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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 12:20

I think you did pretty well op I would have headbutted him after he pushed me, well hopefully not but I would have struggled to keep control of myself.
Probably the best thing is if you train yourself to not react at all, I think this is what some men do because they know things will go very badly for them if they let themselves get angry.

Babyroobs · 09/02/2024 12:20

I understand , as I am the same, can't keep my mouth shut and then when people bite back it upsets me all day and I honestly wish I had never said anything. I then vow to myself I will let things go next time but don't and it happens again. I think you just have to accept that there are a lot of people around who are absolute knobs and don't care about others and they are just not worth wasting energy on.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/02/2024 12:15

It sounds a little like you let the red mist descend and get all bolshy, but when others react poorly you don't know when to let it go but feel hard done by...a rational person treated poorly. However, perhaps reacting in the way you do isn't as rational as you think it is, and you are coming across as more aggressive than you intended. That's not to say either of the people you approached should have reacted the way they did, but perhaps you need to consider your approach and whether it is as calm and non-aggressive as you think it is?

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 12:09

You need to think about the aim of your communication. Pretend it is a workplace.

ToRecordOnlyWater · 09/02/2024 12:09

You were angry because of risk to your son, and even though escalating to shouting maybe wasn’t the best I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same! I’ve had similar (for me it was shouting after a car who came steaming across a zebra crossing I was already halfway across with my son in a baby carrier on me so could have been nasty if I’d not jumped back in time!)

People suck, try not to worry about it.

ilovesooty · 09/02/2024 12:08

A repeat incident might result in your being removed from the doctor's list. At least you realise that you have a problem you need to address.

NotQuiteNorma · 09/02/2024 12:08

There's a saying about choosing your battles. The secret is in understanding that some people just can't be reasoned with. People reversing when they can see there's an obstacle and people who don't pick up after their dogs probably fall into that category.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 12:07

HelenDamnation1 · 09/02/2024 11:52

Oh you poor thing. Don't beat yourself up. Car man and dog-poo person were cunts and you did the right thing. I would have behaved the same if not worse, but probably not given a shit afterwards.

Aww thanks @HelenDamnation1 yes he was a complete tosser and only demonstrated it further by pushing us, I suppose he could have had Alzheimer's or something you just never know, I don't think trying to drive through a pedestrian is normal either! Perhaps I should concentrate on not getting upset about it after! What really scares me though is that I wasn't thinking at all about my or my son's safety or anyone else's in the moment whilst I was letting my mouth run away. I had no clue this would escalate to the point where someone else could potentially be hurt (although as he was quite old, fortunately the push was fairly harmless so I appreciate assaulted may sound a bit strong!).

OP posts:
MarnieMarnie · 09/02/2024 12:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

44PumpLane · 09/02/2024 12:01

I agree with poster above!

DelilahsHaven · 09/02/2024 12:01

It sounds like you stand up for yourself in situations where it would be appropriate to do so, but that you do it in a manner that escalates (screaming and shouting), rather than in a way that will lead to resolution. It's easily done in a high pressure moment, like a car coming towards you and your baby, but more easily avoided in the dog poo situation.

It is good that you can reflect and have insight into how your behaviour has affected these situations.

Try to think of ways that you could have handled this differently and practice for future incidents.

The ability to behave assertively rather than aggressively, and to strive towards resolution for both parties where you can, will pay dividends in your parenting.

HelenDamnation1 · 09/02/2024 11:52

Oh you poor thing. Don't beat yourself up. Car man and dog-poo person were cunts and you did the right thing. I would have behaved the same if not worse, but probably not given a shit afterwards.