongs by verbally attacking people.

Wow I'm raising a danger to all women look out. And I have two of them! Future monsters. Seriously though I don't want to model bad behaviour to them, I want them to be well adjusted individuals who champion women (and other men!).

OP posts:
Princesspollyyy · 09/02/2024 17:41

@Namechangey23

So you don't think you have anger management issues but you suspect you were being unreasonable and want help to see why you are behaving this way in situations?

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:41

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:38

I need to find a way to stop and think first. Someone said count to 10 so i guess practice mindfulness?! Also to remind myself I cannot control other people's behaviour, only my own. Also to deal with adrenaline, not so clear on that, maybe Beta blockers?! Aside from that learn some de-escalation techniques in case..? Change car to a mini and give way to reversing cars as a pedestrian. Ok I'm joking on the last one.

Get a ginkel instead 😁

Cerealkiller4U · 09/02/2024 17:40

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:38

I need to find a way to stop and think first. Someone said count to 10 so i guess practice mindfulness?! Also to remind myself I cannot control other people's behaviour, only my own. Also to deal with adrenaline, not so clear on that, maybe Beta blockers?! Aside from that learn some de-escalation techniques in case..? Change car to a mini and give way to reversing cars as a pedestrian. Ok I'm joking on the last one.

Therapy would work for anger management

the first line shouldn’t be medication because many things like that can be sorted without it nowadays

Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 17:40

jhy · 09/02/2024 17:33

Just like how you say things, people bite back too.
I cannot bear people who confront in public, it never resolves the problem, only escalates leaving both people wound up and the situation worse.

I agree, but if you are hot headed it can be very difficult not to react, the anger leaps up instantly and boils over before you have chance to stop it. If you are a small woman fear of getting your arse kicked will probably stop you thumping someone, a large athletic man doesnt have that fear and that's why men turn into tyrants more readily than women do.
I am not condoning the actions of hot heads and I notice that now I'm older (late 50's) I dont react like I used to, the volcano is now dormant!

ickky · 09/02/2024 17:39

YANBU OP. This exact situation happened to my bil and nephew. He was getting him out of his car seat and another car started reversing in (over the dividing line) and hit the open door pinning them both, but still kept reversing. Me and my sister were screaming at the driver to stop and go forward.

She then realised what she had done and tore out of the carpark going very fast.

Thankfully nephew had no injuries but bil had bad bruising all down his side. He also needed a new car door as it was bent.

The woman was lucky she left so quickly, I was white hot with rage.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:39

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:36

You don't think all those angry men out there grew up with parents who had anger issues? Bit naive are we?

Your posts are ridiculous, dramatic and ott. OPs child is not going to grow up to batter everyone in his path because he witnessed his mother standing up for herself a few times.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:39

That old man had been waiting ALL DAY to have a tussle in a drs waiting room no doubt because MEN GRRRR 🙄

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:38

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:34

It's not an everyday occurrence! Perhaps I should have said a typical example. I don't think I generally have anger management issues. The person describing theirs ex's behaviour was describing road rage I think...

That's quite the backpedal from your OP.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:38

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:25

So anyway OP, how are you going to deal with this? You've recognised your own weakness which is admirable, what will be the thing that makes you change?

I need to find a way to stop and think first. Someone said count to 10 so i guess practice mindfulness?! Also to remind myself I cannot control other people's behaviour, only my own. Also to deal with adrenaline, not so clear on that, maybe Beta blockers?! Aside from that learn some de-escalation techniques in case..? Change car to a mini and give way to reversing cars as a pedestrian. Ok I'm joking on the last one.

OP posts:
Cerealkiller4U · 09/02/2024 17:38

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:34

It's not an everyday occurrence! Perhaps I should have said a typical example. I don't think I generally have anger management issues. The person describing theirs ex's behaviour was describing road rage I think...

i don’t know many people who would have a go at someone 5 mins after the fact. Now he should NEVER of put his hands on you….never ever. That was 100000% wrong

However do you think if you hadn’t of started trying to get him to apologise do you think he would have still pushed you? Honestly?

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:37

So OP, you came here for advice about to help yourself, do you feel you've got some? I think there were one or two constructive and unbiased posts that could be helpful ☺️

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:37

He absolutely should not have pushed anyone but...

Another one...

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 17:36

@Namechangey23 the people who are questioning your parenting are trying to wind you up and make you feel shit about yourself. Ignore it- you weren't the one shoving people around in a waiting room. Those trolling someone on an online forum are hardly setting an example to their children either.

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:36

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:32

Christ almighty. That is quite the reach 😆

You don't think all those angry men out there grew up with parents who had anger issues? Bit naive are we?

momonpurpose · 09/02/2024 17:36

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:31

I don't have another word to articulate this- other than stuff or people who put my son's safety in jeopardy is really very triggering.

You are one of the people putting you child's safety in jeopardy too. I hope you get the help you need so this does not escalate.

Rainallnight · 09/02/2024 17:36

I am similar OP. I had a blazing row with a motorist this morning because he came around the corner too fast and I was afraid he was going to hit the DC.

DD told me that she’d felt embarrassed in case one of her friends saw and I’ve felt dreadful all day

TheFairyCaravan · 09/02/2024 17:35

You sound awful.

The man realised he’d made a mistake and parked elsewhere so that should have been the end of it. No one knows why he was going into the doctors, he might have had an ingrown toenail or r he might have been getting biopsy results so I would cut him some slack.

Why you felt you had to confront him is beyond me. This wouldn’t have been a conversation in a usual volume if the receptionist had to intervene either. He absolutely should not have pushed anyone but you need to check your behaviour too.

At no point did you have any consideration for the other people in the waiting room, who are there because they’re unwell.

PictureALadybird · 09/02/2024 17:34

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Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:34

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:30

Read the post. She calls it a typical situation.

It's not an everyday occurrence! Perhaps I should have said a typical example. I don't think I generally have anger management issues. The person describing theirs ex's behaviour was describing road rage I think...

OP posts:
LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 09/02/2024 17:33

BuddhaAtSea · 09/02/2024 12:28

I would have done the same, but rather than confronting him in reception, I would have said to the receptionist ( so he can hear): the gentleman seems to have no awareness and repeatedly tried to reverse into me and my child. I’m going to report his driving, but I’m letting you know he is not safe, in case there is a medical underlying reason. And then tilt my head at him.

I live in God’s waiting room it seems, got practice with this kind of shit.

This is a great response that would satisfy my annoyance and shock and also be constructive (when I actually did flipping report his driving!)

jhy · 09/02/2024 17:33

Just like how you say things, people bite back too.
I cannot bear people who confront in public, it never resolves the problem, only escalates leaving both people wound up and the situation worse.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:32

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:11

Your son will grow up to copy your behaviours, and being a man, full of testosterone, will most likely end up hitting people where you mostly just shout. Think about the kind of future you are setting up for him. You don't right wrongs by verbally attacking people.

Christ almighty. That is quite the reach 😆